Recovery from an abusive relationship.
How long does it take? When will this pain end?
I get asked this a lot by followers of my Blog.
One woman wrote this recently – about recovering from her abusive ex:
I need some words / advice / links. I am one year with no contact, after 20 years of severe covert abuse. I don’t miss him . However, I still feel lost or unsure of where I am going or what I want for my future.
I had a ‘fake future’ promise. Of course this is gone. But, I’m wondering when did you start to feel really good about your life again? Happy and Carefree? Or, maybe even, when did you feel ready to date again?
I love so much that you all engage with me and ask for my advice. I love it even more that Unbeatable has grown into a community, in which you all help each other.
Another one of my followers responded to her in this way:
Good for you … getting through that first year! 💜 It’s the toughest. Give yourself lots of credit and love. Twenty years of abuse takes some time for healing.
I now have 20+ years of working on my stuff … but only in the past 8 years have I genuinely accepted that many of the problems were not ‘them’ but rather me! Once I got that straight, I was able to focus on my own contributions to all of my relationships’ dysfunctions. That’s when my growth was exponential. I stopped looking at their stuff, and only worked on mine. I am feeling that I have finally conquered things that were holding me back from living the life I desired. I live in gratitude 💜
My greatest time of healing/growth was when I spent 3 years completely alone … dealing with a broken heart, cancer and financial collapse. I had to finally sit still and face myself. The loneliest, most sad time of my life, and yet that’s where I was able to grow and heal. I cried and angered out years and years of abuse and hurts. The wounds were finally able to heal 💜. And yes it took those awful lonely years to do so.
Therapy is also a MUST! It is the single most important contributor to getting me where I am today. I tried therapists, stopped and started until I finally found gold. My therapist has amazingly walked me through some dark valleys in “weekly” sessions for the past “10 years” … Yes that’s a lot of therapy!
I am now happily single (but hoping 😉), much healed and in love with my family and myself. (Bonus … when we heal, so do our family relationships). It took/takes a lot of work, resolve and discipline, yet the rewards are worth it all.
Grab for everything you can to get help and find wisdom on your journey. Books, blogs, support groups, spirituality, therapy, self care … everything helps. As you immerse yourself, you will look forward to each revelation as it appears. You will embrace the difficult stuff, knowing it brings release and freedom. I wish you the best. Your efforts will see their rewards. 🌻
I couldn’t have put this better myself. It is great advice. (Thank you both for allowing me to share this).
Recovery from abusive relationships
Recovery from abusive relationships takes time. Healing is a journey. Years of trauma are not something you get over overnight.
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the toughest things I’ve ever done.
Taking that first step out of denial was the hardest one to take.
When you’ve experienced manipulation like gaslighting. Subjected you to psychological abuse and coercive control.
When they’ve isolated you from family and friends. There is a lot to recover from.
Accepting you are even in an abusive relationship can be hard. Admitting to yourself you need help is harder.
So, if you have done this and taken those first steps try not to be too hard on yourself.
You should feel proud of the strength and courage you have found within you to leave.
Don’t underestimate the toll years and years of emotional and/or physical abuse takes. How much time and work you need to do to heal.
When you first leave, it’s as if a veil has come off. You now see the reality you have denied for so long.
This was the most painful time for me.
Fantasy future
I had to grieve the loss of that fantasy future I had. Accept who he was now, not cling onto the hope of that fantasy man I had in my head.
I, like the lady above, cried and cried.
I felt anger, loneliness, shame like she did.
Like her, I had to be still with myself to heal. I had to process the painful emotions I had numbed for so long.
It was like being in the darkest of tunnels for a long time.
What I didn’t realise was, by doing this, I was walking towards the light.
Facing yourself
[bctt tweet=”It is only when we are still and have the courage to face ourselves that we can heal. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
I agree you can’t do this alone. Therapy, a support group, self-help books, online video courses. Whatever works for you, lean on it for support.
Facing yourself will mean a tough journey ahead. But it will be worth it.
We need to understand the root cause of why we ended up in this abusive relationship. Why we may have even repeated this pattern in one relationship after the other.
When she refers to healing family relationships this is because it goes back to our childhood. Childhood insecurities can lead to adult trauma.
We need to understand what these are, where they come from and the impact it has on our lives.
To heal, you also need to learn to love yourself first. Repair those childhood wounds.
All this takes time.
Healing is a journey
Healing is a journey. It never stops.
I am still peeling onion layers off myself, after decades. I am learning new things about myself all the time.
When the student is ready, they teacher comes.
You will learn only as much as you are able to cope with at the time. Then the next time you’re ready, you’ll learn a little more.
