How to move on
What if you know you need to let go of someone but you can’t?
What if your head says run, but your heart says no?
I love them
That stops you dead in your tracks.
A lot of people have been asking me this:
How do I let go of someone I love?
There are times when you have no choice other than to let go of someone you love.
Like when I had to leave my abusive ex, for the sake of my safety and to create a better life for me and my son.
Letting go of someone you love can be hurt.
I know that pain so well.
I fled a violent man with a little toddler of about 1-year-old.
I was in this place I’d moved to and it was tiny, but it represented my freedom.
I knew I had to leave this relationship if I was going to start a new life and create the best life for my child.
This didn’t stop it hurting.
I remember sobbing.
My child was in bed asleep and I was just sobbing, sobbing, sobbing as I have never before.
I was thinking.
Why is this so painful?
Why do I still love him so much?
A man who abused me, hurt me?
I still loved him and wanted him so desperately.
I wanted to be a family and for my son to have his father.
It really hurt to the depth of my soul.
I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.
So, I know what it’s like to let go of somebody you love.
Especially when you know in your head that that person isn’t right for you.
I’ll tell you how I did it.
How to let go of someone you love
It might not be right for you, but this is how I let go of someone I love.
This might apply to any relationship you are in.
For example, I’ve written before (and made a video) on emotionally immature parents.
Hundreds of you have written to me to say that you’ve had to let go of a parent you love and that is extremely painful as well.
I’ve also talked about letting go of toxic friendships so this could be about anyone you love.
I had to cut contact.
It was the only way for me because for me that love was a drug.
I was in a relationship that was codependent.
I was addicted to that love.
I wanted that first high again – from the person I first saw, who was the most wonderful charming, love-bombing person at the beginning of our relationship.
I wanted him back so badly because in the end my self-worth was so tied up in that relationship and that person, which it shouldn’t be, as that’s not healthy.
My sense of self-worth and self-esteem was so dependent on this relationship that I needed him to get that self-worth back again.
I had to cut contact, as a drug addict might, from the drug that was harmful to me.
The next step was unbelievably hard.
How to move forward
I had to be still with that pain and those painful feelings.
The most dangerous thing you can do when you are trying to leave someone you love – and it hurts – is to run back to that drug so you’ll feel good about yourself again.
If your self-worth is dependent on that relationship and you go back, to avoid the pain.
Or if you use other avoidance techniques such as overeating, drugs, alcohol, or you go into another rebound relationship.
This may numb the pain immediately.
But chances are you’ll go into a relationship with somebody else who is equally toxic because if your self-worth depends on others, you’re going to choose the wrong type of person.
One who is going to treat you as unworthy and unlovable because you don’t think you’re worthy or lovable yourself.
Be still.
Feel those painful feelings.
It makes me cry now just thinking about how painful it was for me at that time.
I’ve never felt pain like it.
It was right down to the pit of my stomach, which churned.
I couldn’t eat.
I felt physically sick, but somehow I knew that I had to feel those feelings if I was going to conquer them.
If I was going to heal, change my life and become a different person.
Think of it in a way as grieving.
You go through stages.
When you’re grieving the loss of somebody who has died, for example, you have no choice but to experience these.
Unless you avoid them by numbing yourself with alcohol or whatever, it feels like you’re in the darkest tunnel.
I was in that darkness and fog of pain for weeks, if not months.
But I promise you this:
Letting go of someone you love
If you have the courage to let those feelings wash over you, one day at a time, one hour, or one minute if that’s all you can cope with, then you will start walking towards the light.
If you let these painful feelings fester within and suppress them internally, they’ll come out in other ways at some point later.
It’s going to eat away at you inside.
Let those feelings come out.
Understand it’s like grieving, it will hurt and it takes time.
But time is your best friend and healer.
Stop fantasizing what you think and believe and remember is that the dream ending in your head.
About what might have been or could be in the future – if only you had done this or that to change You.
Changing external things is like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
It’s not going to stop that boat from sinking.
Don’t waste your time trying to change external things.
You have to change internally from within.
So, don’t cling to that fantasy.
Write a list if you need to of the reasons you left that relationship.
The reasons you have to break away from that toxic friend or family member.
Write the reasons down and stick them on the fridge if you have to.
Those reasons still stand.
Don’t let a fantasy lower your resolve.
Stay resilient and strong because the pain will lessen if you have the courage to face it.
Try to practice forgiveness, if you can.
If you’ve been through extreme situations, it may be difficult to forgive and that’s okay.
At least understand that their behavior, the way they treated you, the way they are is their problem.
That’s their issue. It is not a reflection on you.
You are not to blame.
So, if you can’t forgive them by accepting they are damaged and that is their journey, their issue, at least try to separate yourself from this.
Know you are not to blame for it.
They need to be accountable for their own actions.
You’re not responsible for them.
Forgive if you can, or at least let go of blame.
If you can’t and you’re internalizing that shame you’re only hurting and harming yourself further.
In a way, you’re still connected to them and allowing them to have power over you.
Let them go.
Also, understand that there is no shame in getting support and help if you need it.
I did.
It’s very hard to deal with and process the pain alone.
Guidance and support, especially from someone who’s been through what you have and can mentor you, can make a huge difference in your recovery.
Someone who can say:
I know your pain.
I know your shame.
I know how much you’re hurting.
These are the steps I took
This is how I found my way out
Focus on You.
Go back to You.
You can’t control anyone or anything outside of you.
You can keep trying to change external events and people around you but that’s not going to work.
You need to let all those go and look inwardly at yourself.
Ask yourself:
Who am I?
Who do I need to become to get through this?
What do I want in my life?
Who around me will enhance and support me?
Who is toxic and I need to let go of?
Try to find an intrinsic sense of value and self-worth.
Instead of wallowing in a victim mentality in which you are obsessing over them and the what-ifs, wasting all your energy – go out and live.
Say to yourself:
What can I do today that helps build my self-esteem and self worth?
What’s one nice thing that I can do for myself today if that’s all I can manage?
Then go out and do it.
Phone a friend that you trust, love and who loves you and say:
I need a cup of coffee today.
Do you have half an hour to talk?
Force yourself to get up off the floor and take that first step.
Go out and have a walk on the beach or go for a swim in the surf.
Get the sun on your face.
Do something that makes you feel great.
It’s really hard to let go of someone you love, I know.
But sometimes in your life, you have no choice.
You have to.
So, these are the steps I took.
I cut off from that toxicity.
I focused on me.
I kept those reasons I had left firmly in my head.
Then stood still.
Every time I wanted to go back to numb the pain, I told myself:
If I go back, I’m gonna be hurt all over again.
And then I’ll have to go back to Day One and through this once more.
I might as well just start today and take one day at a time to face that pain and those stomach-churning feelings that were flooding out.
Anger, loneliness, the thought that I was never going to find love again.
I had to feel them all and let them wash over me because you know what?
When I did that, the power to hurt me became less and less.
The more I started to let go of focusing on him and the what ifs and focus building my self-esteem and sense of self-worth instead, everything became okay.
The more I surrounded myself with people who cared for and loved me and leaned into them for support, the easier it got.
With time and taking just one small step at a time towards love, I found it the light.
You can choose to walk away, have the courage and find that strength you never even knew was there.
You were brave to make that decision to leave.
Now find the courage to stick with it and keep going one step towards the life that’s waiting for you.
The life that’s full of love, happiness, and joy.
Head towards that joy because it’s what’s you deserve.
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