Leave my abuser? How could I when I still loved him?
I’ll be honest. I knew my ex was a screwed-up guy. My head told me that not long after we met. The alarm bells were screeching. Could I hear them? Of course! Did I listen to them? No. My heart told my head to sod off and I agreed.
Here was a charismatic, gorgeous man focusing all his attention on me. I was the only one in his universe. Fireworks that would rival Sydney’s New Year’s Eve were going off. The sexual chemistry was intense. He was the best drug ever.
The high of being with him was intoxicating. Nervous butterflies were on a rampage in my stomach, which did a bit of a flip every time I saw him. And that’s how I knew he was the one. Yeah, right.
Like most Narcissists, it took a while for his darker side to kick in. But when it did I was already way too hooked on him; I needed more. So, I ignored all the warning signs. The ones that were there in front of my face, with bells on.
When Mr. or Mrs. Charisma has hooked you in, they have you. Then their dark side starts to come out. They start to become a bit moody. To pick a fight, usually over something “you’ve done.” So, you start to change your behavior in anticipation.
If his anger was over something you wore, you change your wardrobe to clothes less “slutty.” If she doesn’t like your friends, you stop seeing them. But no matter what you try, nothing works. The goal posts just get moved. They find another reason to blame you for their anger.
Abusive people have all the answers as to why they treat you poorly. Past girlfriends or boyfriends have betrayed them. They’ve had a difficult childhood; bad luck has let them down. So, you believe them and keep ignoring the warning signs.
To you, this is still that gorgeous person who swept you off your feet. You can still see the good beneath the dark side. You think: all they need is someone like you to take care of them, to bring that charming side back to the fore. And that makes you feel needed, secure.
But then the abuse gets worse. When they go into a rage now, they may storm out and disappear for days. They may even show the first signs of physical abuse. A push or a shove. Something that shocks you, as it comes out of the blue. (Something they’ll later dismiss as not being violence).
But the thought of breaking up and never seeing them again terrifies you even more than how they’re treating you. Hooked in as you were by the drug of when they basked you in their sunshine, you can’t or don’t want to see the real person they are. You ignored the early warning signs, now you deny the reality. It’s true what they say. Love can be blind.
When their rage has calmed down and they reappear, you’re relieved to see them again. It helps that the remorse they now show is equal to the severity of their latest abuse. They say how sorry they are. They sob in your arms. They’re “ashamed” of what they’ve done. They’ll “never do it again.” Blah, blah, blah.
They admit that they need you more than ever to help them change. And of course, this is music to your ears. But this honeymoon period never lasts. The verbal and / or physical abuse, followed by remorse, repeats itself. Over and over, in a cycle.
This cycle of violence (emotional and/or physical) is a toxic turning of unpredictable highs and lows. With each spin, it breaks you down. Any shred of self-esteem you have starts to erode.
You feel worthless and almost deserving of their anger. You start to believe it when they say you’re to blame for it. But you somehow rationalize it all by thinking that all they need is you to fix them to make the abuse go away. All you need to do is to love them more.
You don’t realize it, but loving them has become an addiction for you. You’re addicted to an unavailable person—someone who is not there for you and who doesn’t care for you. They may even be more focused on their own addiction, to alcohol and/or drugs.
Your head might be screaming at you to leave. But you just can’t. In your heart, you feel you love you them. “They need me,” you rationalize. You might even feel guilty if you abandon them.
You are just like an addict. If you admit that your life has become out of control and walk away, you’ll lose the very thing you are addicted to. That high you get from their charismatic, remorseful, attentive side. What you need to make you feel good again. After each dreadful low, you are desperate for a ‘fix,’ that high, again.
But at some point, you will reach rock bottom—the abuse will become extreme. If they’re physically abusive, they may have even tried to kill you. My ex did, by strangling me. He wrapped his hands around my throat when I was seven months pregnant and with a demonic look in his eyes he screamed, “Die, you c***! Die.”
Like many women, even after that, I still loved him! My heart kept screaming at me not to leave him. Yes, even after he almost killed me.
If you’re lucky your head will start to outweigh your heart. You’ll stop denying that this person is no good for you. Finally, you’ll dig deep and find the courage to walk away. I did. But not before going back to him many, many times. The drug-like pull back toward him was so great. The high, after we first reunited again, was better than the pain I felt when I was without him, alone.
When you leave an abusive person, the withdrawal feels as agonizing as, I imagine it might be, weaning off heroin. It did for me, at least. You’ve been numb for so long that a gamut of emotions pour out at once. Shame, anger, loneliness, guilt—you name it, you feel it. It hurts.
I have never sobbed like that before in my life. I was so overwhelmed by the rawness of them. But you need to feel these emotions, as painful as they are. You need to thaw out. To go cold turkey in order to recover.
Unless you look hard at why you were addicted to an unavailable person in the first place, you risk going back to them. Or replacing them with a different drug, in the form of another abusive person. Either way, like any addict, you risk losing your life.
You need to ask yourself the same questions I did:
Why is it I still love someone who abuses me? Why is it I need to numb myself with someone who is like a drug to me? Someone you know is no good for you, but is the only thing that will make you feel good again. Hopefully, like me, you’ll realize your addiction started way before you ever met this person.
I’m sure you know already that it has something to do with low self-esteem. If we don’t love ourselves, we’re attracted to those who treat us as though we are unlovable. But it’s not enough to just tell someone they need to “love themselves more.” “You need to work on your self-esteem!” That’s easier said than done. Believe me, I know.
First, you need to understand why it is that you feel you are unlovable, or feel you’re not good enough. How you came to be so low in self-esteem that you let a person abuse you. Only then can you break the cycle of addiction to them and recover.
You may be like me, having grown up in a comfortable, happy home. Never having experienced verbal or physical abuse before in your life. Or you may have suffered it in your family and be repeating the negative patterns of your past. Either way, the root of low self-esteem is if, in some way, your emotional needs were not met as a child.
It might be, for example, that one of your parents had an addiction say, to work or to alcohol. The other parent was then so focused on rescuing them that neither could meet your emotional needs.
It may be as simple as having a parent who was controlling. You weren’t allowed an opinion or any feelings of your own. And if you voiced them, they shut you down, so you learned to mistrust your gut instincts over time. Or it might have been they were such perfectionists, the only way to gain approval was to be perfect in every way.
Our experiences are unique to us, so only you will know. But try to work it out.
If our emotional needs aren’t met as a child, we grow up to have that fear we’re “not good enough.” We also fear abandonment, as we know how painful that is already.
Our parents may have been there when we were kids, but couldn’t deal with us on an emotional level. So, we choose a partner whose baggage matches ours. Someone whose needs weren’t met as a child either and who is as insecure as we are. Even better if they have problems that we can rescue them from—an addiction or a traumatic past. For if they need us, if they depend on us, then in our subconscious minds, they’re less likely to abandon us. To do what we fear most.
Besides, if we can be their rescuer, then we can focus all our attention onto them. By doing so we can deny, ignore, we can even numb our own feelings of insecurity and fears inside. It’s them that has the problem, not us! And it’s such an effective drug, we might not even be aware those feelings exist at all. I wasn’t.
The trouble is, this is a dysfunctional dance. The steps feel familiar, of course, as you’re recreating scenes from childhood to master them. But two people who are insecure are incapable of fulfilling each other’s needs.
To feel secure, both have the pathological need to feel in control. While I was ‘rescuing’ my ex, I felt in control and confident he wouldn’t leave me. But that left him feeling vulnerable, afraid I would see his flaws and walk away. So, he would need to push me away to regain his power.
Now I was the vulnerable one. Terrified he would abandon me, I would forgive him anything to get him back again. If I couldn’t, it would reinforce those painful childhood feelings I had of being unlovable. It would reveal the depth of my insecurity and fears.
And so, I tried to please him, to prove I was worthy of his love and my weakness gave him strength again. The love he then showered onto me was just the drug I needed to numb those fears away and gave me security to start rescuing him again. And so, the cycle begins.
But is this love? I had to ask myself the same. He was a man who treated me as worthless, I knew that. Yet I couldn’t leave him. I still “loved him.” Or so I thought. Until I understood that this is not love, but an addiction. An addiction to someone who could never love me, who could never meet my emotional needs.
He said he loved me all the time. But he never showed me I was lovable. I told myself, too, that I loved him. But in fact, I just wanted to rescue him, to turn him into something I had projected him to be, not who he was. A pity project, perhaps, that could distract me from how f***ed up I was.
When I finally left, I had to treat my addiction to this unavailable man the way any addict does. Go cold turkey. Thaw out. I had to feel all those painful feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Those hideous emotions that poured out. But that was the only way to heal.
I had to go back to the root cause of my lack of self-esteem, where it was seeded in my childhood. Not to judge my parents. Like me, they were doing the best they could at the time. But to understand how I’d come to be this way.
As painful and as hard as this is, once you get it and face those fears down, your insecurity will start to melt away. And little by little you begin to love yourself. I started by doing one nice thing for myself each day. Eventually, I found that self-esteem that everyone had been going on about.
You only attract someone equal to what you think you are worth. Abusive people, who previously saw a chink in your armor, will now see you and run a mile. They’ll see that you get they’re not good enough for you.
Those people who are self-confident and don’t need you to rescue them, will no longer terrify you. And among them will be the one, like I have since found. The person who treats you with kindness and respect. The person who meets your emotional needs and brings out the best in you. The person who allows you to be vulnerable, but safe. They’ll never use that vulnerability as a weapon against you.
Sure, they could walk away any day. But you’ll no longer fear that. For if they do, you’ll just figure it’s not meant to be. You’ll still be there. And you’ll be enough to meet all your own emotional needs, with or without a partner.
Does this resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below.
This post was republished with permission from TinyBuddha.com. You can find the original post here.
