What happens when you leave an abusive relationship?
For so long we’ve wanted the emotional rollercoaster of an abusive relationship to end. When it does we’re euphoric at first. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. I could do what made me feel happy without fearing it being sabotaged. It felt incredibly liberating. For the first few days, when I was strong in my decision to leave I felt freedom like I hadn’t felt in years. I was on a high.
But then I crashed hard. I wasn’t expecting so much pain to follow. Because after the phase of euphoria, emotions rush out.
The thawing out period after you leave an abusive relationship can be excruciating. Those weeks and months where we are withdrawing and feeling the effects of going cold turkey, like an addict does when kicking a drug.
This is when emotions, we haven’t felt before, erupt like a volcano out of us and overwhelm us. The reason this happens is because once we are away from them we are safer to feel them. Before, if we admitted to any feelings they were used against us to hurt us. It’s also because when we are no longer immersed in chaos and drama we’re still for the first time. Being still hurts so badly as we are withdrawing from our addiction to them.
My loving him had become an unhealthy obsession. An addiction for me. I was in a futile search for that first high I’d felt and he’d reward me with, between the bad times.
I also thought I could control the chaos. If only I do X, then he’ll be change. If I do Y, then he’ll be happy, I thought. I could make the bad go away and we’d live that dream life I envisioned. It was an addiction that could have killed me.
I didn’t know then how much I needed that chaos and drama. When I found the courage to leave it was the opposite. I was still for the first time in years.
Being still also meant I had to face myself. For the first time. I’d spent years going from one boyfriend to the other. By the time one dumped me I’d already lined up his replacement. I was never alone. The new boyfriend therapy was the best antidote to a broken heart. It was great for my self-esteem too, always having a gorgeous man on my arm and immersed in a relationship.
But this ‘never being alone’ and ‘never being still’ was also an anaesthetic. Masking my own deep-seated issues. Once I was away from the chaos and drama, I had nowhere to hide. I had to face me.
I had to ask myself the painful question: why had I stayed after violence, when others wouldn’t have? That opened up a Pandora’s box of pain.
I didn’t like the person I saw. I always thought I was the confident one. Ask any of my school friends, they’d say the same. ‘Outgoing, confident’ is how I am sure they’d describe me.
Instead, I found this frightened little insecure girl. One who was terrified of being abandoned. No wonder when I first met my ex it had felt so right. Why I thought he was The One. Our baggage matched in a weird way. The dysfunction felt familiar to me.
Whilst he was the ‘damaged’ one. Whilst my focus was on fixing him, I could deny I needed fixing myself. My need to be needed was a great way to numb my insecurities. He ‘needed me’ to save him, nothing wrong with me! It made me feel good. It filled the void inside.
If I was in a relationship with a man who needed me, was more damaged than me, he’d never leave me or so I thought! My fear of abandonment was alleviated.
But this is not the basis for a long-term healthy relationship. Bandaids (or Plasters for those in the UK!) never last. They fall off after a while. When mine did I saw the rot inside. But, as painful as it was, it was also liberating. I realised:
I couldn’t control the uncontrollable, I couldn’t fix him. But I could change me. I now knew where to start. I had to be still, feel and process the pain. To start to nurture that frightened little girl.
Take time now to think about your own relationship and perhaps ones in the past too. Have you used them as an anaesthetic to numb yourself? Have you needed chaos and drama to prevent yourself from being still and facing your inner demons? Let me know in the comments below.
V –
I appreciate this blog. I just came upon it because I have recently removed myself from a domestic violence situation. My husband is a classic case narcissist and upon realizing this, he no longer looks human to me. I feel that I have been married to an alien, a non human. I confronted him about all the horrible things he has done and said to me through the years we have been together, and he did not validate or acknowledge the pain I was in. After I left he has sought “counseling” and “therapy” but I do not trust this will change him, and if it does, it will take a very long time. He is abusive, he gaslights me, he threatens and intimidates me, and makes me responsible for his feelings and actions. I am also pregnant. He has no capability to feel empathy or care or concern for anyone other than himself. I believe that he does not feel “empathy or care” even to himself, but it is just a bloated self-destructive ego that he worships and upholds like a golden idol. I have believed him when he blamed me for his behavior, when he said that I was the reason why he yelled and raged at me. He told me to get counseling and I like a fool went to therapy for the past year, though I must say it has helped me to identify the problem at home and to build my self esteem. I was going to therapy to fix our relationship. i was carrying the torch by myself. All the while, giving him full permission to continue his behavior towards me and undermine my trust on a regular daily basis. I believe , though I have no concrete evidence, only from little bits and pieces I have observed here and there, that he has been unfaithful to me as well in our relationship. At home he is an absolute terror, unpredictable, impulsive, angry at every slight, raging at every mistake I make, cursing and “punishing” me every time I disagree with him or call him out on something corrupted that he does/says. It pains me to admit, but I have stayed with him because I loved him. And he knows I love him, and he took full advantage of this through the course of our relationship. I am now seeing the truth of this damaged person, and I am no longer putting faith or hope in him. I am putting myself and my baby first.