Drip, drip, drip. A little over a long period of time. It may not feel like you’re making progress, but it ultimately adds up to so much.
One day you’ll look back and be amazed at how far you have come.
Try not to get overwhelmed by the future and how long this healing might take.
You can’t skip this step if you want to change your relationships and life.
[bctt tweet=”Healing is a journey. It never stops. When the student is ready, the teacher comes. You will learn only as much as you are able to cope with at the time. Then the next time you’re ready, you’ll learn a little more. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
Learning to love yourself
Take one day at a time and keep focusing on you and your recovery. You will get there, I promise.
As for finding love again. You will. When you are not looking for it.
Heal YOU first.
[bctt tweet=”Love yourself as much as you want others to love you. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
Then you’ll find happiness within. You’ll be able to be ‘happily single’ and not need a partner to feel whole or secure.
Then when you feel ready to start dating again, you’ll be dating from a position of strength.
You’ll have healthy boundaries. You’ll heed any warning bells.
Don’t be hard on yourself. Try not to blame yourself for any narcissistic abuse.
And keep reminding yourself:
When it comes to recovery from abusive relationships, time is your best friend.
Are you feeling like you’re still in a dark tunnel? Are you finding your first taste of freedom? Let me know in the comments below.
If you’ve left an abusive relationship but finding it hard to heal, then my online video course is for designed especially for you
Your words are so encouraging. I’m only a few months out from my abusive relationship And he continues to try to pull me in. I’m getting stronger each day. I am understanding More as the “veil”comes off. I’m in therapy and CR 12 step program. I’m already learned a great deal about myself And finding so many of my insecurities are from childhood. After 3 marriages ending in adultey I fell for someone who “ promised me the marriage I had dreamed of”. It’s been hard to understand this intense love I thought I had for this man was actually the love of the “dream”. I endured so much from him and lost everything , including my family. Your blog has been so helpful!!!!!! Thank you. Malinda
I am so happy to hear this on all levels. I’m glad it’s helpful, but more so that you are taking all the right steps towards recovery. Be proud of yourself for the steps you are taking as they are some of the toughest I ever took. Don’t look back, don’t blame yourself or feel any shame for the past. Life is a journey and you’ll come out better and stronger for it all in the end. Thanks for being here.
This has been so helpful. I have been separated and waiting for a divorce to go through for 5 months now. I spent 14 years on and off in a marriage that was so abusive, toxic and narcissistic, that I completely didn’t recognize who I was when it finally ended. I really couldn’t grasp that I had let myself even be in a relationship like that. There are moments that I just loose it and cry because I am consumed with memories and the false hopes I had, the dream of what I thought my marriage was suppose to be in some ways I felt stolen from me. They way I was discarded as if I was a piece of trash, after having been with someone who’s metal illness consumed my life. I am in a very dark place financially and feel stuck sometimes. I haven’t been able to go to a therapist because I am financially strapped, but have been trying to heal and working on myself through books, journaling, etc. It can be tough at moments, but I have to keep reminding myself that I am in a better place. That I deserve a better life, not necessarily with a partner, but just in general. I also have a 14 year old daughter who is a strong soul. What she had to witness between her father and myself for so long could have had a very negative impact and been much more damaging. She is able to put things in perspective by the way she sees him as a person, by how she understands what he never offered her in her life so far. I am lucky that she had positive male role models in her life outside of her father, so she missed something with him only in a small way. That elevates some of the guilt I have about taking him back when I should have stayed away the first time we separated years ago. But, we always have hope and misguided desires that a person can change. I am so happy I found this space because the video’ s help a lot. I just try and take each day as it comes, and look froward to the day when he truly is a distant memory in my life. The day when I have fixed me 100%. Yes, it is slow and long healing process, but I am confident that I will heal.
You are amazing and I am so glad you have found me. I had nothing when I left with my baby and whatever I could fit into my car. But I had hope that I was taking the right first step towards changing mine and my baby’s life. And I had a bundle of self help books that was the beginning for me to change my life. Keep going. You are heading in right direction. It will be tough but you will get there and I am here for you. You are right to feel confident. You have taken the hardest step. Put one foot in front of the other as after hitting rock bottom it will only get easier from here.
Hi, I was in a coersiv ely controlling and violent relationship for 11 years! I kept telling myself you have to go through this to come out the other side, you can’t go round it, or under it, you have to.go through it! It will be the rawest emotions you have ever had, it cuts very deep, to the bone! But while you feel this vulnerable you have to find the strength to tackle the grief for the relationship you thought you had, and everything that comes with it! To get your life back you have to go through it! I have been with my new partner four years, and we recently got married! He couldn’t be more different from the man I used to live with! Friends keep telling me how far I have come, but it only takes an item on t v on domestic abuse to cause me to wobble! Challenge your negative thoughts every day, that’s not what you think of you, that’s what he thought of you, you may still be figuring out what you think of you, that ok, you will get there! You are a strong woman, you had to be to live with all that stress, time to heal now! You will be just fine, you are much more resource ful than you think! Biggest journeys start with one step, like all the others! Take care of you!!