If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):
AUSTRALIA:
1800Respect: 0800 737 732 https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au
UK:
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107 http://paladinservice.co.uk
US:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org
Thank you for sharing you experiences . You have captured the reality of these situations so accurately. It’s like reading what is currently going on in my brain. I am struggling to leave an abusive relationship. At the moment Dr Jekyll is who I am dealing with- he is really really nice. Mr Hyde is a muted right now but I know he is in there and I am terrified of when he flits into that way of behaving. I am battling with myself- all I need to say is “this relationship is over” but I can’t seem to make the break- the words won’t come out of my mouth. I think it’s a survival thing. I fantasise about dumping him but in reality i just can’t make it happen. I am trying to take steps each day to build my confidence back- I think I am getting there but it will take time. My boyfriend and I don’t live together at the moment so that has made it easier as it has given me some space to breathe and feel safe. He is being really nice to me right now which makes me question my judgement and wonder if perhaps things may change. It is so confusing. This is my second abusive relationship. My first abuser left me for another woman after 8.5 years. I was so upset but looking back it was a blessing. But then I met number 2 after 18 months of being on my own. We have been together for almost 4 years. At first it was like something out of a romantic novel and he felt like my knight in shining armour but it has descended into abuse. I cannot believe it. It has been a different type of control- he has different techniques but it’s more scarey as he doesn’t seem to have problems putting his hands on me when he is angry, he has a criminal record for extreme violence and he is paranoid and jealous- even though I haven’t done anything wrong. I just feel that if he loses it properly I won’t stand a chance. My gut instinct tells me I am in danger around him as he has already pinned me to a wall by my head but this was when I tried to end it before which I think stops me from ending it as I am worried about what he will do to me. You also get quite good at numbing out during abusive behaviour and also I forget the details which is how I cope. I have been to see my GP and am trying to arrange some counselling with someone who specialises in DV. I am desperate to get out but the part of me that thinks I love and need him is stopping me. You are helping so many people with your words- thank you again. X
Hi Alice, thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry to hear about the abuse that you have been suffering. If your gut instincts are telling you that you are in danger then I urge you to get out. According to experts in this area I have been reading and listening to, the woman involved’s gut instincts of danger are one of the most accurate indicators that she is at risk of losing her life. I know how hard it is to leave though. I’ve written about this drug-like pull in more detail in the Daily Mail article I wrote http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4294790/Why-believe-women-addicted-abusive-men.html#readerCommentsCommand-message-field and in this post https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-addiction/
I couldn’t have done it without support, so encourage you to continue to seek help from DV experts and counsellors to help you break the addiction cycle that makes you keep going back. Also to help you with any self-esteem issues and to build it into a stronger, healthier sense of self-worth. This is crucial to setting strong boundaries and finding a healthier relationship. I wrote a little on that here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/self-esteem-matters/
Stay strong and keep moving forward towards recovery. I wish you all the best and thanks again.
My gut instinct is screaming at me. I went out for a day trip with my sister in May last year to a horse trials event. I had temporarily ended the relationship and he was stalking me but I felt safe for the day as I was not at home but walking round this lovely country estate in the sunshine watching horses doing cross country but as we were leaving there was a sign saying the dates for the event in May 2018. I glanced at the sign and from nowhere I had an awful premonition that i would not be alive in May 2018. I have never thought about anything like this before and it scared me so much. I guess it could have just been a thought as I was receiving lots of unsolicited text messages from him. He then went to jail for a violent offence against someone else and he was released yesterday. I am going to keep myself safe- I want to live a long and happy life. I have 2 children. I need to win this battle that I am having with myself. I hear you on the heroin thing. Thank you for this blog and for your reply to my original post. X
That must have been terrifying! I hope he is no longer stalking you. If so, I would urge you to report it and try to take photo evidence of it. A friend of mine managed to get a restraining order against her ex for stalking her. Stay safe, put yourself first at all times and look after your precious children. Thanks again for your comments x
Sorry, I realise I never responded to this. I hope you’re doing okay. I promise I’m not trying to do a sales job on you but I really do think my online video course will help you make sense of this all. My second course Start with Me: Survivor to Staying strong – is about why we find it hard to leave someone who hurts us and we know is no good for us. Why we still love them and feel so pulled back to them. Why the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is the person who hurts us. I will be launching this very soon. The first one Start with Me: Victim to Survivor is here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/start-victim-survivor/ which may also benefit you. If you’d like to join the waiting list then you will be alerted as to when the new one is launching and be able to find out more and if it’s right for you or not. Stay strong x
You know, it’s so strange…. I am reading your response and yes, Vivian, I felt your description of my reality is chilling. But what is creepy is when I met this man, I called him Hyde. I had no idea why, it just came out of my mouth.
I am still here in our apartment looking around at our life. I am miserable, puffy, sleeping way too much, and don’t have any energy, still crying all the time as our fights are almost daily. It has been so tough for me to realize that despite the wonderful memories, I never had a break from the eruptions. Even during those beautiful times I seemed to have forced myself to forget the other part of the cycle because it ALWAYS comes back. It’s so sad that a person so charismatic and special has so much darkness, and I was just always hoping that it would change. Now after four years, I am figuring out how to move on. Just reading your stories is enough to make me realize that this person will never be able to love me the way I deserve.
You deserve better Laura. Being in love is not meant to equal being in pain. This is the hardest concept to get your head around, it was for me. But it’s important to see that they are the same person. Jekyll is Hyde and equally responsible for his behaviour and the pain he causes you. Otherwise, we spend our lives forgiving the bad and waiting and hoping for the good to come back. But the highs will get fewer and further between and the lows will get lower. Get out while you are strong enough. The longer you stay with a narcissist, the harder it is to leave. Have you read this post: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ It might help you as well. I’m here if you need support.
You know, I’m here at this crossroads, as the police are beginning their investigation into my boyfriend strangling me. I love him and can’t figure out why. Why do I feel guilt and shame, why can’t I get any support from my family (the only people I feel comfortable sharing the embarrassing news with.)?
I have been reading non stop since he was arrested, I can now more clearly see my issues described in these books, blogs, and articles.
So, the question is or was for me, since I played my unhealthy part in the relationship, can or could we ever work?
Well, first let me tell you that I felt my first feeling of anger when my mother texted that “he has to try to clear his name” as her response to my texting that he has a lawyer now, which in my mind kind of explained why he didn’t come home or call me, when I totally expected retribution for, and felt terror after calling the police; I had called them in a trance like state, after googling what to do about abuse, and simply followed the instructions.
But you know, I finally stopped looking at this from current perspective. I thought to myself, why would she (my mother) say that (he has to clear his name), people should know that about him; women especially, his future girlfriends, you know!
Then the best perceptive I had was when I thought of my daughter in my position. The same exact situation, and how I would feel and what I would do. That when I realized it!!! I would tell her to get out!!! Get away from him, never go back, he’s manipulating you into thinking that this might work if you just changed a little more for him, he doesn’t love you and never will!!! Get out!!!
So, now I know what I must do, I have to do that for myself. My daughter needs to know that it’s possible if God forbid, she is ever in my situation, I will not allow myself to be my mother, I will be stronger, I will now begin to respect myself and expect a man’s respect in return, and if he doesn’t respect me, then be done with him. She doesn’t deserve it (or she wouldn’t)!!!
I would say to her: The financial support he provides for you and your daughter isn’t worth it, he has already killed your spirit, don’t let him kill you and take away her mother!!! I know you want to die or feel like death might be so merciful right now, but get out, you can and will get your strength to live back, I know you will!!! You might even thrive again!!! 😀 Just keep going, keep trying to move on, and you will!
I am so happy to hear this. Not what you have been through, of course, but for the strength and courage you have found. It’s only when we find that self love and know that we deserve better, that things change. You attract what you think you are worth. If you have low self-worth, you’ll attract a man who treats you as worthless. You don’t deserve this and I am so proud of you for knowing that you need to be an example for your daughter to follow too. This is the only way to break the cycle and not pass the negative patterns down to her, as they will have been passed down to you in some way. It is hard at first, but as you say, just keep going and never look back. Stay strong x
Hi thank you so much for this I have been with my abuser for 25 years and 5 kids. We broke up a lot during our dating times and was warned not to marry him but I didn’t listen. I ha e had low self esteem for years and I married him out of habit I love but not I love he had bed. Charged 4 times in 7 years. He has addiction issues to. The physical has gotten worse but not every day and only if he’s drunk and I do something to make him mad basically I needed to shut my mouth and it’s his way only one boss. I left and did counselling got strong said I would never go back and I did cause of that hope of his words of how he loves his family and will stop drinking and all the abuse was infront of kids. Now we were renovating house going to sell and start fresh but he can’t cope with stress and drinks everyday I just ignored it and made sure I never got him mad was hard cause I have 3 young kids and he always yelling at them to keep quiet. Soo much I could go on and on. But this last time recently was the worst of the physical and now he will be going to jail again and now I am in shambles with five kids I know I ha e a addiction problem and want help to break it and never go back again. A lot why I go back is due to he can give me the financial security but I do receive government assistance and he hasn’t worked in 7 years just got an inheritance we’re can I go to get help to stop going back I was mad but now miss him and feel for him as he blames the antidepressant made him black out . I live in Canada ontario
Hi Nicole. You are trying everything in your power not to provoke him or to cause his anger. You are not responsible for his behaviour, moods or emotions and you are not to blame. Nothing you can do can change him. Nor can you rescue him from his addictions. I would urge you to get help and support. I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines. They will be able to point you in the direction of financial and emotional support. It’s important to break this unhealthy relationship and cycle, not just for you but for the sake of your kids. You and they deserve better. Please find support here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Wow. This describes exactly how I feel. My abusive ex is going to jail for 6 months starting Monday for abusing me. I am proud of myself for finally standing up to him but a little bit of me still misses him. I know he never loved me so I have no idea why I miss him. =(
Hi Mary Beth. You should be very proud of yourself. I know how much courage and strength that takes. I also know exactly why you miss him. It might be worth reading this post (which has a video in it as well) – https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/. I promise I’m not trying to do a sales pitch on you.. but
I also think it would be worth you considering taking my new online video course, which will be launching soon. I worry that, if you feel this way about your abusive ex, then you risk going into another abusive relationship. You need to break the cycle, which we tend to repeat with our next relationship. If you join the waiting list for my first course here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/start-victim-survivor/, then you will be alerted as to when the next one is coming out and can find out more about it. It’s called Survivor to Staying strong. It is designed especially for women like you who have recently left an abusive relationship. If not, then keep reading my posts and watching my videos as I think they will help you too. Stay strong x
This is exactly me . I was with him 12 years , and the craziest part of all of those 12 years , I sat waiting on him to come to America from Australia . We had a whirlwind affair online for 12 years , and it was by far the worst abuse I could have put myself through . He lied about every single detail of his life , even his real name , if I had not seen him on cam each day/night I would have really believed he was not real at all . He love bombed for months , and after about a year , everything came to surface . I had been struggling already from almost 30 years of spousal about , and a childhood filled with abuse , in every way possible . I told myself at least there was no hitting me , or raping me , but the words , his heart hurt me worse than anyone ever hitting me . I have recently found out I am a victim of trauma bonding , most all my life and it is near impossible for me to let go of any relationship , whether personal or business that is not abusive in some form . I am in recovery programs to help with all my emotional issues , but I can’t stop my heart from loving the man I met in the beginning .
