I remember one moment in my life vividly.
It was one of the times I knew I had hit rock bottom.
I was 22-years-old, in an abusive relationship and the violence was getting worse and worse.
I had a small baby and I knew I had to get out and change my life.
I had to find a better life for me and my son.
I lay fetal, curled up in a ball, crying.
I remember thinking:
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I’ve lost Me.
How did I get here?
It was one of the most helpless moments I’ve ever felt in my life and I thought:
I’ve got to change this.
I have to find me again.
Self-awareness
I realized that my entire sense of self-worth depended on everything else around me.
Whilst it did, I was powerless.
My sense of self-worth was so tied up in that relationship and that man who abused me.
I was trying external things to fix the relationship because if I couldn’t then in my mind it meant I was worthless.
I changed what I wore if he didn’t like the way I dressed.
I changed the way I talked if he didn’t like what I said.
I was a people-pleaser.
In fact, I’d been people-pleasing all my life so I was primed for this role.
I remember at school being a master of people-pleasing; a chameleon who could fit in with anybody.
But, I was just so tired of it. I was tired.
I thought:
I can’t keep this up.
I tried everything to make myself feel better but nothing was working.
I was trying to fix the world around me when I should have been looking within.
I needed to assess my own self-worth.
Self-worth
Self-worth is how you value yourself.
If you don’t value yourself as a good person who deserves to be treated with respect then you look to outside sources to give you that sense of self-worth you lack.
Some of those yardsticks are:
- How we look.
- How much we earn.
- How we compare to others – Do they earn more? Are they more attractive than us?
Your job does not define you.
The person you love doesn’t determine how lovable you are.
Imagine for a minute if you lost everything.
You lost your job, your relationship, your family support network and you lost all your money.
What would be left?
How would you feel if you were there on your own and you had nothing left?
That’s how I felt at that moment on the floor. I felt that I was worthless.
I was tired of trying to keep everybody happy.
Tired of trying to remember the stories I told when people-pleasing.
The opinions I made up because I thought I’d be accepted.
I was tired of changing external things to search for happiness within.
It was a bit like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. Absolutely no use.
That was when the light bulb went off.
I was lying on the floor and then I thought.
I can’t change those external things.
The more I was trying to change all those things outside of me the less worth I had.
The less I felt about myself because I kept failing.
How to find yourself again
I realized it had to come from within.
And that was quite liberating.
If I could find that self-worth within, then I could change my life.
And that is what happened.
I started to think of the opposite, change my mindset.
Instead of:
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I asked myself:
Who am I?
I had veered so far away from the person I really was, I felt lost.
I felt trapped.
Do you know how that feels?
Self-value
When you feel so far away from the real you, start by finding your self-worth.
Who are you deep inside?
Self-awareness and self-value is the first step to getting You back.
I asked myself:
What’s been the key moments in my life that have mattered?
One was having my baby boy.
I was worth something.
I was a mother. I had this beautiful child.
I was a good friend. I was a kind person.
Look at the good things in you, your strengths and achievements.
Don’t measure your self-worth against other yardsticks such as your job.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a janitor or a banker as long as you’re good at what you do and you love your job.
That you have a great work ethic.
Self-appreciation
When it comes to money – I didn’t have any money.
I ended up leaving subsisted on single parent government benefits.
But what is a rich life for you?
People with millions aren’t necessarily happy.
I had nothing. But, I had a beautiful baby.
And I was about to start a whole new life.
That was rich to me.
I found my freedom.
Self-image
Look at all the strengths you have.
Then look at your weaknesses, the mistakes that you’ve made.
Don’t crucify yourself over them.
Ask yourself instead:
What can I learn from them?
How can I become a better person by accepting and learning from those mistakes?
Then try to forgive yourself.
Self-compassion
Compassion, in particular, self-compassion is really important.
Look at who you are warts and all, but try to accept who you are and how you can improve yourself.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
Self-worth should not be based on a comparison.
Are you less attractive or more attractive?
Are you achieving more?
Are you earning more?
Do you have more followers on social media?
That is not self-worth.
Self-worth is forgiving yourself, improving upon yourself.
And looking at what your absolute true values are.
If you were stripped of everything external, what true values would you be left with, that make you who you are?
You are unique.
There’s nobody else like you.
Celebrate that about yourself.
Don’t compare yourself against others.
Look at who are you inside, your absolute stripped bare true self.
What are your core values, beliefs and goals?
Find forgiveness, compassion for yourself and unconditional love for the unique person you really are.
Then you can choose to see that all of those reasons you were trying to look externally for value and love are not what your self-worth should be based upon.
They were instead based on a negative script inside your head that was saying:
I’m not good enough.
I’m not worthy enough.
I’m not lovable enough.
You can choose to challenge that and say to yourself:
This is not true.
I am not basing whether I feel worthy or lovable enough on what other people think or say.
Nor how others treat me.
I am going to find that self worth within.
Challenge that inner voice, don’t let that negative script determine who you are and the life you’re going to have.
You don’t have to people-please or change your behavior to get approval from others.
You don’t have to seek validation from others to feel worthy and good about yourself.
Self-love
Know and believe:
I am worthy.
I am enough.
Then you can choose how you feel.
You can have the power to respond to others based on your internal values, not external factors.
If I know I’m worthy and lovable I can decide whether another person’s behavior towards me is acceptable to me or not.
If so, then I can accept that person into my life.
If not, then I can set a clear boundary or walk away.
You can choose how you respond to the world and other people within it.
You have the power to choose your life, not be hostage to what happens outside of you.
So, self-worth really does matter.
Love yourself first
When it comes to relationships, the love of somebody else towards you does not mean you’re lovable or not.
In fact, self-love should come first.
One you find self-love, you will be better at loving another person and you will choose a better relationship.
In a way, self-worth comes even before self-love.
Self-worth is your intrinsic belief that you are worthy and you are lovable.
Once you have that then you can compile self-compassion, self-love on top of that.
Then you will empower yourself to choose the life that you want to live and the person you want to be.
You don’t have to be that people-pleaser anymore.
That person who’s exhausted.
That person who has gone so far away from who you really are because you’re basing your self-worth on external things.
None of that matters because you could lose all that tomorrow.
And by the way, age doesn’t matter either.
It’s just a number.
If you really have a true sense of self-worth.
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