Great to hear you broke this cycle too. I wish you all the best in your future life together.
Being in a manipulative controlling relationship is something no one ever thinks will occur to them. I am 23 years old and met my current boyfriend my last year of college. The way we met and how we connected made me believe that he was the one. In the beginning he brought me flowers, complimented me, made an effort but 6 months
down the road he became cold and distant. He started controlling my wardrobe, didn’t terms of endearment anymore, manipulated me into deleting my social media, made me feel guilty for being looked at or complimented, wanted to know every detail of my life, compared me, no motivation from him, didn’t compliment me, told me he wanted me yet he wasn’t sure. He says he cares about me but hates that it’s always me who gets attention when we walk in somewhere and that he hates that he gets told he’s always the lucky one. I feel unappreciated. There’s so much more to it like cussing, insulting, and yelling, and him not appreciating when I do things for him. I don’t know what to do.
I was your age when I was going through an abusive relationship. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve better than this. Nothing you do will change him, only he can change himself. Given that he blames you for his behaviour then that is unlikely to happen. Please get help and support as it is hard to leave, especially when they are so manipulative. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to do so as your self esteem will be whittled away. I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m 19 years old and a freshman in college, I’m 9 months out of a 2 year physical abusive realationship. I spent 4 months in intensive trauma therapy but stopped when I was going to school. It still hurts my heart. Literally a pain in my chest, I wanna talk to someone on campus but the fear of having to tell someone what happened to me again and start over with a therapist holds me back. It makes me feel vulnerable and the pain of having to relive my experiences makes me continue to push it off. It’s hard to get through this alone, I’ve tried dating again, they’ve been patient with me but I still can not trust and I still can’t talk to them about what happened and how it still effects me. When I open up aboutvig their responses of how I “shouldn’t let it effect me” hurts me because it does effect me. Almost everyday it crosses my mind at least once but I’m thankful for the fact that on a couple days it doesn’t now. I struggle with getting through this and feeling the pain from it. I am trying to face myself and my pain without relying on a man for emotional support. I’m proud of myself but I struggle with getting through times like this when I’m reminded that a person that I loved and trusted wanted purposely to hurt me to make himself feel better. The legal part of it is over and his life has moved on. It feels unfair to me that my life still doesn’t feel normal. How do I be more paitent with my healing process and explain that I’m not finished healing to others? Thank you
Sorry to hear what you have been through Noelle but please be proud of yourself that you found the strength and courage to leave that abusive relationship as that takes a lot of guts. I would suggest you don’t try dating right now as you need time, help and support to heal the wounds of the trauma. Only when you are whole and secure within yourself will you find a healthy and lasting relationship. I’ve written more on this here: Dating too soon: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dating-too-soon/ There is no shame in reaching out for help, as it is not your fault. It is hard to do this alone, I couldn’t, so I’d urge you to try to find the right support. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I’d read every self help book I can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/ You are young and will turn your life around with time and help. It feels like a dark tunnel now, I know. But you have taken the hardest steps – leaving and knowing you need to work through this emotional pain. It will be hard, but you can do this, with help. Be proud of the steps you have taken so far and keep going.
I was abused and tortured for 13 years by a man that in the beginning appeared to be gentle and sweet, and everything i ever wanted, but he was not that man at all. He was a monster. I had been trying for several years to walk away but i kept going back. I recently cut off all contact. It has been a few weeks. He continues to torment me by spreading lies about me, contacting my friends relentlessly; while playing the victim, trying to degrade me in hopes that they will no longer want to be my friend, although they have some have questioned whether his lies are true and it has strained the relationship with what few friends i have left. I feel like his efforts to destroy me will never stop. I am lost, angry, depressed. I was so excited about being free and was going to get started on living again but i cant seem to do anything but relive it and i am not knowing how to live anymore. i apoligize if ive said to much but im unable to talk to anyone at least anyone who understands. i was looking for anything to help me and found your article and read the womens comments about what they have been through and while it brought me to tears, it gave me hope. I thank you.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Be proud of yourself for finding the courage to leave. It is so hard I know, especially when they wave a smear campaign against you. Please try to focus on you now, so that you can find the strength to stay away. Cut all contact if you can and you might need to take time out from friends who talk about him to you. I would urge you to get help and support as this hard to do alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I am happy I found your website.