So sorry to hear what you have been through. A childhood filled with abuse does lead one to replicate it, as a way to try to conquer it, in later life. Although negative it is what has become our normal. So when we meet another abusive person it feels familiar to us. It is not love, but control. The love you feel for the person you first met is the fantasy person they created to hook you in. It is not the real them. But it is such a powerful manipulation that it is what keeps us waiting and hoping they will change. The most important thing you can do is to take your focus off them and put it where it belongs – onto you. I am glad you are in a recovery programme and getting professional support. It is crucial to help break this bond and to start to help you to put your needs and wellbeing first. When you can find self love, then you will start to see that This is. It a healthy form of love. You deserve better. Keep going with that support and little by little you will get through this painful recovery and heal. It hurts, I know, but you have take. The hardest step, admitting you need that support. Stay strong. You will get there.
I loved your article, I loved every word of it, it resonated with my experience at a very intimate level… and it also gave me hope, hope that things will and can get better for me as i struggle emotionally to cope with the love I still have towards the man who abused me. I was in an abusive relationship for a yr and 8 months. At first everything was a fairy tail, I felt like a princess and he was my Prince Charming, then the emotional abuse began, and quickly after we moved in together, the physical abuse began. I rationalized his behavior by saying “he’s drunk, he doesn’t know what he’s doing”. I even blamed it on myself, “I shouldn’t have gotten him that upset”. I worked so hard to make the relationship “better”, never realizing that I was molding myself to be “less difficult” in order to avoid fights and arguments. I was walking on eggshells around the man who was supposed to be my soulmate. It all finally came to an end after he choked me, and I decided to finally leave. I pressed charges and that gave me the strength to finally leave and walk away. It has been now a week and a half since I’m out of the relationship. My heart aches for him, I feel bad that I “ruined” his life by pressing charges, but I also know I did the right thing. I am aware I deserve better… but my heart still remembers the good times, the times I felt loved by him and sometimes I wish we can still fulfill all those dreams of having a life together. It is a work in progress… I feel relieved at times because I feel liberated, I can now be myself. I no longer live with constant anxiety, wondering if he is mad at me, or if something I did or said bothered him… it feels good to finally work on me, on taking care of myself, after spending so much time taking care of him… thank you for writing your story and sharing it with us… you’re giving me hope… especially on a night like today, where I feel my heart breaking because I miss him so much…
Thank you so much for your kind words. This is why I am doing what I am writing this blog. I am so happy to hear you’ve found the strength to leave. This will be the hardest time though. Leaving and withdrawing from a relationship like this was one of the toughest things I ever went through. It is like withdrawing from a chemical addiction and the pull back to that drug – how they can instantly make you feel good again – will be strong. Please remember when you feel weak and his manipulative tactics are so powerful you want to go back, if your partner has strangled you in the past, the odds of them killing you goes up to 750%! No “love” is worth dying for. You do deserve better. Stay strong, keep watching my videos and reading my posts. If you find you are still struggling I have an online video course that is designed to help you get over an abusive relationship, even when you still love them and feel that intense pull back to them. How to trust again and, if and when you’re ready, start dating again. If you’d like me to send you more information on it, let me know. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, away from being a victim and towards being a survivor. You can do this. I’ve got your back too. Let’s all become unbeatable together!
Elizabeth, the same has just happened to me. I was married 10 years. And now I am pressing charges and it is very hard. I almost feel a painful guilt as I was supposed to rescue him. I hope we together can advocate and help others. I feel remarkable for leaving but these emotions are so hard!
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been through this too Anna. I know that feeling of guilt and the need to rescue. Our need to rescue someone needy is our unconscious way of denying we are the ones who need saving. When we leave them and no longer have them to focus on, the emotions we have suppressed for so long rise to the surface. It is very painful. They are a mix of guilt, sorrow for what we’ve lost, anger, fear of the future, you name it. Plus, we have to face ourselves and understand why and how we came to be in that relationship if we are to heal. It is tough. I am so glad you are both part of the Unbeatable community now, as I agree Anna, let’s all get and stay strong together!
Thank you so much for sharing. It was as if I am reading my own life and experience. What’s amazing is knowing these men exist and it’s a habitual pattern. What you wrote was my life. I recently left, it has been a month and I am having those hard emotions hitting me, but I am fighting through them – knowing just that – it isn’t love! Thanks for sharing!
Sadly there are way too many of us who share the same experience. The more I connect with others, the more I realise how many are like this and how many suffer in relationships with them. So glad to hear you are fighting through the painful withdrawal and knowing it’s control, not love. Keep going. You will get there.
Thank you so much for this. After just a few days of being away from my abuser (who is currently in jail for aggravated assault against me), the feelings of guilt, need, loneliness, etc. are all closing in on me. It feels as though I cannot live without him. Despite only being together for 6 months, it was a whirlwind of happiness and a pit of hell all in this short time frame. He was the smooth, charming, sly, “loving” gentleman. He understood me. He took my child in as his own. He wanted what I wanted. He was the handyman, chauffeur, and in a way a servant attending to my needs and wants. Making sure I ate well, drawing hot baths, bringing me breakfast or lunch to work, spending time with my son and I. Making sure he became my family when my biological family was not supportive. I came to rely on him. Stages 1 and 2 from the book of sociopathy. Classic. At first I was shocked when he became violent. I was in his hometown, 500 miles away from my home. It was over another woman that he refused to stop seeing. Somehow, it became my fault. The other times, random excuses. He’s a substance user so the rages became more intense as he became bolder, angrier, and resentful. Alcohol, pills, and marijuana he said caused this. His rationale also included I was getting in the way. Or I was seeing someone else. Or I wasn’t speaking enough. Or I talked too much. I didn’t answer the phone on the first ring. I didn’t stand on my head and juggle watermelons. The last is a joke but his excuses became that ridiculous. Last stage of sociopathy. Interestingly, he included not remembering details the next day after the abuse. Sometimes shortly after the abuse. Working in the field as a psychologist, I knew each and every one of these signs. I saw them coming. But the abuse is suffered as a child, being a single parent, opening up about my longing for love…he knew my weaknesses. He was an expert manipulator and I fell hard. Unfortunately it was not me who called authorities…it was my mother who lives next door. After 3 hours of torture (e.g., hitting, slapping, choking, wrestling, verbal bullying), I was able to get away. It was over from there. I’m so angry that she took him away from me. However, I know this was for the best or else he could have (and came close) killed me…in the same house as my sleeping toddler. Unfortunately, I have spoken with him by phone and even tried to visit him in jail. Thoughts of paying his release bond have even crossed my mind. Anything to get the Dr. Jekyll back. The crux is Mr. Hyde will also accompany him. As a mental health professional, I know who he is, the pattern he has, likely consequences, reoffending rates, recovery process for the victim, legal process and all. As a woman who has been victimized and assaulted by a sociopath, all of my training is out of the window and the reward system in my brain is telling my emotional self to wait it out, help him, love him more, continue to be there for him, keep him around if the legal system doesn’t hold him, believe in him. This is the struggle. It is real. Drawing on my coping skills and the love for my child are all I have right now. It devastates me to see this with patients and even more so when now not only can I empathize with them, I am them. Again, thank you all so much for sharing your stories, knowledge, and providing support.
I am so sorry to hear your story. What an awful time you’ve had. You are lucky to be alive as well and I am so glad that you are away from him. Leaving is one of the hardest things I have ever done as it is an addiction we have to them. It is like withdrawing from a drug. We need them to make us feel good about ourselves again, even if we know they abuse us. But, no love is worth dying for. I would urge you to get as much support as you can get. If he has addictions then I would consider joining the support groups Al-anon or Nar-anon (for wives, family and friends or alcoholics/drug addicts). They were a lifeline for me. Anonymous and free. And yes, remember your child in this. You don’t want to pass this cycle abuse down to them. You can break it. I did. It was like walking through the darkest of tunnels and I wanted to run back to him many, many times. The pull back is so strong. But if you get the right support and keep putting one foot in front of the other you can get there. The most important thing now is to work on you. Try to understand why you are low in self-esteem (usually comes from our emotional needs not being met as children), so you can address the negative patterns that we keep repeating until we deal with them. Get help and support to build your self-esteem, so you are better able to say ‘no, this is not good enough for me, I deserve better’. Write down all the things he’s done to you, all the reasons you left. Put it up on your fridge if you have to, so you can read it when you feel weak. Please remember, that the odds of being killed by your partner increase by 750% if they have strangled you in the past. You would be in danger of losing your life if you went back to him. Your child needs its mother and you both deserve better than this. Have you read this post? It might help: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ Please try to stay strong. You can also join my Unbeatable Facebook Group if you want support: https://www.facebook.com/groups/508030766214038/
I need help, I was in a loving marriage a man who adores me still does! But 2 years ago my head was turned by a man who was everything my husband was not, strong, manly, confident to me gorgeous he made me feel alive. He came out of prison for which he had been in for a DV crime, false imprisonment of his ex, had history of drugs and other violent offences against men, never laid hands on a woman, did alarm bells ring, no. I was hooked we like all the same things he makes me laugh is protective. My kids ended up on child protection he wasn’t allowed near them because they said the risk he posed to me was indirect risk to the children. I stuck to the rules but continued to see him I love him. So what’s wrong this, he’s so jealous, has smashed a phone makes me show him my call logs, messages, he was back using heroin and I didn’t know he was always popping off for hours I was at bottom of his priority but he would demand money and call me names threaten to leave me if I didn’t give it. One night he left me whilst we were out with a group of his friends at 5am he called wanting picking up he was absolutely smashed, I went crazy st him in the hotel room and he pushed me over and beat me with a pillow, but i had started it. Even then I didn’t leave him he was on licence I didn’t want him recalled to jail. He calls me names accuses me of cheating says he’s going to meet me then let’s me down saying if I wanna see him I gotta go there. I feel totally lost. I drove there last week and we were in my car I was driving him home and he didn’t want me to leave do he pulled the handbrake l nearly crashed he was then shouting at me to tell him the truth threatening to smash up the car, said u tell or u won’t get out the lane alive. I was distraught but then he switched back to mr loving and protective didn’t want me crying. Always demands sex even if I don’t want and says he has needs. I hate him but I love him so much I was a strong woman I had everything good job friends social life it’s all gone. I keep saying fuck him he doesn’t love me how can he but the knots in my stomach the pull to call him I miss him I miss my man! The thought of him with someone makes me sick but I can’t stsnd this to top it off the man I left for him my husband still adores me and is there for me and kids and yeah that is real love.
What can I do how do I break this feeling the need to see him even though I get anxious st seeing him. Everyone around me says told u so they don’t get it I’m lost
Hi Sandy. I know it feels like love, but this is an addiction to a dangerous man. You need to get out and stay out of this relationship or you could end up being seriously hurt or even killed. You are not to blame for any abuse, emotional or physical, whether you started an argument or not.
This cycle of abuse will only get worse, it will escalate and you risk losing your life. He is no good for your children either. The pull towards him is because you are addicted to him, when you withdraw from him it feels painful and hard as it is like withdrawing from a drug. I urge you to seek help and support. You can’t do this alone. I’ve listed free helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Please seek help and get out. No “love” is worth dying for.
