How to be vulnerable and embrace emotional intimacy

I want to talk about how to be vulnerable.

In particular the connection of vulnerability and shame.

How you can get close to other people and have relationships in a deep and meaningful way.

All of this is connected so I want to try and break this down.

Fear of love

When I first met my husband who I’m married to now (and I’ve been with for a very happy 30 years), I tried to push him away.

The relationship I had before him was an abusive one and I almost lost my life to that man.

I had time on my own before I went into this new relationship and that time was important.

It was time alone I needed to work on myself.

I had to build my sense of self-worth and self-love because I wanted to break that cycle of abuse.

I didn’t want to replicate it, which often happens.  Where you go from one abusive relationship to another.

I knew I had to build my self-esteem self-worth to avoid attracting the type of person who would treat me as unworthy.

I did this and when I met my now-husband I knew he was a different kind of man.

He’s secure in himself and kind.  He’s confident and strong as well; a wonderful, decent man.

He clearly wasn’t going to abuse me.

I didn’t have any red flags with him. There were no warning signs I should heed.

Yet, I tried to push him away.

Fear of abandonment

I found his emotional availability very hard to deal with at first.

I was frightened and I realise now it was because I was terrified of being vulnerable.

I had deep-seated insecurities and one of those was a fear of abandonment.

What I felt in my unconscious mind, was that if he got too close to me and saw who I really was he’d be repulsed and run a mile.

I was going to be abandoned by him.  My fears would come true.

So, in a perverse way, I was trying to push him away before he inevitably dumped me, which in my mind I’d convinced myself was going to happen.

How to be vulnerable

I’ve since learned that being vulnerable – allowing yourself to be vulnerable with another person you can trust – is crucial to forging a deep connection.

It’s key to building a healthy, loving relationship that just grows and stands the test of time.

I had to get over the fear of love.

The way to not fear vulnerability is to face it and own it.

I had to face the fact that deep down inside I was a very frightened little girl.

I was insecure.  I didn’t feel worthy enough.  I believed my ex when he said I’d provoked and was to blame for the abuse.

I was a people pleaser and had Imposter Syndrome, fearing others at work would find me out.

I had to look at that little girl inside me and recognise this negative perception I had of myself.

A story that as an adult I can now see is untrue.

I needed to take over that story and rewrite it in a way that focused only the good in me.

I was lovable, kind, a good friend and loving partner who cared.

I had to recognise the positive and create affirmations to replace the negative story I was sabotaging my happiness with.

See my vulnerability and challenge it.

Emotional intimacy

So, I rewrote my story to one in which I was worthy of my husband-to-be.

And then, with new-found confidence, I started to reveal myself to him.

Little bit by little bit.

I knew I could trust him so I dared myself to not fear emotional intimacy.

To be clear, this is different from a relationship in which the other person uses your vulnerability and what you reveal to them as a weapon to hurt you.

I knew I was in a relationship with somebody who wasn’t going to do that.

So, I revealed a little bit of me to test the waters, if you like.

When I felt confident he wasn’t going to hurt me, I revealed a little more.

We both gently and gradually did this and over time grew to trust each other more.

We built on that trust piece by piece.

Emotional closeness

You can only build a strong bond and the huge trust we have today if you can reveal vulnerability fearlessly.

And trust that person with your vulnerability.

The more you can trust them with your vulnerability, the deeper connection you can forge.

Revealing vulnerability is absolutely crucial to building trust and trust is crucial to building a meaningful relationship with someone.

But you can’t do that if you’re terrified of vulnerability and have deep-seated fears you’re not good enough.

Or if you have a fear of abandonment.

If that’s the case you do the opposite: build walls around you and push other people away.

You’re never going to be able to connect deeply with them.

Embracing emotional intimacy and vulnerability is key.

Recognising vulnerability and facing your fears.

Taking any shame associated with it away is important too.

Understand that insecurity and low self-esteem is just a perception of yourself you grew up to believe in.

Replace it with positive affirmations that allow you to accept and love yourself just the way you are.

Then you’ll no longer fear vulnerability.

You’ll know you are enough and won’t accept anything or anyone else who’ll betray your trust.

What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful

– Brene Brown