How to Stop People-Pleasing: 5 Signs You’re a People Pleaser

How to stop people pleasing. I was desperate to overcome my people pleasing.

Are you a people pleaser? Exhausting isn’t it?

People pleasing

When I was young all I wanted was to fit in. I had this hole inside that made me feel like I didn’t belong.

I was an excellent shape-shifter, morphing into whomever I thought others wanted me to be.

Depending on who I was with I’d start acting more like them.

Mirroring their opinions on things, never daring to give mine, especially when they differed from theirs.

I’d do things, even those I didn’t want to if I knew I’d gain acceptance and approval from them.

It made me popular and that felt good.

I craved validation.

I was great at bending myself into Pretzel knots. Becoming whomever, saying whatever, depending on the circumstance.

I was superb at offering my advice and support to others, helping them with their problems.

The danger of people pleasing

But, I was lousy at saying no, setting any boundaries (boundaries? I didn’t even know I had any!) or standing up for myself.

There were times when I ignored my own needs in favour of others and was taken advantage of.

I know now that my people-pleasing was rooted in insecurity and a lack of self-worth.

I needed others’ approval to feel good about myself. That I belonged.

If you ask anyone who knew me back then how they would have described me insecure would not have entered their minds.

They always thought I was the strong one. I did too.

That’s how good a chameleon I was. I even hid from myself.

But it was exhausting. Half the time I wouldn’t remember what I’d said to whom.

I veered so far away from myself I got lost along the way. After years of this I didn’t recognise myself anymore.

I was so tired of being a Martyr, always saying yes instead of no.

I was hurt by people who pushed my boundaries down – most of all by my abusive ex who almost killed me.

I was a people pleaser to the extreme.

Then one day I thought:

I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t even know who I am.

I overcame my people pleasing. Thank goodness!

The good news is you can do this too and it’s not as hard as you think. I’ll tell you how a little later.

But first:

5 signs you’re a people pleaser

How do you know you’re a People Pleaser?

1. You morph into being like others

Are you a shape-shifter like I was? Do you morph your behavior into being more like others, depending on whom you’re with?

Do you adapt your opinions and behavior depending on the circumstances?

Do you pretend to have the same opinions as others even when you don’t necessarily agree with them?

This is one of the classic signs.

2. You feel the need to be needed

You feel responsible for how other people feel.

You take on their problems and help try to rescue or fix them.

Boy did I do that in a big way with my abusive ex. I even went back to him after he almost killed me. I thought:

He needs me

In a perverse way him needing me made me feel secure.

If he needs me more than I need him, he’ll never leave me.

A people pleaser’s (and my) happiness, confidence and security depended on the approval and validation of other people.

Which left me at the mercy of other’s moods and behavior.

I also felt I had the power to change him and make him happy.

Just by changing my behavior.

That’s where I went wrong.

3. You find it hard to say no 

One of the most liberating words I ever learned was to say no.

It was also one of the hardest.

My desire to make others happy, as my own happiness depended on it meant no was not in my vocabulary.

I’d say yes to things I didn’t want to go to.

I’d fear letting others down.

I’d agree to do things I wasn’t happy about.

I couldn’t put my needs first and say no. Even when I deserved better.

It’s exhausting saying yes all the time.

But being a martyr can also lead to resentment down the track.

You feel burdened by all the things you have to do for others, even though you volunteered for them in the first place.

“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.”  

– Paulo Coehlo

4. You’re afraid of confrontation or conflict

Part of the reason you are unable to say no is you fear what others’ will think of you if you show up for yourself.

Have you ever been in a meeting at work and someone talked all over you, took credit for your idea, or disrespected you?

Did you calmly say this behavior was unacceptable to you and explain your reasons why?

Or do what I used to do, say nothing but later seethe with frustration and anger inside?

People pleasers will go to great lengths to avoid conflict or confrontation.

You feel uncomfortable if someone else is angry with you, so you’ll do anything to keep the peace.

Even if it’s at your own expense.

You say:

I’m sorry

A lot.

5. You suppress your feelings

If you’re a people pleaser you’ll find it hard to admit when your feelings are hurt.

You’ll suppress most of your emotions anyway, as you’ll put the needs of others first.

You feel responsible for how others feel. At times you blame yourself when they treat you disrespectfully.

It must be something I’ve done

If you have any boundaries, you let others push them down.

You’re too afraid to stand up for yourself and tell them how that makes you feel.

In the end you become numbed.

You don’t know how to feel anymore.

That’s how I felt when I hit rock-bottom.

Overcoming people pleasing

I’m not a people pleaser anymore.

Thank goodness for that! Life is so much easier now.

The most important thing to understand is that people pleasing is a symptom of a much deeper issue.

Self-love

It’s all to do with your sense of self-worth, self-confidence and self-esteem.

When there’s a well of emptiness inside we try to fill it through external means.

The approval of others or validation from what we achieve or do.

But that’s a bucket that can never be filled.

And you’ll work yourself into the ground trying to do so

1. Find happiness within

Build your sense of self-worth. Love yourself first.

You need love yourself enough not to have your happiness and worth depend on others.

2. Respond not react

Give yourself time before you react.

Before you say yes, say you need time to think about it.

Take a few breaths and choose how you respond, not react.

Base that response of whether or not its right for you, good for you and your wellbeing.

Always base your decision on what you core values and beliefs are.

3. Learn to say no and set strong boundaries

Often we fear saying no as we equate it with confrontation. But it doesn’t have to be.

You can do so with assertiveness and empathy.

It is possible to set strong boundaries and say no, when someone crosses a red line.

First you need to know what your boundaries are and what are your deal breakers – the time you need to stand up for yourself or walk away if they refuse to respect them.

Sticking to boundaries at first is hard, especially if you’re not used to them.

Remember to keep emotions out of it and always speak calmly and respectfully.

When you talk all over me, I feel this is disrespectful. I’m happy to listen to your point of view, if you kindly allow me to finish giving you mine.

The first time I calmly stood my ground against a senior colleague at work I was terrified.

But once you do this once, you realize you have nothing to fear.

Start by saying no to small things. The more you do this, the better at it you get.

People pleasing may gain you short term validation, but you’ll never reach your full potential if you’re trying to be all things to all people. And always putting others first.

That might sound selfish, but it’s not. It’s self-caring.

There’s nothing wrong with having empathy for others. I’m not saying you have to stop being nice.

The trouble is when you’re overly empathetic and it comes at the expense of yourself.

“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world. Don’t let anything stand in the way of the light that shines through this form. Risk being seen in all of your glory.” 

–  Jim Carrey