Hoovering. I love that word!
I’m not talking about vacuuming the floors.
I’m talking about hoovering in abusive relationships. Narcissist hoovering.
It’s such a brilliant word because it absolutely sums up what it means. It does what it says on the tin.
Narcissist hoovering
This usually happens after an episode of abuse. Or, when you are threatening to leave, or have recently left an abusive relationship.
The narcissist fears they’re losing control over you – it’s their greatest fear.
A narcissist has to have control over you to make themselves feel better about themselves.
The way they do this is to hoover you back in.
They tell you:
I love you
I’m sorry that’s not the real me
I’m going to change
It’ll never happen again
Love hoovering
They’re so loving and attentive. Envelope you with this positive emotion and they love-bomb you with all their might.
You get their nice side back again. The one you first fell in love with.
You believe that maybe this time they will change. That’s the lie that makes us go back to them and stay for way too long.
It’s what we want to believe as we have this fantasy man (or woman) in our heads. The one we hope they’ll become with our help.
Don’t listen to a narcissist when they hoover you. It’s just a manipulative tactic.
They’ll say whatever they need to say to suck you back in. They’ll be loving and nice only as long as it takes for them to regain control over you.
Then the cycle of abuse will return.
Covert narcissist hoovering
Hoovering can also happen when you leave an abusive relationship and try to go cold turkey and have no contact with them.
Even if you’ve cut them off, changed phone numbers, they’ll somehow find you and send you a random text.
Why are you doing this to me when I love you, have promised I’ll change and need you now more than ever?
They guilt trip you. They want you to feel sorry for them and bad about leaving them.
It might even be after you’ve been discarded by them. Dumped in a cruel and cold way.
Narcissists do this when they no longer feel they are getting what they need from you. Then move on to their next supply.
Someone who will let them manipulate them and won’t question or call them out on their behaviour.
Quite often before they do their final discard of you, they’ve already lined up their next supply. They dump you, then go on to a new parasitic relationship.
They’ll be with this new person parading around on social media and you’ll think:
Did they ever love me?
Maybe I was to blame for the abuse?
Because they seem so happy together. It really hurts when they discard you and more so, because they’re rubbing salt in the wound.
Narcissist hoovering techniques
Then out of the blue one day, you get a text.
How are you? I miss you!
That’s the vacuum cleaner coming out.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
They’re hoovering you.
They want to keep you dangling just enough to be plan B if this new supply / relationship doesn’t work out.
Or, it just gives them a sense of power to have control over you again. To still have you dangling there, even though they’re with someone new.
Don’t fall for the vacuum cleaner and their hoovering techniques! Don’t let them reel you back in.
No matter what they’re saying to you when they’re hoovering you – and I know they can be the most loving, beautiful, wonderful person when they are. DO NOT listen to what they say.
[bctt tweet=”Narcissists are arch manipulators. Don’t listen to their words, especially when their actions aren’t aligned with them. They’ll say whatever they think you want to hear and then do the opposite. ” username=”beingunbeatable”]
Don’t believe them when they say:
I will change this time
I promise it will never happen again
Where’s the proof?
Have they gone and done a couple of years of therapy with a trained counsellor to really change their behavior?
My guess is No.
Chances are they’ll come back to you and then go:
Well I did say I was going to change and now you’re not being supportive enough
That is, blame you. Then in this smoke screen, it gets forgotten that they were going to change.
Don’t listen to them.
Write down a list of all the reasons you left. All the things they did to hurt you.
Put it on the fridge if you need to.
When they’re telling you these loving wonderful things, hoovering you and trying to make you feel guilty. Trying to make you come back to them.
Go back to that list. Read that list to remind yourself why you left, because those reasons haven’t changed. They still stand.
They’re hoovering you with their nice side, not their nasty side. That nasty side of them who has just hurt you and abused you.
Their nice persona is the most dangerous side of them. Because if you listen to them and believe what they’re saying and get sucked back in. Then you back into the abusive cycle and the abuse will only get worse.
The longer you stay exposed to that sort of manipulation, psychological manipulation and coercive control, the harder it will be to leave.
I know it’s hard to resist. When you leave or try to leave a narcissist it becomes Olympic medal levels of hoovering.