I’m currently trying to get over an abusive man I’ve dated for close to 3 years. He didn’t like labels so I can’t even claim him as my ex “boyfriend” but he expected me to act like his “wife”. When he was nice, he was wonderful, but when he was mean it was horrible. A month ago, he was drunk and put me in the hospital with broken bones that I’m still recovering from. He claimed he blacked out. He was abusive in the past and it only got worse. He would do bad things to me and when I stood up for myself, I’d catch hell. He would ignore me for days or acted mean toward me until I ended up apologizing even though I did nothing wrong. He always flipped it and somehow made everything my fault and him the victim. But I just couldn’t go with out him so I would do whatever it took to make things right between us. And that only made my self esteem even lower and him more disrespectful. I still feel like I love him but lately I’ve been asking myself how can I love someone who treats me so poorly. I’ve been praying to God for strength and I’m glad I ran across this article because I know that childhood issues are the root cause of my low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. And I’m ready to get over those issues in order to be in a healthy, loving, and “real” relationship in the future. I’m taking it one day at a time. To those that are going through this please be encouraged. Get out and NEVER go back.
Hi Kelly. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I am so glad you have got out as you do deserve better than that. The most important thing is to find self-love as it all starts from there. If we don’t have self-worth we end up with those who treat us as worthless. Take one day at a time and keep walking away from this abuse. Look after yourself.
Wow, every word was just true. Although he has never hit me. He has crushed a granola bar in my hand out of rage because I was eating while we were in an argument. he has picked up from behind and carried me inside his house when I just wanted to leave. but he’s not violent he says. he calls me a baby for thinking that is abuse. I often left him a lot in the 2 years we have been “together”. Stupid mistake for it is always thrown in my face and called a bitch and a whore, but he doesn’t mean it after it happens. but the next day I pretty much deserved it because of my actions. I slept with people while we were broken up months ago, and I am a whore he says. It has resorted to me feeing crazy and like I am the abuser, every fight we have all I can say is fuck you. I can’t handle it anymore but I can’t leave because I will miss him and the cycle will start again. When we are good it is intoxicating I love him so much. But then I remember him swerving and punching his steering wheel and slamming on his brakes, and I want to leave again and I tell him that, and what a mistake, he says, how could he be abusive when I don’t even give him a chance, how could he be the one causing the problems when I’m the one who wants to leave every day. I feel like I’m in a dark hole. I cheat on him to feel free, and that makes me think maybe I am the problem. I dont know what to do, I could see him hitting me, and sometimes in the back of my head I wish he would so I had a legitimate reason to leave that he couldn’t turn around and make me the bad one. Im only 18, my first year of college, he’s 20 lives in his grandmas basement, throws it in my face how much he does for me, I don’t see anything he does for me. But still I cannot leave. Every time we fight I just want to die, it would be easier than the consequences of leaving him. Im so lost.
Hi Kiarra, sometimes it’s hard to realise we are in abusive relationships, when it is emotional abuse and not physical. This is an abusive relationship and I would urge you to see help and support to get out. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I was your age when I was going through what you are now. I know how tough it is to leave. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the harder it is to walk away. But you deserve better. You feel the way you do as we develop an addiction for these types of men, so that when you leave them it hurts so badly you want to go back. The only person who can make us feel good about ourselves again is the same one who is hurting us. It is known as codependency. Please seek help to break this cycle of abuse, as it will only get worse. Your self-esteem will be chipped away until you have little left and find it impossible to leave. There are men out there who will love you in a healthy way, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t. I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
If he did hit you, he would make it your fault. The main reason why people are abusive is because they cannot or refuse to see past their own thinking and feelings. They rationalize on anger, and no matter where that anger and resentment comes from, they will blame anyone who lets them. If you want to help them and yourself, leave. Things only escalate after time, even though it doesn’t seem that way because it is a roller coaster of good and bad. Someone WILL love you, and you DO NOT have to pay for HIS problems. I believe everyone has the power to change, but we cannot change them. By having high standards of how we should be treated, we help change those people for the better because if they CHOOSE to see it, they understand how alone they will be if they do not change, because no one wants to claim their emotional baggage blame and give them a sucker and a bandaid and coddle their immature, reckless, inconsiderate, thoughtless, mean, and selfish behavior. They have no right to inflict their own pain on anyone else. Leave this guy, I promise you won’t be alone forever. Life is more than just about sex and passion, but with the right people both those things will come around.
I agree. We can’t change them, we can only change us. They either change with us or we leave and find someone who treats us the way we deserve to be treated.
I thought I was all alone loving someone who tried to kill me. I’m glad I came across this post in my desperate search for someone to know, understand and help me stop this. My husband shot me almost 2 yrs ago. Once in the face which went through my jaw and out my neck and once in the back shoulder that broke my clavicle coming out the front. I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter at the time. This was the first time he was ever abusive. We rarely argued in a 3 year relationship but had only been married 8 months. But due to some problems from my ex and threats to take my children if I did not “get rid” of my husband I asked him to move out with his kids for a while till we got everything sorted out. He became very angry and showed a dude I’d never seen before and demanded a divorce. So I filed for divorce and the very next morning he shot me. I nearly died. But as I laid in the hospital on a ventilator, mouth wired shut, and in more pain than I ever thought possible I missed him. He had been good to me. He seemed to love me more than anything. Everyone was in disbelief that he could do this. Everyday I wanted him there to help me. He was bonded out of jail and till this day has not had a trial. After having our baby the want to talk to him and just ask him why got stronger. When I thought he was for sure going back to jail I messaged him. He had a 250k bond over his head yet he responded. I asked him everything. He said he was sorry and he didn’t mean for it to happen. That he didn’t know the gun was loaded. I wanted to believe it but I didn’t. I still wanted to see him. And in secret I did. We have seen each other and I’ve stayed with him many times. Its as if it never happened and I cannot put the person who shot me with him. I feel like I need him. I want him to see the pain I am in and take care of me.like he used to. I want him to give our daughter everything like we had planned. I love to watch him with her. She is happy with him. I am happy with him. When I’m away from him I feel lost. Nothing can give me the “high” that he does. I truly believe I’m addicted to him. My pain levels go up, my stress levels rise, my.entire body screams for him. I do not know what to do. I cannot tell anyone around me. I never take my other children near him but I’m still afraid my ex would take them from me if he ever found out. I have nobody else to take care of me. I do not know how to live without him.
Hi Anna Lewis, I am glad you found me. This is an addiction, it’s not love. This man has tried to kill you. Shooting you in the head is a very clear sign of his intention, his saying he didn’t think it was loaded is irrelevant and I don’t believe it. You are lucky to be alive. I would urge you to seek professional help and support immediately. Please get away from this man. 2-3 women are killed every week and given that he has already been close to killing you, next time – and there will be a next time – you may end up as one of them. You can’t do this alone. It is tough breaking this addiction and cycle of abuse, but you must. If not for you, then for your daughter. If you don’t break this cycle, apart from the fact she may end up without a mother, she too will grow up to repeat the pattern, most likely attracted to violent men. I’ve listed free and anonymous helplines. Please find the strength and courage to take that first step and call. No love is worth dying for. https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m sitting here just really realizing from what I read from the post that I am not loved by the guy who I love most in the world. Who I love even more than I love myself . I feel pitty no longer for him but for myself . Because I believed all his lies and all his passionate I love yous. And thought If I did love him just a little more he would be happy . But he didn’t even love himself . How could he ever love me . He couldn’t and he didn’t. And it hurts to even type that right now that he doesn’t truly love me after everything I have given up and done for him. Guys like him I stayed away from for so long . How did I become so blinded. It hurts so so bad. But has made me strong . I feel strong knowing I took the first step and that’s leaving him alone. Day by day it’s like a real addiction for me . I have to take it day by day . I hope I will it ever put me or my kids through this horrible cycle I went through. I was blind but now I see . Im free !!! I’m fucking free from this cycle of torment and love and hate. No more !! No more !!! . I love my kids more and they’re so important to me and no other love is more important to me at this moment than they’re love . And I feel horrible I put him first before them . I should of left his ass a long time ago. Better later than never
Hi Alexandria, you’ve taken the most important step – admitting that this is not good enough for you and you deserve better. Now, put yourself, your needs and your children’s first. Build your self-esteem, so you can learn to set healthier boundaries and say no, it’s not good enough to any abusive behaviour. Put one foot in front of the other towards being a Survivor and away from being a Victim. Stay strong x
I am currently in the steps of leaving my husband. It took me too long to acknowledge him as abusive. I, over time, got so confused about why I was even unhappy sometimes. It is hard, because I thought abusive people were like sociopathic or something. This relationship taught me that abusive people really are like any of us, but how they choose to see the world and what they do with their pain and suffering hurts other people, not just themselves. I have hope one day my husband can change, because he does have moments of clarity, but I also realize it won’t be with me. I had to acknowledge that by returning to him, no matter how good the good times were or that he was the father of my child, was enabling him, and in his mind confirming his feelings. Our feelings aren’t wrong, what we do with them and what thoughts we put to them can be. I pray everyday to God for him this week, because so often he has spent looking for enlightenment from his soul. I want happiness for him, I am empathetic and I cannot help this, and I have decided it is okay to love people even abusers, but first I must love myself. Reading posts like this helps me so much, because I am devastated to lose the man I love, even though it means losing the man I hate. I let myself feel the pain, and I listened to the people who love me and stopped protecting him. He had not put his hands on me in 10 months, but I made a promise to myself if he did it again, I would really leave that time. I would take action. I did. I called the cops, I pressed charges, and I got an order of protection for myself and my daughter. I will be trying to get a divorce, as well. I did not try to appeal to him this time when we had another argument that led him calling me names and talking down to me. I stayed sad, I kept my distance, I said I wanted s marriage counselor now or I wanted out. I had to keep pushing the counselor because I said I would not talk about our issues without a professional present, and it always made him mad. I want to believe he loves me, because I love him, but I guess I don’t need him to. I can’t still love him, but I have to love him differently. He cannot be my friend or my lover, but I can care for him and hope he finds the man in his heart he’s been looking for and let’s vulnerability take over. It was so hard, I was so scared and turned to his mother for help because I didn’t want to leave him or have people look at him bad, but she only victim blamed me. I will not let her see my daughter either without me or my mother present. I do not know how to cope with this, though. I do not Think bad about myself, and I do not lack self confidence, and I don’t know how I ended up here. I never want to be alone, and I think this is my problem. I wanted a family and a home so bad, and I am so understanding because I had insecurities in the past that I was able to work through I didn’t notice things that were red flags, like him going through all my emails and pictures and texts after two months of us dating. He was jealous of my ex and always questioning me about my past. I did not feel like he took the time to learn me for who I was, and I always felt like I was still dealing with his emotional baggage from previous relationships. Things suddenly were great later on, I had no fears, none! I was so happy with him, and I felt free. It all changed when I became pregnant. Everything went down hill. He would get so angry and hurt me, bashing my head into the floors and against things, choking me my putting me in head locks, gave me a black eye from smashing my head on the counter. When I tried to walk away from his fights he would block me in, steal my phone if I tried to call for help, and threatens to kill me after my baby was born and I threatened to leave. I always excused him thinking his past trauma of losing his father and sister triggered ptsd and losing people, because many friends of his had died, too. He had so many awful things, and I felt so bad for him, that even though I was always stern and always stood up to him, I always secretly made excuses for him, too. He is twice my size and after the third fight I tried fighting back and it made it worse, but I was so mad at him. He felt so sorry for himself, and so angry at me. He was only truly sorry the first time it happened. He always ended up sobbing, and I never even cared. I always told him you can’t be awful to someone and then expect them to want to comfort you. It makes me so.mad thinking about it now, but still. I love him, it is hard. It would take a miracle for me to tale.him back after I took this big step. He couldn’t charm his way back in, a man has to work for my affections now because I give everything I can even if it isn’t a lot. This relationship has humbled me so much, and I am trying to find the silver lining. I am so sad and depressed. Is it silly to think he did love me and he does mean those things, even though I know it doesn’t excuse anything? It’s good I’m leaving, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I wonder when it will start feeling better, and I wonder when one day I can finally be in love and finally have a place to call home. I’ve been though a lot in my life, but I chose to be better and hold myself accountable no matter what my excuses were. He didn’t. Now I am trying to pick.up the mess he made. I’m rambling, but in times like these I just need to talk. I have to remind myself over and over again why I’m doing this. It is crazy, how can we stay with our abusers? How can we leave them? They make sure either way you are miserable. That s probably why they hate being alone, and don’t even know it. My husband knew and acknowledged a lot of his problems, and that will be his saving grace if he lets it. I hope he finds love for himself and for others, and I hope one day he can have a relationship with my daughter. I am still second guessing my decisions, as it is easier to just walk away. I keep reminding myself though, I’m honoring him and the next woman he is with by making him face the consequences and taking back co trol over my own life and safety right now. If he will ever get better and change, it has to be now. Otherwise it could be worse the next woman he is with, and he could do worse things to her and I can’t rake that chance. I don’t want anyone else in this situation, and I also don’t want him to do anything else he will have to live with.
