Always trust your gut
Gut instincts in relationships can be the most important thing. I learned the hard way.
Always trust your gut.
Did you know that deep within the tissue of your gut is the enteric system? It’s made up of the same cells found in your brain.
So, it’s not so far fetched when we talk about our ‘gut feeling’.
‘Gut instincts’ as though our stomach is a kind of second brain!
And why people often say:
Go with your gut
When asked by a friend what decision they should make. ‘Go with your gut’ is definitely something I also say. Especially gut instincts in relationships.
Gut feeling
What is gut feeling?
That strange feeling you can’t quite put your finger on. A churning in your stomach.
Your hairs going up on the back of your neck. A voice in your head.
This is your intuition telling you something you should heed.
Trust your intuition, follow your intuition
Gut instincts are a primal protective mechanism. They are there to detect things before our conscious brain can see them.
I made a television series once about notorious serial killers. It featured people the killer had targeted who had survived.
They all talked about a funny feeling they’d had. Something wasn’t quite right.
They listened to intuition. It saved their life.
[bctt tweet=”There are times when we ignore our gut, no longer trust it. Or it’s numb. We can’t even hear it anymore. This is when things start to go wrong. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
My gut feeling
When I first met my abusive ex all the warning signs were there, my intuition alerted me to them.
The red flags were huge. I ignored them all.
I chose to see only what I wanted to see, was swept up in the heady rush of those early days.
My heart overruled my head.
As the relationship progressed if I questioned him for any bad behaviour he would gaslight me. Telling me I was imagining things or over exaggerating them.
Gaslighting distorts your sense of reality and leads you to mistrust your gut.
Over time I was numb to any gut feelings at all. Or at least, I couldn’t trust them anymore.
When he blamed me for the abuse, I believed him.
Gut instincts
A child raised by someone narcissistic can experience gaslighting.
The child expresses how it feels about something their parent has done, for example. The narcissist responds by telling them:
You’re wrong. Too sensitive.
The child faces two options. They think:
Either my parent is right, or my gut instincts are.
In their vulnerable mind the parent can’t be wrong, so they feel it must be them.
They learn to ignore their gut or not trust it as a barometer for safety.
Swallow their feelings and not express them, even when hurt or upset. Put others’ before themselves as their self-esteem goes down.
Which is why when some of these children grow up, they end up in abusive relationships.
Listen to your gut
The further we move away from what our gut is telling us to do, the more we step away from ourselves. What is best for our wellbeing.
It’s important to start listening to what your gut is telling you and follow your intuition.
Gut instincts in relationships
The other thing that can stop you from listening to your gut is when you project onto others. Have a fantasy in your head of what you hope and believe they can be.
When you’re dating, for example. Particularly if you’re dating too soon, dating when lonely or for the wrong reasons.
Instead of being still. Observing their body language and their actions. You project onto them your dream of who they might be. The fantasy life you might have with them.
If this person is narcissistic you listen to all the incredible things they say. They’re masters of telling you what you want to hear. It confirms they’re this fantasy person you’ve been hoping and waiting for.
You ignore those telltale red flags that are telling you otherwise. When you look back you’ll realise you did see them. Your gut feeling would have been warning you. If only you’d heeded it.
People show you who they are early on.
But, if you’re obsessed with projecting onto them something you hope for, you won’t see them for who they really are. Or you’ll deny it as it doesn’t fit with your dream.
You need to detach and observe anyone you’re dating with the first time. Watch not what they say but what they do.
Gut feelings in relationships are a powerful alarm bell. Gut instincts in relationships are key.
If you’re already in a relationship then ask yourself. What is your gut telling you?
Is this relationship good for you? Is it aligned with your core values, beliefs and goods?
What is your heart telling you? Are your heart and gut feelings at odds with each other? Unaligned?
If not, I’d go with your gut. Always trust your gut.
Stop being in denial.
If you have a big career decision to make. A move to a new country. If you’re choosing a new house to move into.
Making any big decisions. It’s the same. Follow your gut.
What was your instant reaction? Before you started to over analyse and think too much about it? What feels right to you?
What is best for your wellbeing? What is putting your needs first?
Follow your intuition.