It’s tough not to listen to them. You want to believe them because you do still love them.
You didn’t ask for this abusive side to come into your relationship.
But please understand, there are no two sides to a narcissist. The nasty abusive side and the nice one is the same person.
If anything they really are the nasty abusive person. That nice, loving person is just a mask to fool you into thinking that this time it’s going to be different.
Try not to get sucked back in. The easiest way not to is to go cold turkey and have zero contact with them.
Some of you might have children with them, so if you can I would try to deal with a third party to do with any access arrangements.
Cut off all contact if you can.
I know how hard this is and how much that’s going to hurt, but it’s better to feel that pain and walk away from them.
That pain won’t last forever and you will be walking towards your freedom.
Get help if you need it to stand firm and not get sucked back in by their hoovering. And to fill that void you have inside with as much self-love as you can, so that you’ll be strong enough to say:
No, that behavior is not good enough. I deserve better.
You do deserve better.
When you hear that hoover start up, block your ears.
Have you ever, or are you experiencing narcissist hoovering? Let me know in the comments below.
If you are unsure if you are in an abusive relationship then I have the perfect online video course for you here >>>> Start With ME: Victim to Survivor
If you’re struggling to leave or get over a narcissistic relationship then my online video course is designed especially for you >>>> Start With ME:Survivor to Staying Strong
Good Morning Vivian,
I am really glad that you posted this one. I am currently experiencing hoovering. In June 2018 I came to my breaking point with abuse with my husband of 8 years. When trying to leave the house with my children he dragged me back inside and punched in the face, slammed my head against the floor more times than I can count and choked me to the point where I could not breath and the thought I was going to die came to my mind while my three children watched part of it. That was just the worse time not the only time. I have been gone 5 months now and he has faced felony charges which he was convicted of a Misdemeanor not on a household member. I say what happened to me out loud and it astounds me that with all this hoovering as you describe I am truly considering going back. I am trying to stay as strong as I can. Even in front of my three children. When he says how much he wants our family and the kiddos say they just want to be together and a family again. I have to say no every time 3 times a week during visits. I am wearing down. I am glad that this is a thing. I am so just rattled over the possibility that beating me up severely brought him to the point of real change. My sacrifice brought on the better man that I dreamed of. With what you posted I was brought back a more clearer picture although yes still love him but I am staying as strong as I can with NO.
What is also helping that with this loving and facade and amazing words of everything that I want to hear and have been waiting to hear for years from my husband is amazing but then I see a few red flags pop up now and then that makes me back up. The words are not mean or ugly but they still paint the picture of the abusive man I lived with for so long. He says he is sincere and has really changed but those red flags that he still is the same man.
He says that he just wants me to be healthy and feel better and heal but I can’t do that without him showing me. And I should be able to make a decision on our marriage by this time because he is ready to go in a direction. I say I am still not ready. I am at the point where I just want to stay in my safe bubble and not step out of it. I have been diagnosed with complicated PTSD and am attending counseling but getting through each day is an accomplishment for me.
Thank you for the post. It is helpful to know what I am experiencing is a real part of this whole process.
Danielle, I am so glad you are here and I know how hard this is. Please read this post/watch this video – Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/ and this one – Two sides of narcissism. Beware their good side: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/two-sides-of-narcissism/ and this one – Can a narcissist change?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-a-narcissist-change/ and this one – Can a narcissist love? How can I love someone who abuses me?: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/can-narcissists-love/
Please do not go back to this man. If he has strangled you are seven times more likely to be murdered by him. That’s a 750% increase in the odds you will lose your life to him. Strangling is a very serious sign as he is telegraphing to you he has the ability to kill you. This happened to me too and now I know those odds I realise I am lucky to be alive. 2 women are killed every week. No love is worth dying for. Your children need their mother and aside from that, bringing them up in this environment is not a healthy model of what a relationship should be like. It will affect them as they grow up.
Please get help and support as you can’t do this alone. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I also have an online video course that will help you to understand what happened in the relationship, why you feel sorry for him and fear the future. How you can break that intense pull back and not go back. Or into another abusive or addictive relationship. How to turn your life around and go on to find healthy love. You can find out more here: http://www.vivianmcgrath/survivor-to-staying-strong/
Stay strong and thanks for being here.