Hi Brittany, you are not rambling. You are finally seeing the relationship for what it is. An abusive one. The blinkers have come off and you now realise you and your daughter deserve better. Well done to you. That is one of the hardest steps to take. Denial is a powerful thing. Staying is enabling him to avoid taking accountability for his actions. It also put you and your daughter at great risk. It is painful when we leave, but as you said, you need to work through that pain and those emotions to heal. Suppressing them, or going back to him to deny them again, will only prolong the pain or defer it to a later date. Get help and support if you need it to stay strong. But keep putting one foot in front of the other, away from this abuse. You and your daughter are worth more than that. Stay strong.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, lived together for 2. We had a fantastic first year and things seemed to spiral out of control when I moved in. At first it was unexpected explosive rages, and before long I was living day to day walking on eggshells. Even leaving my shoes on when I entered the house or not putting salt in the dishwasher would lead to arguments lasting hours, where I would be called names/ stupid/ and accused of “dismissing his feelings” if I attempted to apologise and move the conversation on/ tell him nothing bad had happened.
There were a couple of nasty episodes – he spat in my face once when I was speaking too loudly in an argument, and another time deliberately broke my hair straighteners – again because I “wasn’t listening”. By this point I wasn’t happy, the arguments were several times a week and even weekends stopped being relaxing as we would end up engaged in hours and hours of discussions and fights that never seemed to be resolved. I was always blamed, he’d tell me I caused him to react this way – he had “childhood issues” that he couldn’t help and my behaviour wasn’t supportive enough. He’d threaten to throw me out/ take my keys away/ ban me from using the car/ lock me out of the house/ make me sleep on the floor in the spare room. And I stuck around – partly because it broke my heart to see him going through what he did and partly because he made it so difficult to leave every single time.
Obviously the outbursts became physically aggressive – over a few month period he slapped/ punched/ spat/ kicked/ pulled me down the stairs/ broke possessions and bit me so hard he has left a scar. We then had a particularly horrible argument which stretched over a week whilst I was away, during which time he called me an “ugly c*nt”, told me to “f*ck off and die”, made fun of my body, pretended he’d cheated on me, told me he’d throw my possessions into the street whilst I was away etc etc etc. Again – this was my fault for treating him so badly (telling him I’d had enough).
I returned home filled with a desire to leave, and told him as much. I was greeted by a “changed man” – apparently he has seen the light. His behaviour was only ever because he loved me so much and it drew out emotions he hadn’t ever processed before. He wants to make me happy, he wants to give me a future. He is done with volatility/violence etc and has cried/ begged/ apologised profusely.
And now I feel numb. Towards everything – particularly our relationship. I have caved a little, partly because I haven’t had anywhere to escape to, and the idea of ‘coexisting’ in peace seemed feasable – but now he is angry at me for not giving him anything, i’m “holding him back”, not giving him the environment he needs to succeed. He cannot understand why I’m not happy that he is changing when it is all I have ever wanted.
I don’t know why I am struggling to make the change and just go. I know I need to for him and myself. He can tell the love is gone and it is causing him huge amounts of pain and anguish every day. I do care about him and usually end up agreeing to ‘another week’ after a long emotional chat. I need help to break this cycle.
Hello! I am Danielle and I am a student at a high school in Wisconsin. Although I am not a victim of abuse, I have the privileged of writing a research paper for my English class about why it is so hard to leave abusive relationships. Vivian McGrath, you inspire victims and me. You give hope and help, which mean a lot to many. You are doing great things. I would be honored if I had the privileged to conduct an interview with you for my paper. I have many planned questions that I would ask you. Some of the questions I would ask and would love to receive more information on is:
1.) What are the protocols when dealing with a case like violent relationships?
2.) Can a person leave a domestic relationship?
3.) Why do you think it is so hard for the victim to leave the relationship?
I know it is a lot to ask especially because of course you are busy, but this is worth it and not a waste of time. If you go ahead and would like to do the interview, I can do it anytime that you are available. We can do an email or a Skype interview. Whatever you would feel most comfortable at.
Thank you for your time and have a nice day!
Hi Danielle. Thanks for your interest and I’d be happy to be involved. I’ll email you directly.
I just went through this. Exactly this. I didn’t leave til he tried to kill me. He is now in jail for a very long time and I have moved onto to show my 3 beautiful young daughters that no matter how much you think you love someone…never let them change you or hurt you. I saw every red flag, knew his past, felt sorry for him…he became my project. Someone I thought I could help become a better person…then the drinking started..then the name calling and put downs..he went into a rage one morning and I went straight to the police station. I now have an Advocate that speaks for me in court. I never have to see him again…and I’m myself again. I grew up in a home with both parents alcoholics, very abusive towards each other. I no longer see a victim when I look in the mirror. We are strong and deserve to be happy…reach out if you’re still in it. There’s help out there.
This is so beautiful Whitney, thank you. I’m so glad you are free now, stronger and loving yourself first. You are an inspiration to others, thank you for your comment.
I am 18 and have been going through this with my partner since I met him a year and 6 months ago. It started at the very end of high school and I was seeing a counsellor (which I should have realised was bad enough in such early days), but I was so consumed with the idea of my first love I didn’t care. Last March on my 18th birthday on my cruise he strangled me for the first time and I swore I’d never let him hurt me again. A year later (one week ago) and he does it again, only this time alot worse. I left him after the first time, which resulted in me ditching my old best friends party (who I hadnt seen in months because he didnt want me to) at 3am because I had no idea why it was so weird to be without him. Even when I was in hopsital I felt so anxious being away and to this day I don’t know why. I know what I have to do & I know the right choice but my heart just won’t let me. This is the first article I’ve read where I’ve picked up my pen and note pad and wrote down some of this to help me. I have booked a trip for my birthday in 6 months & not told him, hoping I sort my self out and realise whats best. Then, when I finish work and get home – Im back in love & happy and nothing else matters. I dont know how to get out of this cycle, Im scared & sad and its all because I feel as If I love him too much to leave. My sister begs me to stay home & I cant not even for one night because I feel to anxious away from him. My brain is at war with itself.
Hi Tia, please get help and support to leave this man. If you have already been strangled by him, the odds of him killing you increase to 750%: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-statistics/ You may not be so lucky next time. 2-3 women are killed every week. You feel this way as when we are with abusive people like this we develop what is know as codependency, an unhealthy addiction to the person who is hurting us. You need help and support to understand the dynamics of abusive relationships and how to work on yourself to break this cycle. It feels like love, but it is not. No love is worth dying for. I know how painful and hard this is to break this addiction and cycle. But you must, as you will never find happiness or long-term healthy love here. But, if you break it and work on yourself, like I did, then you can turn your life around. You are only 18. I was 23 when I went through this painful withdrawal you are going through now. I am also proof that with help and support you can do this and go on to find more happiness than you can ever imagine right now. I went on to find love with a kind and strong man, with whom I am still married to now. My life is wonderful. Yours can be too, I promise. Put one foot in front of the other, following your head not your heart. Trust your gut instincts that this relationship is no good for you. Please find help and support here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ Viv x
Well I’m 48 & still in this cycle. Again I love this man whole heartedly.. I ^was presented with an engagement ring & full abuse still present.. Emotional & physicala a day after the ring.. WhichiI wanted more than anything in this world.. There is no sex anymore.. Just him being extermely Moody, talking to himself when he’s in a drunken state..! My alcohol use is up to help numb the pain when we’re together.. Thank God I have an uncle that will take me in to be safe and take care of my li’l dog that is my life..
Tysvm to all who honoured me sharing their stories! I took 2 steps
Today.. 1- admitting this is no good getting beat with all the defensive bruising from kicking, punching, spitting in my face & thrown to the floor.. 2- called a family member to come get me& me to get out.. 3- blocking all his #”s… Now it’s to time to heal. Cause not one beautiful spirited women on here admitted they had a chance @the life they wanted with them.. Tyvm all I hope someone reads this.. Don’t even know if I’m on the right site to post.. Tysvm my guardian angels to share and give me strength to take the first most important steps to my new abuse free life.. Xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo xoxoxo
You are taking the right steps. 1. admitting you are powerless to change them and over their addictions 2. Knowing it is now time to focus on you and your healing and getting support. Well done. That is he hardest first step. Take care of yourself. Put your needs and wellbeing first. Find self love and take one day at a time x
I just found your article, and everything you mentioned was like reading my life. When we me, I was working in the office and he was working in deliveries. He showed me interest almost since day one, and would always have something to say about who i was dating. We used to talk for hours on the phone before we started dating, and i really felt like he got me. He was sweet and caring, but when i look back on the conversations i can hear in his voice that he wasn’t sincere. Hindsight is what it is…
We hung out one time, and were together after that. He moved in with me and my son after two months, because he was always at my house. He started pushing for a marriage after about 4 months, and we were engaged after 5 months. He got angry when i questioned if it was too soon, and i felt so bad i had hurt him that i went with it. He didn’t purpose, he just said we’re engaged, and i bought two rings for us to wear. We set a wedding date, which just happened to be the combined dates of our dads birthdays in the same month, so that just showed how perfect this was, how meant to be it was. Even if, on our second date, when i went outside the bar we were at for a cigarette, and a guy stopped and started talking to me about his daughter, and i listened because I’m an empath and it’s in my nature, he got angry and asked why i dared talk to another guy when he wasn’t around. I cried, he slept, and in the morning It was like nothing had happened. Flash forward 2 years, and we have been married for 5 months. And i finally left. See, the abuse escalated a little all the time, and since the wedding it has been daily. I’m cheating, or flirting, or wearing low cut shirts to show off my “tits”, or too tight pants so i can show my p**sy in. If i showered in the morning It was an instant fight. I’d my shoes had a heal in any way it would be disaster when i got home. It got so bad that i actually had panic attacks driving home from work. I knew all the questions were coming: who i talked to, who i saw, what i talked about, who i walked past. And he would drill and drill and drill until i would go crazy. I would beg him to stop, beg him to leave me alone, and he just wouldn’t. He wouldn’t stop until i got so upset that i would throw things or hit him. And he would say “call the police, I’ll tell them what you did”. So i never did. On anything. Until after i left. I left because of my son. He’s 6, and only has his mom. His dad is an alcoholic who is physically abusive. He is not around and can’t see my son. In steps this new man, that my son adores, and he starts calling him dad. He is now my son’s dad. Thank God it’s not actually on paper. So when we had our last fight, and my husband said to my son “go be with your real dad, and spend the rest of your life in jail with him, like we all know will happen” and i begged him to stop, and he just wouldn’t. He responded with “i don’t need you, i already have kids”, and i gather some things and left. I stayed with an aunt, and he tracked me there two nights, yelling and acting like he always does when he’s angry, i left to my son’s grandmother’s house and have not looked back. I had a lot of help, and i was able to get an apartment, although he won’t let me have any of my things because it’s a civil matter that needs to be determined by the court. Me and my son are getting settled, and with some donations by my friends I’ve been able to replace almost everything.
He does not know where i live, I’ve made sure, however he assumes it because two days ago he called my leasing office pretending to be a delivery guy and needing to verify my unit number. The property manager called, he knows the situation, and cakes to tell me, and sent an email with the phone number that had showed up on caller id. And it was his. And i got scared. He’s escalating, and this suddenly got very very real. So i filed a report on harassment and stalking. Its being investigated. In the meantime he hasn’t contacted me. But i know he’s not done, and I’m scared. Desperate people do desperate things.
Sorry for the rant but this is really fresh. I walked out 2 weeks ago. But i feel happier already. And my son is doing so much better. He struggles with a couple of issues, and the last two weeks he has improved so so much. As have i. But i still hear him every time i get dressed, or when i shower in the morning, or put on makeup. It’s a constant struggle, but his voice will dissapear completely one day, and i can tell it’s started, but allot of work is ahead. I guess what I’m saying is that once you acknowledge that something is amiss, and you question those things with friends, you will find that your friends love you more than he does. And now, everyone i know is aware of my situation, which might sound strange, but i found strength in finally letting people know what i had been going through. Not to make him look bad, but for me to remember that people care, that what i say matters, and my confidence is slowly returning. I found that the more i shared my story, the more painfully real it became that i was a victim of abuse, that i was able to shut down any desire to every go back to him, and i know that i made the right decision. We are safe, and we are happier. If i can do it, so can you. Just reach out. To anyone. It will help.
Thank you so much Ana for posting this message. The hardest step is to realise we are being brainwashed into denial and accepting what is abuse that will only get worse, as you say. Too many lose their lives to violent partners, so it’s important to recognise emotional abuse as abuse, that could one day turn violent. I’m so glad you got out and that you are taking stalking seriously too. The riskiest time is when we leave controlling partners, so having that help and support that you have is key. It will take time and a lot of work for you to recover from this and build up enough sense of self esteem that you don’t go back or repeat the pattern with the next relationship. But you can do it. You’ve taken the hardest step, just keep walking towards the light. Stay strong and thanks again for being here.
I just left 2 days ago. Filed for divorce without telling him. I acted totally normal all day with him went and filed then sent a text and blocked number. I already moved out after our honeymoon 6 months ago after an argument that he pushed me and I got injured enough to go to hospital. He’s been telling me this week he doesn’t think I can ever truly love or understand love because of my abusive childhood, that he thinks I don’t respect any men and never will. That I don’t meet his needs to love and respect. That he doesn’t think he can ever get over what I did to him on honeymoon by moving out and telling his mom and my friends about abuse.. that was very disrespectful he said when actually I started the fight and it was my fault. I did slap him on this fight. The first in 2 years. He pushed me down then I got up to leave and he pushed me again saying he felt “threatened” when I got up from couch to walk to find shoes to run out. Over the 2 years when I tried to leave our bad arguments he would sit in me hold me down by wrists bruising my wrists, spit water in my face, hit me in head, dragged me around house by my coat but he says he is only trying to “calm me down” and doesn’t think it’s heskthy I leave and abandon argument. He has told me at different times I’m a psyopath, pure evil, fucking bitch, not able to live ect. This week I knew I had to go when he was still blaming me totally for honeymoon abuse. This is my 2nd divorce. My first was to a good man and wasn’t painful. This one I feel like my best friend died going no contact for 3rd day. Why so much pain when I was hurt so much? I worry maybe I was the cause like he says and I’m broken and can’t reallu love.. why so much pain.
I am so sorry to hear what you have endured. If you listen to his words it is all about you being to blame for his violence, abuse and actions. He takes no responsibility for any of it. You are not to blame, not did you cause this. It is so painful I know, as we have to withdraw from what is an addiction we have to them and is known as codependency. Please get help and support to process the abuse you have experienced, the brainwashing if you like and to focus on your own healing and recovery. It will be painful, but it is better in the long run to do this than stay numbed and believing you are to blame. Maintain no contact, as the more you are exposed to their manipulation, the harder it will be to recover and find freedom.
I had a very unique reaction to this article, relief. I’m so sorry that you went through this, as I am going through the same. My relief came in the knowledge that the regret and pain I feel for leaving my abuser is normal.
It’s mildy shameful to say, but I am a man who was paralyzed by emotional abuse from my wife. Things only got physical once; but when she saw that didn’t phase me, she turned to verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. It’s now been a week since I left and luckily I have reconnected with my family and some friends. My support system keeps me strong and I won’t be going back. But, that doesn’t change how I feel. I hurt so much, I feel like I just gave up (even though I know that’s not true). She sends me messages, to which I don’t respond, saying how sorry she is and that she is seeking help, simultaneously begging me to come back. It’s hard to ignore those messages, but I know responding will only fuel her fire and make things worse.
At any rate, I really just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. Thank you for reassuring me that these feelings I have are normal and not evidence that I made a mistake.
That’s a good description Andrew: adding fuel to the fire. That is what they want – oxygen. Best to keep that no contact to cut that supply of fuel. I liken it too to watering a plant. If you don’t, it does whither away. It feels hard to do this, takes time. But it works. Keep those family and friends around you and stay strong!
This hits home with me right now , and I so needed to read this . I’ve decided to leave a 20 year relationship with my verbally abusive boyfriend . He has learned in the process of all this that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. He’s still living in my house , which I’ve sold and moving to another state . He hasn’t found a place to live yet , because he can’t make up his mind . In the past 3 months this is the longest he’s gone without being verbally abused by him. I have in my mind he won’t change , so no matter what he does or doesn’t do , I won’t change my mind . We’ve been down this road a million times breaking up , getting back together . I feel so sorry for him because all he does is cry . I don’t understand why I feel so bad . My friends and family are so quick to say , don’t believe it , he won’t chsnge , you’ll be fine , he’ll be fine , move on , why are you crying after what he’s put you through ? The one thing I keep focusing on are my two adult daughters have told me when they have children , they do not want them around him . They don’t want their children to experience him putting me down , outbursts, and fighting . That seemed to make me realize how messed up all this is . I started counseling and learned that I wasn’t crazy . Moving forward I know the pain and guilt that will be coming my way. This time I’m choosing to feel the pain and the grief . I’m not going to call him or see him once we’ve parted . I have a huge support of family and friends . I will get through this once and for all .
Well done for finding the strength and courage to leave Michelle. It is so hard when they double down in their efforts to suck you back in and make you feel guilty. Stay strong in your knowledge that you left for good reasons and you and your children deserve better. Feel the feelings and process them, as although they hurt it is a necessary part of the healing process. It won’t last, there is light at the other side of the tunnel. It’s great you have support as you can’t do this alone and your friends and family will validate you and remind you you are lovable. You will be okay, just take one day at a time and focus on you, not him or what he says. Just you.
Everything you wrote is so true for me too. I have been in an emotionally & verbally abusive relationship that turned physical too for almost 15 years. We have young children.
He also was living a double life of cheating on the side which I discovered when he went to jail for threatening to kill me. He continued to cheat once he made his bail and has blamed me for everything. He even said I made up the charges myself and the injuries were self inflicted. He is bent on revenge because I won’t drop the charges.
He’s moved in with his mistress (he’s her boss), gave her a substantial raise and she has divorced her husband to be with him. She claims he is a perfect saint. He blew over 60K on gifts for her and wooing her. Anything her heart desires, she gets. It hurts so bad because he used to scream at me if i wanted a five dollar trinket at a dollar store!
She left 3 children behind with her ex (who she claimed was abusive) but takes one of them to see my husband “Jack” who is likely the father of this young baby. I filed for divorce so he blames me for that too. He said no wonder he wanted “out” to find someone better that he deserved. He told me I made him hate me.
He has called me every hurtful, vile name in the book. My heart remembers the “good times” when he was not cheating or when he claimed to love me and showered me with attention like he is doing his mistress (soon to be wife). I too wanted to “help” him emotionally and he blamed his rages on mental illness.
I walked on eggshells constantly. But I blamed myself at the end because I gave him an ultimatum “me or her- choose one of us” and he chose her. He told me I forced him into it. He has never looked back. Not once.