I’m 19 years old and from 2014 to 2016 I dated a boy who abused me mentally. I actually thought I was the abusive but with time I saw it wasn’t me. I broke no contact many times and it’s been 1 year and 3 months since the last time I couldnt help myself and sent him a message.
He never hoovered me, but I suffered a lot with his friends messages etc. I still follow them on my social medias but decided to mute everyone so I don’t have to see anything related to him. When I see his pictures or anything related to him I feel extremely bad and it truly hurts me. Of course I’m much better since I was suicidal, but still, after 2 years and few months of breakup, I’m feeling bad. I think that’s because I broke no contact and also got into a relationship as soon as I left him, trying to forget everything, but just got even worse with reactive abuse.
I’m single and I really hope I can heal myself and don’t feel much pain with my memories.
You should feel so proud of yourself. You are around the same age as I was when I suffered abuse. You have found the strength and courage to leave. You have blocked him and gone no contact. Please keep going. You went into another abusive relationship as that is what happens – we repeat the cycle until we recognise it and heal. The best place for you to be right now is single. Stay strong. Keep going. You are on the right path.
I just got out of an abusive relationship. This is the hardest time I’ve ever gone through and I’ve gone through a lot. I still miss him I still have hope and I hate it. He lied to me went behind my back to talk to my ex and try and dig up dirt about me. He would control me to the point of fear. He said he started hearing voices on our FaceTimes he illegally recorded of me saying I was cheating when he could see that I was doing my homework. Things got so out of hand. He once pushed me not hard but pushed me out of a parked car. There’s so much more and still I miss him. The trauma bonding was real with this one. He did everything by the abuser manual. And I never even saw it, I believe the love he gave me. He bought me an engagement ring to hold over my head whenever he wanted something his way and never even gave it to me. I feel like a failure I feel worthless. I feel like I’ll never heal.
You have taken the hardest step which is to admit that this is not a healthy relationship and leave. Leaving an abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life too. Coercive control, codependency and the cycle of abuse is so hard to break free from. Be proud of yourself. You are so much better off as the abuse would only have got worse. Look after yourself. You are not a failure, nor are you worthless. Healing takes time. Keep walking towards the light. It feels like a dark tunnel right now, but you will get there. Read every self-help book you can, get help and support if you need it. Don’t look back.
I got out of an abusive 13 year marriage last year that was verbally, emotionally and sometimes physical (he would do the physical right in front of my family). By the time I left him I had almost lost contact from family due to him. I may have filed for divorce last month but I can tell I have started to heal emotionally when I began to develop feelings for a male friend of mine (whom I had met randomly out in the community at the same time I told my soon to be ex-husband it was over (I waited till his folks were up first before I did it so he couldn’t run to mommy and daddy)). Yes I should have left sooner but I was more scared than anything, especially with having a child with him, and when I did finally leave him I was seeing what everyone else had been telling me for years. He is still trying to control me via text messages like asking how my day is going. Most of the time if it isn’t about our child or needing a ride somewhere (if the city buses aren’t running as I don’t own a vehicle) I tend to ignore them making him realize I don’t want to talk that day.
Try to stay no contact as much as possible and if necessary then stick to logistics and leave all emotion out of it.
I left my physically and emotionally abusive husband after 26 years of marriage in May 19th 2019 with nothing but the clothes on my back. I now have severe PTSD, psychological trauma, and cannot eat or sleep. I always dreamed of leaving someday and thought when I did I would feel uplifted and free. I never could have imagined the physical pain that it is continuing to cause me. After three weeks he posted he is already in a new relationship. I am still in hiding because I’m not sure it’s safe yet.
Please get help and support as it is hard to heal from codependency and trauma, let alone break the cycle of abuse on your own. He is in a new relationship as he needs a new supply. Try not to focus on him now and only on your healing. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Lovely video. Though I do get tired of hearing how it’s our past that needs healing too. Nothing wrong with mine… it all started with loving someone with mental health issues, wanting to help him. Then he screwed my head up and broke my heart. I was fine before.
Thank you for this read.
I’m 2 months out of domestic abuse, but I’m still struggling to admit to myself that it was that, we had cameras in the house, I worked from home and I homeschooled our son, we never went out. Turning the cameras off would result in utter fury. He threatened to kill me in ear shot of our son, I am 6 months pregnant and on the final night he pushed me over and screamed and spat in my face. But still, in there I am still in love with him, with our future. I’m finding court very very hard and having to handle my own pregnant emotions and that of my son too, he’s been so conditioned he won’t even cry.
This has been a bit of a comforting read, but I still have a long way to go 🙁