Hello Vivian
I was in a relationship for 2.5 years and one year of hoovering. I actually wanted to leave after 6 months and somewhere i always knew there was something off with this man. But I got tricked and doubted myself. Maybe I was a bad mother, maybe I was a bad partner, I should have been more patient or understanding. Did i say the right words the right way? I was not as attractive as i used to be? … Did i have to be last in line to get my money back we had a relationship so that could wait… my kids were spoiled rotten, i set no boundries wasnt clear enough ( not his kids) his child was god but not always he had a short fuse… his child was always carefull always said sorry…. never shared anything and only answered in doesnt matter its ok… so many fights over nothing … he always loses things and blamed me for it … where are my shoes… did you sell them? Where are my socks… he said he was diagnosed with adhd so life was difficult for him… everything was a struggle where i went and how long… he said i wasnt open … i didnt share enough… i had no love in me didnt cuddle or praise him enough… he never trusted where i was… said i was not over my ex… if i wanted to go out he wanted to come along we had to do everything together if i went out with friends there was always a discussion so i came home early he used drugs but not on a regular base but when he did it was sad for him and we had to adjust… i left him after he hit my daughter and called her names he always laughed at their pain it wasnt real… my children never saw him again but i got hoovered back and again and again sometimes a day sometimes a week he promised to change said he missed me and so on… he talked to people had new insights wanted to talk and tell his story i felt uncomfortabls every time and never trusted him but i was stuck in his web. The last time he bought me an expensive gift i took it but it was awfull as soon as he noticed i was not going to give him what he wanted he wanted to see me and talk it was an attack yelling and accusing why wasnt i showing his gift i had to go get it and show it around… but i didnt he hit me in the face twice police came and he will be charged i hope the hoovering stops … i dont like him at all but it is like my mind doesnt realise it all the time… i thought i was crazy… my face got old fast in my time with him and my health was bad. I am so thankfull for your posts and videos.. you saved me
I’m so sorry to hear what you have been going through and I am so glad you are here. You’re not crazy. Coercive control is a very powerful form of manipulation. The biggest realisation for me was that I didn’t actually like him. I loved him in this crazy way, but I didn’t like him. Then I asked myself: what if he never changes? That’s when I finally left for good. The pullback is very strong as we become codependent – addicted to them like a drug. Withdrawing from them is painful. I urge you to get help and support to break the cycle. It’s hard to do this alone. But you can and breaking the cycle is important for your children. The fact you showed your daughter physical violence was unacceptable was a powerful statement. Keep being that great role model. Try to take your focus away from him now. Cut all contact if you can and get help and support to work on building your self-esteem. That is crucial to learning how to set strong boundaries and protect yourself. Self-love is key. Not depending on him or others to find happiness, but finding it within will change your life. I’ve listed domestic abuse resources here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Im going through this hovering I have a daughter w my rapist it was majorly psychological verbal abuse screaming shouting pounding breaking things.. it never got physical because I always watched what I said when I knew he became mad I would get so scared so I would just do as he wanted say what he wanted to hear. He gets a hold of my new numbers texts me the sweetest things when I tell him my feelings his whole persona falls out and he’s the same guy again blaming me that im not supportive that I keep bringing the past n dont let him move forward that I don’t believe in him that im super disrespectful etc because he’s trying to change and I start to question either im wrong n why i was never enough for him to stop cheating or stop abusing drugs or stop lying and screaming n shouting . When he wasn’t gone through my pregnancy he was screaming at me giving me a hard time when my daughter was just an infant he tried kidnapping her lots of times but I never said anything I couldn’t report him bc i loved him ?? Bc it was my fault for not doing what he said. He went to many rehabs and only began getting more n more aggressive I couldn’t get a restraining order because i had no proof.. now he just calls n text super sweet n on days when I feel lonely I feel so stupid for thinking I can maybe make things work w him even after all the pain he put me through
This message breaks my heart Silvia. Please get help and support to break free from this cycle of abuse. I worry about your safety and that of your child. You still feel love for him because codependency is an addiction and it is so hard to break free of it, which is why you need help and support. I did too. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’d also read every self-help book I can get your hands on, especially to do with codependency. Here’s my Best self-help books guide 2018: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/best-self-help-books/