Will I ever find love? How to find true love

Will I ever find love?

Will I ever find love?

This is a question a lot of you ask me.

You will and I’ll tell you how by the end of this post I promise.

But I want to tell you a story first.

TRIGGER WARNING

It was the early 80s.

I was 19 and I’d been in a relationship that was abusive.

He was emotionally abusive and had started to get physically violent.

I was so co-dependent in that relationship that I couldn’t find the strength to free myself.

Co-dependency and the cycle of abuse are hard to break and I was young and insecure.

I didn’t know at the time I was insecure.

But I was vulnerable.

I didn’t know how to say no.

So, the way that I tried to escape this relationship was to do what I call a ‘geographical’ and flee overseas.

I booked a ticket to London where my sister lived.

I felt free.

I remember going into Topshop, which is heaven for a teenage girl.

And I bought these baby blue corduroy jeans and felt fantastic.

I’d gone so far from who I was and I was starting to feel like Me again.

I booked myself on one of those European bus tours where it’s full of under-30-year-olds and you go to a different city every couple of days.

It’s a bit like:

What day is it today?

Tuesday?

Ah, it must be Brussels!

It was so much fun.

I had my freedom for the first time in a long time.

Then, we were in Florence and my tour group was in a night club.

We were sitting on a terrace overlooking the whole place.

There were other tour groups there and there was this guy who suddenly looked up and his eyes clocked mine.

I felt like I was the only person in the room.

I thought:

Wow!

This guy’s looking at me!

He came upstairs and told me how beautiful I was and how I was the only person in the room.

He couldn’t see anybody else.

This was clearly what I needed to hear.

I needed to feel that I was attractive, lovable, valuable after all the abuse I’d been through.

After not very long he started coming onto me a little bit too strong too fast.

He was kissing me and kissing me.

I can’t believe I’m telling this story.

I’ve not told anyone about this before.

But I’ll go on.

At first, I was flattered by his attention.

But then it was like he was suffocating me.

And, this is the worst bit: I didn’t know how to say no.

It gets worse.

I was relieved when the bus came to pick us up.

It was all a bit too full on and I thought I’d never see him again.

Sometime later we were at another campsite and we were to do this talent night.

All the various bus tour groups would compete against each other to win the prize.

I was in my element.

I had started to have a bit of success in my acting career by then.

So, I ended up writing the skit that my group was going to put on.

I felt important and everyone thought what I’d written was hilarious.

I rewrote some lyrics to go along with The Muppet Show theme tune and when we performed it everyone laughed.

We won.

At the end of the show, the guy from Florence suddenly appeared.

I hadn’t even known he was there.

I was torn because we won and everyone was celebrating.

My new friends in my tour group were saying:

Come with us, let’s all go and have a drink?

But he was urging me to go back to his tent with him.

I didn’t want to go back to his tent.

But I went.

I know that many will victim-blame and say what happens next is my own fault.

I’ll continue anyway.

I’d never had a one-night stand in my life.

And please remember, I had just come from an abusive relationship.

It started off consensually.

I felt validated by him after all this abuse.

He made me feel I was attractive and lovable.

He did make me feel good at first.

But then it descended into a #metoo moment.

He became forceful, demanding me to do things to him.

I started to feel uncomfortable about his tone.

I said:

No, no, no, no!

You know what happens next, I know.

I don’t need to spell it out.

Once he was done he rolled off me and fell asleep.

I crawled out of that tent feeling so much self-loathing, so much disgust, self-blame, and shame.

I had said:

Yes, I’ll come back to your tent

I ran sobbing to the camp toilet block.

I saw this girl from our group and she asked:

Are you okay?

What’s wrong?

I felt so ashamed I lied to her.

I said I was missing my mom or something like that.

How could I admit how stupid I had been?

The next day, I saw him again.

He was flirting with another, really beautiful girl.

He saw straight through me.

I was trash.

And that was one of my rock-bottom moments.

I couldn’t get any lower than that.

And I remember so vividly saying to myself:

Why, why, why do I always attract jerks who hurt me?