I am presently sitting in hospital waiting to go in for an operation and this has made my day. I am so happy to read this. What an empowered message this is; I can hear the strength you have found in every word here. It takes a lot of courage to find such strength, I know. I remember this turning point so well, when finally the blinkers fell from my eyes and I saw him for who he really was. I talked about this here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
Our only mistake is to love them. We love them too much in fact. They take and take and take and take and put up with it all, even accepted the blame for it, because of that love. But now you know, it’s not a healthy form of love or relationship.
I am so sorry you have been through all this, but am so glad you have found your way to the answer, just as I did. A bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz – it is there inside us all along. You will never look back now.
We are powerless to change them. Only they can do that, but they must accept responsibility first and even if they do go to therapy, it may just be another tactic to get us back. After all, they have no empathy, so chances of them accepting responsibility are slim. Going to therapy ourselves to fix the relationship is not the way to go either. The only person we can change is us. We need to stop rescuing them and save ourselves instead.
Once we start with ME. Take our focus away from them and the toxic relationship and start to nurture our self-esteem and find our self-worth, everything changes. This is what I did. Like you, it was my baby I was going to put first and live for now.
Do remember the Whitney Houston song: ‘The Greatest Love of All’? – listen to it again, for me. It’s all about showing children the beauty they have inside. It’s about self-love, never living in anyone’s shadow again. That was my anthem that gave me strength at the time. Teach your child by your example – that loving yourself first is the greatest gift you can give yourself. It will show him or her how to set strong boundaries and never let anyone abuse them. You will break the cycle and not let it pass down another generation.
Keep strong, put one foot in front of the other when you have bad days (which you may do – recovery is slow and painful). Walk towards the light and away from that darkness. You deserve better. Your baby deserves better. I am so proud of you. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Stay strong xx
Omg this is also my husband! And when you get back together, the cycle goes back shortly and promptly. Yes to all the angry at every slight, everything you do is wrong. He just mirrors your words to gaslight you. When i opened up on Facebook, people who knew me like what V wrote, im confident, independent, strong, talented and smart lady, beautiful too. And for once after all the years of being rejected and being belittled, overloaded and overworked, i felt the love from other people. Im also surprised, alot of friends, acquaintance and relatives said they went thru the same thing! I love these blogs and comments, it shows us that we are not alone in this! We are victims, we justbwanted to be loved and build a family. We keep giving to these “aliens” in a human suit.
You are definitely not alone!
Vivian, thank you so much for writing this post. I have been married for 3 years and with my husband for 6 years. I have just realized I am in an abusive marriage and I am in the process of getting out. My husband experienced abuse as a child which was a red flag I should have identified when he shared childhood abuse stories during our first couple of dates. Instead I viewed it as him sharing his past with me and felt somewhat honored. Honestly, I was too distracted by the trips and wining and dining and ignored all the warning signs. After a few months of dating, the ultimatums began. He told me that if I didn’t move in with him and combine funds, he wouldn’t be with me so as a result, I ended up moving in with him and this was when the abuse started. He asked me to give him the authority to parent my son . He would force me to discipline brim for things that he wouldn’t discipline his own children for. I quickly put an end to that as I noticed he was being more of a manager then a parental figure. He would react jealously over the relationship my son and would intervene when my son and I would do things together. He had to be involved in every conversation and every text message. He convinced me to add my phone to his account and refused to give me access to the passwords. I get so angry because I now realize he took my trust for granted and totally manipulated me. One day we had a huge fight and I called the police, he promised he would change and go to counseling and then a few weeks later he proposed. Everything regarding our wedding was what he wanted. I was not happy on my wedding day. He told me when to smile and how to dance . It was so stressful. Two days before he shoved me for being “sassy” . I knew I shouldn’t have married him but I went through with it anyway because I was embarrassed of failure. He tracks my phone calls and text and insists on paying all the bills, buying all the groceries and criticizes how I clean and parent and belittles my career and salary. He would put his daughters in a pedestal and treat me horribly and when I said something he would make me feel like I was the jealous. Over the years he has choked me, repeatedly shoved me, kicked me, slapped me and has been emotionally and verbally abusive during arguments. I went from fighting back , to taking the abuse for years and being a doormat to recently attempting to take my life back. Since we have been together, he has had serval jobs. He would tell me that people “were out to get him” but I started noticing the manipulation and lies. He would shout and curse at me and immediately say he didn’t say it. He would hit me and say he didn’t do it or he didn’t mean to do it and I should know that about him. He would force me to have sex and even if I said I was sick, he would silk and kick me by “accident” throughout the night. He is very skilled at how he abuses me and makes sure the kids nor anyone else sees it taking place but recently the verbal abuse has happened around others. He will pick fights so he can disappear and block me . Things have recently gotten worse because I have been fighting back. I have been slowly taking my life back. I have separated my bank account and because of that he has blocked me, taken my car and has been entertaining other women. It wasn’t until lately that friends and family have said they noticed his controlling and abusive ways. We have lost many friends who have recently said they don’t come around because of his behavior. He has told me if I don’t “fix” the way my family and friends feels about him, he wants a divorce. His countless ultimatum are ways to maintain control because he feels like he’s lost all control over me. He refuses to go to therapy but I have made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in domestic violence to help me heal from the years of abuse. I just keep asking myself, what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? And where do I go from here? I have read about narcissistic personality disorders and I definitely think he has major characteristics. I realize now he never loved me , he treated me like his trophy, he has to be the center of attention and command all the attention at all times even from our children. Last, he has no empathy. He refuses to apologize and if he does, I can never ever bring it up again or the emotional abuse will begin. I can never disagree with him and if I do, he will stonewall me. Essentially I am fed up with being treated like a doormat and I’m beginning to feel defeated.
