Imposter Complex
Have you ever felt like a fraud at work?
You know that feeling:
When are they going to find me out
Yep, that was me!
You’re successful and achieving great things in your career.
But you have that secret feeling you’re going to get found out.
Have you ever ever experienced Imposter Syndrome?
It’s really common.
I was speaking the other day to one of my good friends, whom I’ve known for years.
She’s beautiful, talented, smart, funny and successful.
She speaks about a gazillion languages and is an amazing mother and wife.
She’s the whole package.
Yet, she confessed to me that she’s often felt Imposter Complex and said I should do a video on this.
I thought:
Wow! You too?
If you look at my CV I’ve had great success in three different careers.
And if you count what I am doing now with this Blog and my Youtube channel I guess that makes four.
Through the first three of those I honestly thought:
When are people going to work out I don’t know what I am doing?
And I do actually also remember the day when I came home years later and said to my husband.
Yes!!!!
And he said.
What’s wrong?
And I said:
I finally know what I’m doing!
So, if you’re feeling Imposter complex, then you’re not alone.
We all suffer from it.
If you don’t you’re probably lying or you’re a narcissist!
I’m joking.
But, it is so common.
Imposter Syndrome
Imposter Syndrome stems from a deep level of insecurity.
And, dare I say it, hidden shame.
Shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown did an amazing TED Talk.
In it, she says that we look at other people who show their weaknesses and vulnerability as being courageous.
But when you reveal a vulnerability in yourself you feel it’s shameful.
With Imposter Complex you have this shame inside that you’re not quite good enough.
You don’t measure up to others.
You might not even know that you feel that way but it is it does stem from a deep, unconscious sense of insecurity.
I was actually a high achiever.
I equated success with validation and approval because my self-esteem was low.
In fact, I was a classic overachiever.
But nothing I achieved ever felt good enough.
Do you ever feel that way?
Why am I never good enough?
I was desperately driven by ambition but the ambition was falsely placed.
It was an ambition to be successful because it validated me.
My self-worth depended on external factors like career success.
I didn’t have it deep within me, a sense of self-worth self-confidence and self-esteem.
My ambition actually was greater and faster than my ability to catch up and learn the skills.
In a way, I sort of had a valid reason to feel like I was going to get found out.
I kept jumping off these career cliffs.
The learning curves were vertical and I was terrified everyone was going to know that I didn’t know what I was doing.
I think there’s another complication to it.
I know this from my own experience.
What you are really good at comes easily to you.
So, you think everyone can do it.
You don’t realize that actually it’s something you’re exceptionally skilled at.
In fact, other people find what comes so naturally to you, difficult.
You don’t see that actually you may be incredibly talented and capable in this certain thing that comes so easily to you.
Feeling like a fraud
Then you look at other people and see their exceptional talents and skills and you put them on a pedestal I think:
I don’t measure up to that!
That’s mistake Number One: comparing yourself to others.
You have no idea of the struggles they’ve been through and, although they might appear that they’ve got it all, they may have found it difficult.
They may have had to put in double the hours to get to the same position as you did.
They may be looking at you and thinking the same – they don’t measure up to you.
You may not realize how talented and capable you are.
You can see it in everyone else, but not yourself.
So, how do you let go of this anxiety and feeling inadequate at work?
The first thing is to recognize it is unfounded anxiety.
There’s probably no reason for it.
Acknowledge, firstly, that it exists.
Stop hiding it.
Talk about it.
The more you openly express your feelings, as my friend did to me, the more you realize others feel the same way.
The next thing I would suggest is to understand that this is rooted in feelings, not fact.
I bet you are very talented, capable and measure up to your colleagues at work.
You didn’t get that job by chance or fluke.
And you haven’t been fired yet, so you probably are pretty good at what you do.
Remember, these are feelings and emotions, but it doesn’t mean they’re true.
How to stop feeling afraid
Talk about it to others.
Realize that everyone feels that way.
That will minimize the fact you feel alone, that everyone is more capable than you and you’re going to get found out.
Understand Imposter Complex is based on a false sense of insecurity.
We have these internal scripts that drive our lives and they come from experiences in childhood that then we associate with certain emotions.
For some reason, you may have a script in your head that tells you you don’t feel good enough.
You don’t measure up.
You don’t belong.
And that’s something that’s really common.
A Dove Self-Esteem study found that seven in 10 young girls today don’t feel good enough.
Many men don’t feel good enough.
It’s a common feeling.
But it’s a limiting belief.
You need to say to yourself I am good enough.
I got this job.
I am talented. I do have skills.
I do have purpose and value.
And if you are trying to counteract that insecurity by taking on too much, being a perfectionist and showing your boss you’re Teflon and can do anything he or she throws your way, whilst running yourself into the ground – tell yourself, it’s okay to not be perfect.
It’s okay to not know everything.
That doesn’t mean you’re a failure.
It’s okay to tell your boss:
I don’t know that, but I look into it and work it out
That’s okay.
There’s nothing wrong with saying you don’t know everything.
I used to get so tired.
Oh man, I used to get so exhausted trying to people please and prove that I was not the fraud I thought I was.
The day I learned to say no was one of the most liberating days of my life.
I learned to say:
I’m sorry. I’d love to do that but I just don’t have enough hours at the moment.
You don’t have to be strong all the time.
If you don’t know at all, I’m sure you’re smart enough to work out how to find out how.
So, you don’t have to pretend you are this Superwoman or Superman.
They won’t look at you as a failure.
The great thing about failure anyway is you get to redo things over again more intelligently.
You get to ask:
How can I do that better next time?
It’s over to reveal vulnerability at work and to learn from the mistakes and move on and get better next time.
Feeling inadequate at work
If you feel Imposter Syndrome – feeling inadequate at work – remember, you’re not alone.
You’ll probably find half your office feels that way.
It comes from a limiting sense that you’re unworthy, that you’re not good enough and don’t measure up.
Tell yourself this isn’t true.
It’s okay to not be perfect.
You don’t have to be strong all the time.
Don’t work yourself into the ground to seek validity from your boss.
Just do the best you can.
And recognize what comes easy to you is an incredible strength.
Don’t be humble about it.
Don’t deny this to yourself.
You have something that you’re really great at that you might not even be aware of as it comes naturally to you.
It will be the thing that all your friends go on and on about.
You are talented and capable.
You do belong.
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