What is it about me that I always attract these type of guys?!

That was one of my massive turning points in my life.

Because I saw that there was a pattern.

Please don’t get the wrong idea.

I’m not victim blaming here either.

But when I saw there was a pattern, I felt liberated.

I thought:

There’s something about me I need to change.

I get e-mails from across the globe every day and messages on this Blog, my FB Page, and YouTube channel.

They all say this:

Will I find love?

Will I ever find love again?

Usually, it’s after leaving a relationship that was no good for them.

They have that same fear they’re unlovable, that they’re never going to find love again.

Or they say the same as I did:

Why do I keep doing this?

Repeating the same pattern in relationship, attracting the wrong type?

I’ll tell you why we repeat the same pattern over again.

We go to what’s familiar to us.

We don’t know why but it just feels right.

You might have been in a relationship that was abusive and go for somebody else you think is completely different.

But they turn out to be the same.

They’re just packaged differently.

That’s because narcissists and abusive types wear different masks.

But they’re the same person underneath.

You will keep attracting the wrong type of relationship until you change You.

Trying to change things outside of you is a waste of time and energy.

You may think:

I’ll try dating a different type.

He/she was like this.

Next time I’ll try that.

What you’re really saying is you need somebody else to validate you and make you happy.

But you’ll keep repeating the stay the same mistake over and over again.

Will I ever find love again?

Will I ever find love again?

Yes, you will.

Will I ever find healthy love with someone who treats me with respect, is kind to me and makes me laugh?

Yes, you will.

Can you stop going for the wrong type over and over again?

Yes.

How to find true love

All you need to do is fall in love with yourself first.

You’ve got to fall in love with yourself because when you’re looking for love your level of self-worth determines the type of person you will attract.

You may not even be aware that deep inside you have a low sense of self-worth or don’t feel lovable.

But, if so, you’re going to attract people who are the mirror of you and don’t think you’re lovable or worthy either.

Like attracts like.

Self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem

You will only attract to you who you are manifesting within yourself.

Fall in love with yourself first because if you fall in love with yourself you will only attract people who also think you’re worthy of being loved and treated with respect.

Secondly, you’ll be so full of self-worth you’ll not only be unafraid to say no, but your happiness won’t depend on anyone else.

If that guy in Florence came up to me now and said:

Come back to my tent

I’d respond:

No!

I don’t want to go back to your tent.

I don’t even know you.

I want to go and celebrate with my friends.

I wish I knew what I know now.

And what I didn’t know when I was that vulnerable young girl who was so frightened of saying no.

Love yourself first.

Then you can set better boundaries. 

You won’t fear confrontation or saying no, this is not good enough for me, I deserve better.

Until you learn to love yourself first, to fall in love with You then you will keep going for that same type over again.

That is why I kept attracting jerks who hurt me.

I didn’t love myself enough.

When you ask the question with fear behind it:

Will I ever find love again?

This is code for saying.

I’m unworthy I’m unlovable.

Unless some knight in shining armor comes to validate you.

Once you love yourself, you won’t care so much because you’ll be so happy within yourself you’ll be okay with or without them.

You’ll be okay.

You’ll know you’re enough.

That was one of the most liberating moments in my life.

And you know what often happens when you’re happiness comes from within first and you a partner is not what your self-worth depends on?

That’s when love finds you.

That’s when love found me.

I first met my husband at a dinner party and we got on straight away.

I thought:

He’s really nice.

I had a fantastic time in his company.

But, if I never see him again that’s okay.

If it’s meant to be it will be. If not, so be it.

It did work out.

We’re still together after more than 30 years.

The difference was, I wasn’t in a desperate, lonely place.

Fall in love with yourself first.

Then you will find love again.

Or you’ll be so happy within yourself, it won’t matter if you don’t.

You’ll be surrounded by love anyway with friends who love you.

You won’t attract those hurt you or those who at first look different because they’re packaged in different wrapping.

You won’t go into an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship because you’re afraid to say no.

I hope my story hasn’t triggered you.

If you have had an experience like mine and need help and support I have a list of resources here.