He claims he does not miss me nor does he love me. He showers attention on our children now at visit times and will do anything for them while he withholds money from me. Lawyers are involved on both sides.
All our savings and money and future is gone. All for himself and his selfish wants and desires: secret hotels, trips, gifts for her and for the baby…he put it all on my credit because he controlled all the finances and I was not allowed to spend money without asking for permission.
I don’t want him back. But I long for an apology or at least him facing some sort of consequence. Right now, he’s been given a huge raise and has the title of CEO of his firm. He’s living it large and loving it. He says he has never felt more in love and free. He says it is now obvious all our problems were me as he is so happy now and at peace.
I am here, raising the kids as a single mom while he’s happy and free?! He got what he wanted but yet he still stalks me and sends angry texts now and again.
It hurts to know he is not remorseful, has no guilt and he said he is a born- again Christian too. We were supposed to be both Christians. I am learning through my counselor that actions speak louder than words.
How do I get over him? I’ve tried reading, counseling that I do weekly, I’m avoiding all texts and he told the judge he never wants to speak to me again- he said he secretly recorded our phone conversations of me crying (after I found them at the hotel they were at) and he got all the dirt he wanted to show that I am not emotionally stable.
He has lied to everyone at his work and all of his friends and buddies on his ball team and at church. I had to go to a different church because they all supported him when he told them I made it all up and he’s such a great guy!
He’s a narcissist for sure and has zero remorse. He claims he is very happy with his new woman who he plans to marry and he told me he’s taking our children away from me too and she will be their new mother. He’s deep into his life with this new woman and his sin. He told me too she is his soul mate.
I just don’t know where to turn or how to move on from such horrible hurt. I’ve prayed- I’ve seen professionals- I have gotten to the bottom of why I chose him (based on my childhood) and yet, I still hurt and it stings when he will brag to the children about his dates with his gf. He is planning on taking her to Europe should he not get convicted of his charges- the very trip we had planned just before he got arrested!
How is it that I only I see the true him? How can this continue without him becoming the horrible person I know him to be? He has no consequences for his actions and is he truly happy? I could never know. I just know I miss being a family. I miss our trips to the ocean for ice cream and to museums.
Any advice? How long does it take to move on? It’s been 6 months and I still find myself sobbing. Thanks, Carla
I feel your pain Carla and the injustice of this. The hardest part can be that there is no remorse, no closure, no recognition of all you have suffered and worse, the smear campaign that makes out that he is the victim. I know it looks like he has moved on to happiness, but he has taken him with him. Nothing has changed. He is in the love-bombing phase with this woman and this won’t last. The pattern will repeat. Unless he accepts responsibility and accountability for his actions and does a serious amount of work to change, he will never do so. The fact that this woman left an abusive relationship to go to him confirms this for me too, as unless we break the codependency within ourselves, we do tend to repeat the pattern of dysfunctional relationships as well. He may be putting her on a pedestal now, but she’ll never be able to live up to this and one day she may suffer what you did. The saddest part of that is the children who will be affected by it all. The most important thing to do and the only way out of the pain is to take your focus totally off him and put it onto you. Whilst your happiness depends on him and his behaviour you will never find it. You need to find this happiness within. The only way to do this is to build your self-esteem, sense of self-worth and to accept and believe you are enough. Then you will know you’ve dodged a bullet and are way better without him. You deserve so much more than this. It is tough, I know, as I have walked this path myself. It took me years of hard work on myself – going to a support group, reading every self-help book I could find. I only started to heal when I totally focused on me and my own healing and took my attention away from him. You might also find these posts helpful: Recovery from abusive relationships – how long does it take: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/recovery-from-abusive-relationships/ and this one: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/is-it-likely-your-violent-ex-will-abuse-his-new-girlfriend-too/ Stay strong and keep going. It feels like a dark tunnel now, but you are walking towards the light.
This made me cry. the first sentence I read it all just hit me and realised this pain I’m feeling Im not alone. This is my partner and he physically and emotionally abuses me some nights he will loose his temper when
I say I don’t want to be with him no more I’m in bed and he jump on e and try to suffocate me he will pull knifes out on me and throw me to the floor and Chuck things resulting in bruises on my face me body, I scream at him in tears asking him why he does it. This has been going on for years.and yes I’m the one to blame getting back with him. I sit and cry everyday and has got to the point where I don’t enjoy life and I’m so alone inside I sleep most of the time and I dont see friends or family as he will moan and always results in fighting were I stick up for my self. I need to leave . I get strong and kick him out my flat but he will just Break in. I’ve rung the police before but I always stick up for him . I know I know I’m the one to blame. My self esteem is so low I’m just silent 24.7 where I use to be a bubbly outgoing girl. He puts me down about everything but I feel I give him Everything but I feel it’s ever good enough because he is never happy for more than 10 minutes and now he is turning me into a horrible snappy miserable person lie him I guess. I need to get a way but I’m stuck I can’t move. Will counseling help me. I need to do something as I feel like it’s the end of the road 🙁
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Yes, it will help you and I would urge you to seek help and support as it is difficult to do this alone. Especially when there is so much control and your self-esteem is low. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book I can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course called START WITH ME: Victim to Survivor. You can find out more about this here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/victim-to-survivor
I hope this helps.
I was glad to see this post. I am exactly in that place where I am accepting responsibility for letting someone abusive into my life. I started telling myself every day that I am “lovable,” and that simple act made such a difference in my life. I started focusing on me more and more even when the abusive girlfriend I was with at the time insisted that I focus on her instead. The more I said I am lovable, the more I started to change into someone who was immune to that need to take crap off of someone that is intent upon keeping me down. I have some work to do still because it hasn’t been that long since the abusive relationship ended. I am going through the guilt of walking away and shutting the other person out completely, but I don’t doubt for one second that I have done the right thing by rescuing myself out of that awful relationship. I am also working through the past with my mother where a lot of the issues in my personality seem to have started. We are talking so much more now, and it’s all positive because, you are right, it isn’t about blaming or being angry at parents. It’s about accepting the past and finding the best way to move on a grow anyway.
Anyway, thanks for this post. It was very reaffirming and encouraging!
Wow. You should be so proud of yourself. You are doing exactly the right thing. Keep walking forward and don’t look back. Your life will change and be amazing.
I am crying so much reading this because it resonates in my in a way I wish it wouldn’t.
I met my boyfriend (or friend, our relationship has evolved in such a way that I can’t even tell anymore, but no matter what it is, the toxicity of it is undeniable) five years ago. I saw all the signs, I knew it was not a good idea, I knew he was troubled and had extreme mood swings and honestly I saw it coming. Even before we dated our relationship was not healthy. I just thought I was strong and could handle him, I could help him.
Exactly like you wrote, I became addicted to helping him. Trying to fix his life. He has been relying on me for everything, begging for my help, blaming me when things didn’t work out, and I somehow became ‘responsible’ for his whole future and life.
I couldn’t let go. I was so ashamed to be in that situation. I couldn’t tell anyone. At the beginning I opened up to my friends when he yelled atrocities at me in a fit of anger. Of course they recommended we break up. But I couldn’t, and so I felt ashamed to still be with him despite everything he said to me. I hid our relationship. I said we broke up when we didn’t. I didn’t tell anyone he lived with me. How could I? They knew he was toxic, what kind of image was I sending to people if I stayed with a guy like that… I didn’t want to appear weak, miserable or pitiful.
A few days ago, he had to leave and go back to his country. I lied to make it happen. I said things to make it look like him having to leave was out of my control. I couldn’t make myself tell him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. Having him at my place had forced me to delay plans for so long people started to wonder what I was doing. The answer was shameful: nothing. I was solely focused on him. 100%. There was no space for anything else or for me at all. I suffered a really bad burnout and depression last year which made me start counselling. I already knew I was in an abusive relationship. I knew it was bad and I was lost, but I couldn’t leave. Counselling only helped getting a safe place to talk about it, but I was stuck.
It took me months to finally find the strength and tell him a lie to justify the need for him to leave. It was so hard I thought I would faint. And when I took him to the airport, I was still making promises to help him and meet up again soon. I am amazed that I didn’t stop in the middle and beg him to stay.
He is gone. But I miss him as if I’m going to die. I don’t even love him. I miss his presence that became an habit. I miss having someone around. Every time he was angry I wished he would leave but as soon as it was over I just forgot about it as if nothing happened. I built up defence mechanisms for myself to cope with his anger so I suppose it just became tolerable. More tolerable than the pain of having him gone and not knowing how I would feel about it.
I think more than leaving him, the thing I fear the most is facing my feelings. It is terrifying. When he is around, there is a routine. He is happy and I only focus on that. He is angry and I get into coping mode until he calms down.
I think he knows that we may not meet again. We are still talking on the phone everyday. He tells me to let go, but I know he doesn’t mean it. He says so because he knows that triggers my rescuing addiction and makes me beg him to let me help. I know it and I still beg. It happened so many times. If I don’t bend, he will start to talk about suicide and other terrifying things. How do I get out of this? How do I stop wanting to rescue him? How do I stop feeling guilty for failing to fix his life?
The best but most difficult thing to do now is to cut all contact. As with any addiction, you will not heal whilst he is in your life in any way. You have answered your own question in a way. It is the fear of facing the pain of our own feelings that keeps us going back to focus on them. The only way to heal is to be still within ourselves, alone. To feel and face those feelings, even if painful and with support if necessary. You won’t find happiness if you are looking to someone else to make you feel good about yourself. You need to try to fill that emptiness inside with an abundant well of self-love. You can’t fix or rescue him and you haven’t failed because you couldn’t. But you can save yourself. Be proud of the steps you took to separate from him, as this was the hardest one. Now try to cut all contact from the drug that is only hurting you and not allowing you to heal.
I am a 21 year old girl from Scotland.
I met my abuser when I was 15, he was my best friend. We started dating when I turned 16. It was bad from the start. I moved into his family home a few weeks after being together. His family were different from mine, they were laid back and we were allowed to do ‘anything’. Not like my parents who had rules and were strict.
My ex boyfriend started by ignoring me, or pretending I didn’t exist (even though we lived together in the same room) It progressed to name calling, threatening me and my family, belittling me in front of his friends, locking me in an empty room for hours on end, making up lies about me, twisting everything he could blaming me for his behaviour. I had never experienced anything like this in my life, I didn’t know what was happening or why it was happening and I felt lost, frightened and trapped.
He controlled me, he chose what I wore, who I spoke to and what jobs I had.
His father was abusive to his step mother- I picked this up from living with them. One day, myself and his father were home alone and he tried to sexually abuse me. I left the house immediately.
Me and my ex boyfriend went into homeless accommodation, where we moved around various hostels and shelters for a year before receiving a permanent flat together. The abuse got worse when we were living alone together. We spent 24 hours a day together. We were extremely poor and life was very difficult.
In our permanent flat, the abuse continued day and night, I phoned the police many times because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want my ex partner to be arrested because then I would be alone and frightened. I told the police everything was my fault and eventually they got fed up with my ‘time wasting’.
Deep inside I was longing to scream out what is really happening to me, but I never.
After a few years of living in hell, I decided to pack my stuff and leave and move back to my parents house and rebuild a relationship with them. I got a full time job and passed my driving test. But I didn’t have any friends, I felt lonely, this led to me going back to my ex boyfriend several times.
I left my family again and went into homeless shelters with my ex (last year) we were staying in a scatter flat, I got a job which only lasted a few months. My ex didn’t like my job or the people I worked with.
He disposed of nearly all my belongings, big or small, expensive or not, he destroyed everything. He stole all my money, smashed up my car and left me on my own a week before Christmas. I spent last Christmas and New year on my own in the flat, every morning I went for a bath, I didn’t want to get out the bath, I wanted to drown. How could he leave me after everything I done for him? How could he treat me with no respect and abuse me daily for years? How can he live with himself?
A few months ago, I got my own permanent flat, but its only a few streets away from where we used to live together. I got a new job a few days ago and get my first this week, which is exciting.
After 5/6 years of daily heart ache, abuse and mental pain, I am left feeling invisible, alone, empty and frightened etc. I suffer anxiety attacks and constantly worry I am not good enough for anyone or anything.
I have been a strong young woman for quite some time now and I hope one day I can be free of all my pain and suffering. I hope one day I can love again. I know its going to take a long time, I will never be able to forget.
You’ve been through a lot but found incredible strength and courage to start over, so feel proud of yourself. Please keep zero contact with him or he will hoover you back and abuse you all over again. Try to stay strong and if you need help and support you can find resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I can’t believe how much I could relate to your article. I’m currently going through the withdraw from my partner. Blocking then unblocking their number. Wondering what they’re doing, missing the texting, talking for hours and the laughter we shared, etc. We met a year ago and hit it off instantly. I ask her where has she been all my life I’ll been in search for someone like her all my life. It started out great! Then she got drunk one night and started saying very nasty stuff to me! I was so confused wondering where did this come from! After that I had told her there are 2 things I would not tolerate…one – would be cheating on me and the other would be drinking excessively (been there did that and said I would never tolerate it again in a relationship) She use the exact words you mentioned “I’m sorry and it will never happen again” it happened again, and again then “will you help me” I replied you need to help yourself you need to go to AA. Ignoring all the red flags she moved in. 1st month was great then the drinking started once again. After arguing one night I went to sleep she continued to drink. At one point while I was sleeping she came in and just hauled off and punched me in my side. This abuse went on for two days. As sick as it sounds I put up with the abuse didn’t want to call the police because she’ll get in trouble. Finally at the end of the second day I did call 911 but did not press charges just kicked her out of the house. Since that night I have not seen her, but have been back and forth texting. She’s telling me it wasn’t only her fault that I too had blame in the relationship ending. So here we are a couple of weeks and still feel like I’m trying to get her to understand what I’m going through and how I’m feeling after being punched by someone that told you time and time again how much they love you and wanting to spend the rest of our life’s togethe! I feel like I’m the sick one, wanting to talk and text her block and unblock her! Thank you for your article! After reading the article I did block her also going to Al-Anon meetings!
I went to Al-anon for years and the support there was life-changing. They taught me to focus on me, not them. To let go of what I couldn’t control and only change the things I can – which was me. You have done the right thing by not taking responsibility or blame for her behavior and getting yourself to Al-anon. You should feel proud of yourself.
Hi Vivian,
I am currently in this situation. 23 year old woman, stuck in a cycle of abuse.
We have been together for over 1.5 years now, currently in a long distance relationship.
Since the beginning, I figured that our relationship would be unstable. I saw every red flag, but chose to disregard it.
I ignored how he’s accuse me constantly of cheating and sexting other men (“all your male friends just want to get into your pants and looks like you’ll be okay with that”); how he’d get upset if I stayed out with my friend till late or made plans without informing him first, in fact, he’d constantly text, call and emotionally manipulate me into coming home to him asap; he’d lock me in his house with him at times, when he wanted me around, just LOCK me up.
Now, that we are long distance, he can no longer do that. But, he emotionally abuses me all the time. He gaslights me, puts me down, calls me crazy or dramatic whenever I share anything that bothers me about us, constantly grills me about my whereabouts, flips out when I don’t reply for “far too long”/pressurises me into video calls late at night and demands I show him my room, etc. I love him, but I am miserable.
At first, I used to pin it down to his traumatic childhood and his trouble with attachments, but now, I see him for who he truly is: a person incapable of loving, supporting and respecting me. A person whose definition of love is complete control.
I want to get out, but I feel stuck. Sometimes, I do gather the courage and I have broken up with him 5 to 7 times already, but either he begs, cries and promises to change OR threatens to kill/hurt himself if I dared to leave him. The fact that currently he is going through a very difficult phase in life (lost someone close to him, family issues), makes it very hard for me to follow through with my plan if breaking up with him.
But it is now or never. I know and I have accepted that I need to leave, for my own sake and for my own sanity. I just don’t know how and I am so sad, frustrated and scared.
Sere,
You sound exactly like me in my situation. Let me predict your future for you through my own current reality. In person he becomes disrespectful, moody, egotistic, rude if he doesn’t get what he wants. There are seldom any apologies. And there is always deflection when he is called out on his disrespect. Apparently I am always on my period, hypersensitive, and went from becoming a “woman amongst men” to “a typical broad”. And I am crazy and mentally ill. Of course I am experiencing debilitating anxiety everyday, which gives him more ammunition. Trying to have a discussion with him, esp where it involves his wrongdoing, is like being in the boxing ring with Muhammad Ali. He will deflect, distort, manipulate, go from one to ten in 30 seconds, and then tell you “YOU’RE DOING IT”. Boundaries are constantly pushed, I would even be too afraid to be on the phone, go to sleep, or leave the house because he would act like a condescending meanie. I was constantly afraid of his reaction. At some point he started to get pissy with me because the coffee I LOVINGLY served three times a day alongside food, wasn’t ready on time. I married the ape and so was called a “bad wife”. God forbid if I used bad language in return and lost my temper, he would lunge at me making out as if he will hit me, but not really do it. He would even try to glare at me to condition me with his eyes. Once I refused to washed the dishes because of his entitlement and disrespect, and so he glared and said “you’re going to do it”, and when I stood up for myself quivering, he laughed and said, “what if I pull yu by the hair and make you do it?”. There is a constant breakage of boundaries. We married agreeing he wouldn’t drink, he went back on that. I have cried myself to sleep on the couch alone without him even bothering to check on me. In fact he even yells at me when I cry. On the phone he used to tell me “what kind of a guy do you think I am?! Of course I’d take the couch!”. He is very affectionate, we share the arts in common, BUT I have come to realise that, if the person’s ego is out of control, that little they do with their heart is not worth it. I mean how desperate are you my dear? I know I was very desperate. And even padlocked his name on the Notre Dam bridge. I spent ten years trying to be patient, trying to rescue, trying to figure him out, my path let me to this blog, and also a book called Why does he do that? By Lundy Bandcroft, in which I see him. I want to pretend it isn’t true. I lost my virginity to him. But it’s true. I spent ten years doing this shit. He recently said, “I would like to be in control and have the final say”. I told him over my dead body. He laughed and said “I will break your spirit”. Let’s just say we had an argument thereafter which spiralled out of control and I ended up breaking a vase over his head. He could have had a concussion. Am I the abuser? I now sit here asking myself if I am the abuser, if I am the narc, if I have borderline personality. He doesn’t question himself at all. This man has robbed me but also gifted me. That’s a lot of suffering, and a lot of learning. I am going to leave. Still afraid, still miss his face, still feel like I am making a mistake, still feel like “what if he changes”. Please don’t be an unpaid martyr for someone else, its not worth it.
I cannot express how much exact this is for me. I’ve been with my boy for 3 years , I’ve gone through everything with him including a year of sobriety from alcohol because he is an alcoholic he has been in credibly abusive the entire relationship with weeks at a time of greatness ball by I’m turning into a monster like a flipped switch his brain. Even tho I’d do nothing wrong. He would blame me and start calling me a whore and a cunt for people that I dated before I even knew him. I thought getting pregnant would change everything because that’s what we both so desperately wanted. I 13 weeks pregnant and so happy and excited, he was also , when he wasn’t having an episode. Last Thursday he told me he hoped the baby died and I pushed him so he threw me to the floor. The next day , I stared bleeding and lost the baby. As I was laying in bed crying in extreme pain , both emotionally and physically. He was annoyed by it and went to the couch. Zero sympathy. I got up and was about to drive myself to the ER but he got up yelling at me and drove me , continuously yelling at me the whole way there as I’m crying my eyes out knowing I’m losing my child. When we got to the hospital he was great he was amazing for the 12 hours it took to do everything in to go through surgery. We got home and he tired cold . Yesterday he said it’s a blessing the baby died and he wants out , he’s done. Calling me every name you could imagine and I’m crying on the floor begging him to give us a chance…. I’m pathetically obsessed with him and he treats me like complete shit . He’s begging me to leave and I’m
Begging to stay
I am so sorry and sad that you lost your baby. You did not deserve this and needed someone to care for you at that vulnerable moment. Please get urgent help and support to get away from this man. The is coercive control and you are being groomed. The abuse will get worse and you have already lost your baby to him. The longer you are with him and manipulated by him the harder it will be to leave. You neep help and support as this is hard to do alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency.
Here’s my Best self help books guide 2018:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and fear the future. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here:
Start with ME: Victim to Survivor:https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/victim-to-survivor/
My sister is in abusive relationship. She has a 2 year old child with this “man”. He was recently arrested for domestic violence against her and is awaiting his trail on those charges. She is doing everything she can to get the restraining order lifted so he can come home. She keeps saying she doesn’t want to take her child away from their dad and is calling nonstop to have the protective for the child removed as well. From the outside it looks like she is using her child to keep this man in her life, because she is unwilling to let him go. I just do not understand how she can allow this man to come back to the house knowing what she knows. She is creating some fantasy that the courts will mandate counseling for him, and he is going to change. I suggested she not allow him back and let him do the counseling and then see if he has changed but her only response was, I can’t wait that long, he could find someone else by then. She is putting her child in danger, and it makes so angry. All she does is talk about this man. He has cheated on her multiple times, and she tracks his every movement. When he turns off his location to spite her, it sends her into a spiral and they end up fighting and he gets violent. It is a never-ending cycle. I am at the point I don’t even want to talk to her anymore. It’s like she wants this life for herself and her child because she is trapped in this toxic cycle.