Your story hits home for me. So many of the tactics your husband uses my fiance used on me. It is mindblowing how crafty these people are and sadly they have a disregard for any kind of equality in a relationship. There way or the highway. Recently, my ex did say he does not love me and that he only said I love you because I made him say it. In addition, he is unforgiving of my 12 year old son and gave me an ultimatum, either my son moves in with his father or we put up the house for sale. During that last fight he said if I did not give him my engagement ring back in that moment he would throw my purse out of the car, all while starting to open the car door on the highway. I gave him a few choice words because usually I never stand my ground but in this case I know it is over for good and I want it that way now. I pray your process of divorce goes as good as it can go, it sounds like you are choosing your children over him and if commend you for that choice. I hurt thinking that it took this long to end the relationship because my children have witnessed too much in their short lives but I remind my oldest son that he is the best role model my youngest can have and now that we are on our own cherish that big/little brother relationship and we will carry on. Life is too short to give anyone who does not value us our most precious commodity : time and I refuse to let this man-child have more influence than necessary on my children. We all are worthy. The father is worthy too but he does not get to self gratify at the expense of me any longer. 🙂
I am so glad you are out of this relationship as behavior like opening doors on highways put you at serious risk of harm. You should be proud of protecting your son from this too.
Admv, this sounds like how I met and been with my husband. It’s exactly like this. Everything you do, no matter what, is nothing to them. They just want to take and take and does not care at all! Im trying to get out for the nth time now and I feel sad even if I know its the best. My son is 5 and does not want to leave him but I gotta stand strong and we deserve not to be emotionally and psychologically, physically abused anymore.
I just got out of an extremely abusive relationship. It nearly killed me. I spent 10 days in the hospital and have been out for 8 days. I feel extremely overwhelmed and alone and I need help but I don’t know what kind. I cry a lot. It feels like I’m grieving a horrible death. I don’t have a network of friends and family. I’ve been isolated for a few years. I am really scared of my future. I can’t see one and that’s the scariest part. But I’m overwhelmed by what I went through and how could I keep letting it happen and he said he loved me and I was his soulmate. how can you do that to anyone?? and love and lie all the time ??? Do I need a group? Do I need individual counseling? I need something intensive more than once a week. I live alone in silence and I can’t do this alone.
I am so sorry to hear what you have been through Katheryn. This is very hard to do alone and I would urge you to get help and support. I’ve listed free and anonymous domestic abuse resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Take one day at a time, one hour if you need to. Don’t think about the future and all its overwhelming fears. Just take one step at a time. I’ve written about this here: Emotionally overwhelmed. Feeling trapped: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotionally-overwhelmed/
The first is to get support to get through this tough time. It is hard to break this cycle and the risk is you go back to him and into danger. I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency.
Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have 2 online courses that may help you to understand what you went through and how to start working towards breaking this cycle.
– Start with Me: Victim to Survivor
– Start with Me: Survivor to Staying Strong
You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/
Stay strong and know that a better life awaits you. Keep moving forward and don’t look back.
As a victim of psychological and emotional abuse, I try to surround myself with people who love me and lift me up . One of my friends told me lately to “be still” and I reflected for a while on the meaning. Then I attempted to be still, and so many thoughts consumed me that after all the self talk notes I have on hand for such occasions failed me, I turned to alcohol or to-do list, or numerous other things instead. When I attempt to face my emotions, they’re too overwhelming to face alone so I return to the abuser. Am I addicted to abuse?
That is too deep a question to answer here as a comment MA. It’s running from the pain that goes way deeper than the abusive relationship. Whilst you can focus on saving and fixing them, you don’t have to face what you fear and the pain of facing your own demons. I’d suggest you watch my free Masterclass: How to recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with yourself and never settle for less than you deserve again https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN