How the cycle of abuse works
How a narcissist plays you. How a narcissist makes you feel.
A narcissist may love bomb you when you first meet them. They can be intense, all over you, telling you things that make you feel loved.
I’ve never met anyone like you before. You’re the person I’ve been waiting for
They sweep you off your feet and promise you the world – marriage, babies, a perfect future together. Whatever it is you need to hear.
How a narcissist makes you feel
[bctt tweet=”How a narcissist makes you feel at first – special, wanted, great. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
It’s like fireworks have gone off, it’s the best drug. You feel so high in their presence, their charisma sucks you in.
Once they’ve hooked you in, bad behaviour creeps in, just little signs at first.
Narcissistic game playing
They may erupt in anger out of the blue. A flash of anger, where they turn on you and say something nasty.
It’s subtle at first and so quick, but it’s over with just as fast.
You think you’ve imagined it, especially when they’re now saying:
I’m so sorry, that’s not me
They’re remorseful and they may even put it down to their difficult past. They tell you how hard done by they are; unlucky in love or life.
You then feel a bit sorry for them, so you forgive them. You believe that this behaviour was uncharacteristic and not them.
But, then you start to see these flashes of anger more and more and they get worse each time.
Psychological games narcissists play
If you question them, they make excuses and tell you why it’s not their fault. If it’s not their bad past, it’s something you’ve done.
You made me angry. You shouldn’t have said that about me in front of your friends.
Whatever it is, they’ll find reason to blame everything or everyone else, but them.
Or they might just disappear. They may go into a rage, throw things or smash their fist into a wall and then walk out the door. You won’t see them for a few days and will wonder:
What have I done?
They’ll reappear and it will be as if nothing has happened. If you bring it up, you’ll be at fault for trying to create a problem in your relationship.
Why are you being so cold when I’m am so loving?
[bctt tweet=”Narcissists test your boundaries early on, to see what you will accept. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
Did she (or he) walk out of the relationship as a result of that behaviour? No, they stuck around.
They see that as a licence to reveal more of their darker side. It’s always excused away, blamed on someone else – usually you.
You start to change your behaviour because you think:
Maybe I did say something wrong, because they were so loving before.
You change it, hoping that by doing so you’ll affect the outcome and it won’t happen again.
But nothing works. So, you start twisting yourself in knots. You’ll do everything you can not to provoke them and to keep the peace. All you want is that loving side of them.
The pattern repeats and the abuse continues, followed by remorse and blame.
You may start to see the first signs of physical violence. A push or a shove. They may throw you hard up against a wall or pull your hair.
But, again they explain it away.
I only pushed you a little. It wasn’t as bad as you’re making out.
They may become so remorseful and upset, crying:
I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I just did that. I don’t want it turned out like my father who was violent.
You start to feel sorrier for them, more than for yourself and the abuse you’ve just suffered.
They’re testing your boundaries. If you accept their promises to never do that again, they’ll know they’ve got away with it and can do it again.
The cycle of abuse has begun.
The highs you have with them can be so wonderful and intense, you feel amazing. But, it’s followed by this tension that builds until something triggers them to explode.
The lows get lower, the highs fewer and further between.
You’re always chasing that high, trying to find that good person again. You change your behavior even more, believing if you do, you can get that nice side of them again.
You’re forever trying to change, to fix things and make peace again.
All the while, they are stripping you of your self-esteem. To the point where you start to believe you’re worthless.
They convince you that you deserve this abuse, that it’s your fault.
You start to accept more than your fair share of responsibility for that relationship. You are taking responsibility for their actions and behavior. They’re blaming you and you’re starting to believe them.
This cycle of abuse is pervasive and hard to break free from. Not least because they also use manipulative tactics such as:
Gaslighting – where they tell you that you imagined their abuse. You’re too sensitive or you’re exaggerating it.
Mirroring – where they project onto you their own toxic behaviour. They say you’re the one creating drama, when it’s them.
This is manipulative behaviour.
By the time you realise you’re in an abusive relationship, your self-esteem is so low. It’s almost impossible to find the courage to leave.
You’ve also become dependent on them. Your abuser has made you feel so low, yet they can lift you back again with one hug and the words:
I’m so sorry, I love you.
This is what you are longing for and need to make you feel better. They trap you in this distorted and dysfunctional cycle of abuse.
The person abusing you is the only person who can make you feel good again.
If any of this sounds familiar to you then I would urge you to get out. The longer you stay in the cycle of abuse the harder it is to leave.
I know because I’ve been there. Leaving an abusive relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.
Get help and support because you can’t do it alone.
A lot of us stay in that cycle of abuse because we believe the loving person we always see after the abuse is the real them. They’re not this nasty abuser. It’s not their fault.
If we can just love them more, prove to them we are worthy, then we’ll get that wonderful person. They will love me and everything will be okay.
It’s a false hope and a false promise. You will only go on chasing that elusive first high you felt. It will never feel as high again.
We are also hoping for closure. For them to admit their bad treatment of us, accept responsibility and blame for it. Tell us they’re going to get help and are finally going to change.
You could be waiting forever for that to happen. You could also end up dying.
Two women are murdered every week by an intimate partner. Men are the victims of abuse too.
If you are in this cycle of abuse, please get help and support to get out now.
If you’d like to read more about narcissistic rage and find specialist support you can do so here.
The longer you stay the harder it will be to find freedom.
Are you seeing any of this behaviour? Let me know in the comments below.
YESSS!!!!!! and I can’t leave because I have no where to go and no one that will help me and I also have pets he threatens to harm if I leave and has let them loose out of their outside pen when I have managed to leave to get me to come back because it is in the country and there are coyotes. Within minutes after I left. This is very real I Know!
Sorry to hear this Paula. Have you tried contacting free anonymous helplines in your country? There are now shelters that home pets too and financial support. I’ve listed resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Great article. One small correction…”mirroring” is not the same as projection (you have defined projection)…mirroring is when they pretend to have more in common with you than they do…to be more like you than they are. For example, my narcissisist ex got me to write long letters first, and then imitated my writing style (I didn’t realize this, at the time). It often goes hand in hand with love-bombing, to make you feel closer to them and more deeply understood.
Interesting, thank you!
Vivian, thanks so much for this. I’m just coming out of an extremely traumatic 6 year relationship with a narc and it nearly cost me my sanity. I’ve known things were wrong from very early on, but for all the reasons you mentioned I kept going back in, trying to fix him.
I moved out a while ago and have tried hard to cut ties, but he turned up on Sunday morning with gifts and has been sending me texts ever since telling me what a nasty person I am, how I never deserved him or realised how nice he is. He’s done and said some horrendous things over the years but somehow it’s all my fault.
I’ve read a lot about NPD recently but this article has really struck a chord. You sum it all up perfectly.
Congratulations on getting out and thankyou for the support- from me, and everyone else in the same situation.
I appreciate that so much, thank you. It makes me want to keep writing and speaking out. I hope you can stay strong and keep putting one foot in front of the other towards a happier future.
Hi Alice, this is why I say to watch and see if what they do and say are aligned. If they buy a gifts and promise to change, yet then blame us and say nasty things, these are meaningless gestures. It’s all about me, me, me by the sound of what he is saying, your needs and wellbeing are irrelevant. You deserve better and you are not to blame.
I am wondering, what makes people become so evil? I am sure that most of them are not born like this. And do they know that they are bad? I read a book that my ex wrote, he doesn’t know that I read it since he never wanted to tell me the title, however, I found it online because I knew what to look for (maybe I should be a detective? 🙂 In that book one sentence hit me: “I know I am evil down to the core”. That baffled me. So do these people know that they are abusive?
I believe many are affected by their parents not meeting their emotional needs as a child. So they become emotionally arrested. It’s complicated. I believe that they may have awareness of what they are doing. But they have no empathy – the ability to feel how it affects the other person.
Until I read your article, I thought that I was going crazy. While reading this I was surprised at how spot on it describes my girlfriend’s behavior. I have tried everything to get back the person that I fell in love with, nothing works. I am never right, I took it wrong even my hearing is bad according to her lol. I know that I need to break away, it is just difficult when you knew them as such an amazing loving person before all the drama. It makes me sad because she means so much to me , but it breaks my heart knowing how little I mean to her.live and learn I guess.. thank you for the article.
You aren’t going crazy, they can be highly manipulative and make us feel that we are. The amazing loving person is just a mask. She is showing you the real her now. Try not to cling on to a fantasy that will never come true, as hard as I know this is. The longer you stay, the worse it will get and the harder it will be to leave. These might help too 1) Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/ 2) Jekyll & Hyde: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/ 3) Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
I been seeing a man I met about 9 months ago. It came out of nowhere. Long story short at first he was my night in shining armour. He displayed things I never experienced before. Treating me like a queen. Charming, loving, caring literally I thought this is too good to be true i had a hard time wrapping my head around it. I kept my guard up but the more I kept by guard up the harder he put on the charm. Slowly I stared letting him into my heart. After about 4 months of dating I was noticing this change in hin I couldn’t explain. The couring was decreasing, emotionally becoming distant. Hot and cold is the only was I could explain it. Literally. One minute it was come here let me hold you after 2 min literally it was no I don’t want to be touched right now. It was mind exhausting and it got worse. Sex decreased. Everything seemed to be fading away pretty fast and I found myself asking my self what am I doing wrong? I was all of a sudden trying to cling onto that person I met. What did I do to change him? I stared getting feelings of him distancing himself. The more he did the more I try to hold on. To a point where I let me home business shut down. My savings was depleted and I was dependent on him. Then he started to challenge my memory. I have a pretty good memory. But he would make comments like here you go with your memory again. Like what the hell are you talking about. I littler was questioning my sanity. I checked in at the emergency room one night becouse I felt like I was going crazy do to my anxiety being out the roof. I had family and friends telling me I am not myself and I need to leave as being around this man was very toxic. I lost weight. I lost family and friends and was absolutely dependant on him. I started drinking to ease my pain and suicidal thoughts entered my mind. Then one sever night if drinking and loaded gun in my hand on the kitchen floor. I try research what us it that I am experiencing becouse this not me. There is something wrong. I cut contact with him for a couple days and it was like my sanity was slowing coming back. Everything that was seeming so foggy was coming to clear up. There was anger, sadness, fear, loneliness. I curled up on my kitchen floor and cried it out. I try to make sence of it and the only sence I was coming to was I am not crazy!! There is nothing wrong with me. I also found my self in a sence. I found out I have fewer of abandoned. My mother and father parted when I was in my teens and my father is now married to a woman who doesn’t accept be becouse I am a child from a pervious marriage. All this hurt and fear and everything was coming up. I had to face it all. And once I faced this over the course of a few days it was like the sun started shining again. The more I stayed away from him and limited contact the more I felt like I had power again over my life. I’m still hurt…but not as I was. I finally cut all contact with him and I felt even more empowered when I did. It hurt a little this time. But I realized that I come first and it’s the only was I can be happy is literally cut all ties. Your articles have helped. Thank you!
You should be so proud of yourself for finding the strength and courage that you have. What you were experiencing is an addiction to an unavailable man, known as codependency. This is why it is so painful as they manipulate you to such a degree that the only person who can make you feel good about yourself is the one who is hurting you. You do everything you can to get their nice side back. But this doesn’t exist. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Here are some of my other posts/videos that might help explain this more to you – I hope they help:
Jekyll & Hyde: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/dr-jekyll-mr-hyde/
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/
Leaving an abusive relationship. I’m happier and free: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/leaving-an-abusive-relationship-happy-and-free/
Addicted to love: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/addicted-to-love/
Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/
Gaslighting: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/gaslighting-in-relationships-2/
Why do I feel sorry for my abuser: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/feel-sorry-for-our-abuser/
Codependency recovery: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/codependency-recovery/
I am enough. Know you are good enough to create the life you dream of: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/i-am-enough/
I’m a 59 year old man. Ashame to say I’ve been married for 33 years. Your article feels like you described what has happened to me by my wife.
I feel so worthless to my wife. I feel worthless to everyone, seems people only need what I have and not just for me.
She has even told I’m second on priority list to her 40 year old son. She gives him all the space in our house without asking me. Its depressing to realize what you mean to your spouse.
Larry
I’m so sorry to hear this Larry and for my delayed response (I had technical problems). You are worthy and deserve love. I would suggest getting help and support to work through this and to build your self-esteem and sense of self-worth so you can set stronger boundaries. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I felt like the narrator here. Although I was never physically abused, I certainly feared at times he’d do it. The fear itself was enough to feel like I actually WAS, but I also felt like being hit or pushed might actually feel better than the emotional and verbal abuse I faced for months. I have never been a confident or conceited, attention-seeking woman, even though I hold a Masters degree in a high noble profession. I have always cared about the well being of others and easily forgave when I was done wrong. People always say one of my best qualities is believing in others… having faith in others. After being love bombed and feeling like the most beautiful person in the world, I soon became convinced that it was my biggest weakness… and that everything about me was inadequate. I felt worthless. I soon felt like I had isolated myself from what I knew as a good life and that I had no one. I’ve never felt so lonely and unloved. My physical appearance even suffered, as I started feeling like even trying to look presentable was impossible.
The best gift God gave us is CHOICE. We have a choice to leave or stay. I chose to leave- as hard as it was to let go of the beautiful things I thought were enough to make me stay. I’m slowly picking up the pieces of my life and I am feeling determined to heal from the hurt. It’s not always easy, but I choose to realize that he’d never change and I deserved better. I choose to be happy; I choose to be ME again. I choose to be a survivor.
You should feel so proud of yourself for finding the strength and courage within in the face of coercive control, which is what this is. It is a powerful form of manipulation and I’ve heard many say they wish ‘he’d just hit me’ as that is more black and white. Stay strong, find self-love and self-worth and your life will change forever.
I dont know if this guy is narcissistic or not. Maybe its just me wanting something that was never really there. He seemed really interested in me at first but apparently Im irrelevant to him now. Maybe I always was. Ive told him how much he hurt me by ignoring my texts and he didnt say sorry. He just said “ok” . When I tell him I miss him he just says “ok”. Is he not my friend? I guess not…
I always say: “watch not what they say but what they do”. Don’t worry about trying to label him. His actions tell you all you need to know. You deserve better.
I have a laundry list of reasons to leave my partner of 10 years… after all the lying and cheating, manipulative behavior and abuse beyond measure, I still hang on to what could have or should have been. I have literally shown him the proof I had that he had been unfaithful but he just turned it all on me saying I was a snoop for “going through his phone” I have left the relationship numerous times but ended up back with him each time not long after. It seems that it is nearly impossible to sever the ties that bind. Everything I’ve ever known revolves around this man and I had built my whole life around him. I really do need help getting out. This article nails the hammer on the head in more ways than one and was a real eye opener for me. Thanks in advance for any feedback you may have, Vivian.
Codependency and the cycle of abuse are very hard to break free from, especially alone. I needed support from a support group to break that strong pull back to him I felt, or addiction to him, which is what it is. You deserve better. It will be hard to break free but you can do it with support. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d read every self-help book you can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/
You might also find these posts helpful:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Love hurts. Obsessive love disorder: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/love-hurts/
I also have online video courses that take you through the process of understanding what happened in the relationship, how to leave safely and break the cycle. You can find out more here: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/
I hope that helps?
ten years…ten years it’s been happening. Ive been kept a secret, lied too, only when he is drunk does he reach out, punishes me by “blocking” me then opens the door to invite me back in. I feel as though I’m going crazy. I am the toxic person, I am the pushy/to sensitive/“not listening one. I keep thinking “oh but he’s my friend, oh this time he is coming around…this time…
I eat the crumbs as if they are the most delicious cake…I’m drained. I’m not trying to step in a victim role because I understand I too am accountable in my actions, however I’m trapped. Cornered. I feel like I’ve tried everything to not be in contact with this man and nothing is helping me. Reading this artist makes sense, thank you. I have no self esteem, no sex drive, my energy is all going into fighting for this. But I don’t even know what this is…
I need help. I found your article googling “how a narcissist makes you feel” because I don’t even know what that is these days. I’m 4o, in the best shape of my life except emotionally and am in so deep I can’t open or see the giant amazing cake in front of me.
I’m sorry for what you have been through. It is hard to make sense of I know. I would suggest getting help and support to work through this, understand codependency and break the cycle. Al-anon may be a useful support group for you, it was for me. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/