[bctt tweet=”My intuition told me my relationship with my ex was bad for me. I wish I had followed my instincts. My life went awry when I stopped listening to my gut feeling. ” username=”beingunbeatable”]
Now, I’ve learned to trust it again. I let it guide me in every decision I make.
What a difference that makes.
Be still. Follow your intuition. Trust your feelings. Go with your gut.
Listen to what it tells you. Even over and above what your heart says. It knows the truth.
Is what your heart telling you at odds with what your gut says? Do you listen to gut feelings or ignore them? Let me know in the comments below.
This is not really great advise. Much of what happens in the gut is fear, it is where anxiety happens. Just as many people who ignore their gut, also cut off very healthy relationships because they become real and scary. Differentiating between fear and intuition takes practice. Be careful with your advise.
Thank you for your perspective.
I understand your perspective. However this is awesome advice. The difference is when you are not in denial of the red flags that result from the actions of a person that signal betrayal, not being truthful, not trust worthy, and dishonesty in your relationship and your gut is telling you something is wrong, it is NOT VERY HEALTHY to stay in that relationship.
I agree! Thanks for your perspective.
Sad to say, but my gut feeling has yet to fail me. Sometimes I might become confused my mind hazy, but i just step back and stay away from every one or things to clear my head and listen to my gut
That’s a great way to be. Still within yourself, so you can be in touch with your needs.
I still think after 6 months of my breakup. He still thinks about me but he isn’t expressing it idk why. He didn’t even resoonding of my msgs
I would urge you to take your focus away from him and instead focus on you, your self-esteem and finding self-love that is not dependent on his behavior. That is the only way to find happiness and healthy relationships.
I know that deep down our relationship is over, not because we don’t love each other, I believe he loves me very much. But it’s because he is lost, he doesn’t think he can give me what I want. My heart is telling me to give him space but my gut is telling me that this is over. But I am still waiting for him to tell me that.
Please trust your gut. Try not to slip into the role of his therapist and rescuer. No matter what space you give him he won’t change unless fundamentally he accepts he needs to and puts in the hard work and action to do so. You may be waiting around forever. Try not to cling on to the fantasy of what he might become in the future. This may help:
Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
My gut is 100% accurate, my brain and projecting my caring self led me down the exact same path with another narcissistic man. When I met the man I married, I had a queasy feeling in my stomach, even though I really didn’t know him. I ignored it, married him and he went on to have an affair and divorced me. Now, on an online dating app, I meet “Dave”, athletic, beautiful body, not much baggage, and SAME gut instinct when I saw him walk into the coffee shop. Fast forward 5 months, he was sleeping with another woman too, and I tried my best to “find the good in people” while ignoring how I felt. I am hoping this is my spiritual awakening, to never ignore what my body is telling me early on. And when I am looking for the good in people, maybe they aren’t good at all if it’s an all out search.
Thank you for this article, it hit the nail right on the head.
Thank you for being here. Not only is it important to trust your gut but to try to understand why this keeps repeating itself. Focus on you, your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Build it to be as strong as you can and those types will start to steer clear of you. The good guys will start to come into your orbit.
My gut has been screaming at me for 3 years. I saw signs very early on but ignored them. None of his words matched his actions and quite often his actions were emotionally abusive. Holding our relationship ransom….do what I say or it is over! Finally, my gut has the power over my heart. The last straw, I expressed my feelings about something and the next thing I know my keys were on the table and a picture of him and my dog taken as a “memory”….the drama, manipulation…this time, keep the ransom. I feel nothing.
Keep going and never look back. Always trust your gut as it’s there to protect you. Stay strong.
I was in a toxic friendship for almost 12 years. He kept saying his lady friend was just that. A lady friend. He said they were never ‘together .’ I was so stupid. He said they never ‘slept ‘ together when they went to her cottage together. They shared a bed but never ‘together.’ I believed that cause many friendships are just platonic and nothing happens. They were together every weekend just to watch tv. He went to her house to fix her bed. Why was it broken? All along my gut was trying to tell me something but I wasn’t listening. I still find myself having doubts about this relationship of his with her; like maybe they are just platonic. Every argument we had, I was blamed. ‘ You made me this way, you make things up, you you you.’ He went to see his family one weekend and after we texted he said ‘goodnight♥️😘.’ The next morning I said,
‘Goodmorning love.’ All of the sudden his texting became hollow. I apologized for saying goodmorning love and he answered, ‘Less pressure for me.’ Then we argued. That’s when I had enough. I’m now leaving the church to be away from him. I’m losing many fellow churchgoers because of him. I’ll be sad for awhile, but no longer have a headache.
I am glad the veil has finally lifted and you can see the truth. You are not to blame for his behavior and – let’s call it what it is – affair. He doesn’t deserve your love and you deserve better. Stay strong and be proud of yourself for putting you first for once.
I am struggling with whether to go with my gut or to go with my heart. I started dating a guy that I had been friends with forever. Things were great and he made me feel special. I got to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. Then he kissed another girl when he had a rough weekend. I forgave him because I knew he regretted it and that he was going through a really rough time. I know he is a good person cause I have seen it many times. Just as things were starting to go back to normal he had another bad week and cheated again with a different girl. He asked for another chance and my heart wants me to give him another one but my gut is telling me that we are just going to end up in the same situation. I don’t want to lose my best friend but I also don’t want to be hurt again.
Please trust your gut and ask yourself: is a man who cheats on you good enough for you? Is he really your best friend if he hurts you in this way?
I dated a woman for 3 years. We recently broke, I had bad gut feelings within a year of the relationship, I found out when I was on vacation, my girlfriend was giving a guy her work schedule to come see her at work, she’s a waitress. I confronted her about it and she threatened to end things. I forgave her and we moved forward but my gut feelings got so bad I got stomach ulcers. We broke up because she made excuses not to come to my doctor appointment. Just wondering if I made the right choice. Thanks
You made the right choice and deserve better.
Thank you, was a tough choice since there was a lot of good things but the gut feelings continued to worsen. And my overall health was crushed.
Put your needs first always. And work on your self-esteem and self-worth. When you are whole within you will attract healthier relationships.
I broke up today. We were together tor four moths, not much time but always had a weird feeling telling me something was off. I am not sure if breaking up was the right thing to do because o really liked him. I went with my gut… hope it was the right thing to do.
Only you will know but your gut feelings are usually a good sign.
I dont know how to tell the father of my kid that my intuition/guts always tells my I’m ain’t gonna be happy with him, I should stop dating. How do I tell him?
Every relationship is different so only you will know the answer to this, but be true to yourself and honest with him.
I’m bi and I have been having feelings for my friend who is straight for a while now. For the past several months, my gut has been telling me that I should say something but I start to think analytically and say “He’s straight. It’ll be impossible.” But I can’t help but who i like and who I’m attracted too and my gut is saying maybe we’re both too scared to say something. Besides, why would I want to fall for any of my straight friends? Lol. So it’s jus confusing. Do i follow my gut and tell him (right) or do i Wait it out for the right time?
This article hits home! Thank you Vivian for writing this and for responding to every comment. Your encouragement is so helpful!
I have initially followed my gut in every relationship but I go back after some convincing from the men and end up regretting it every time. I have wasted so much time from not following my gut all the way away from guys. I keep going back…it has become a pattern/bad habit for me but I am breaking free from that today. I am fleeing from guys my guy tells me are not the one. I just have to build my self-esteem back up and be ok being alone instead of someone who isn’t right for me. I want to be married someday but I have to make sure it’s the right man. I’m following my gut to the end. I’ll invite you to the wedding someday 🙂
Thanks for your kind words. Only if it’s a wedding in which you’ve never settled for less than you deserve! On that note it may really help you to watch my free masterclass: How to recover from abusive relationships, fall back in love with yourself and never settle for less than you deserve again https://joinnow.live/s/xMOdfN
I’m having a similar problem. I’ve been friends with my one of the closest friends for about 9 months. At the start everything was great like they always are in a new friendship. Then I started getting like intense gut feels to the point where my stomach physically gurgles even when i’m facetiming her or texting her. Something doesn’t feel right but the friendship itself seems fine? We both have an amazing time whilst we’re together and she’s always there for me but I just get this bad feeling I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t distance myself, that would be social suicide.