Leaving a violent man and a dysfunctional relationship is only the first step. There is a long way to go once you’ve left an abusive relationship.
I left chaos and drama and was now on my own. I went through a gamut of emotions. One day I felt empowered and resolved in my decision. The next, intense pain, sorrow, anger or fear. You name it, a mix of emotions surged out in a rush. Emotions I’d spent my life burying so deep; I’d been numb for so long. It was a terrifying thawing out.
This is what pulls a person back to an abusive relationship, like an addict back to a drug. The need to eradicate the pain. The ‘withdrawal’ from a volatile relationship – where the highs can be intoxicating and addictive – is intense. And there’s the subconscious need to bury those emotions again. But if you do go back and get that inital high again, the relief never lasts for long.
I equate it to grieving, where you have apparently have to pass through similar stages to heal – denial, anger, sorrow and so on. But I instinctively knew I had to be still. To feel each one of them, as intense and as painful as those emotions were, if I was ever going to recover.
I needed support too. I could not have done this alone, no woman (or man) should. Without it, you risk going back to that relationship. And, as it deteriorates and the violence escalates, you risk losing your life. Or you risk heading into a new dysfunctional relationship and repeating the same dangerous dance.
You need to allow the tears to flow, the anger to come out. You need to feel and face the pain.
There are no short cuts to coming to terms with why you were in a violent relationship. But the only way to break the cycle of violence and not repeat the pattern is to address them.
Even though I had the happiest of childhoods I don’t believe my emotional needs were fully met. I grew up to fear abandonment. Trying to control a man who was as needy as I was, was a man I subconsiously thought would never leave me. But by looking for love when I had zero self-worth, I had found a man who had treated me as worthless.
I had to learn that no one would ever be able to love me enough to fulfill me, if I didn’t love myself first. And that happiness doesn’t come from trying to control everything outside of me. It can only come from my own inner peace and serenity. If I was good to me and put myself first, then no-one could ever hurt me again.
What emotions are you going through as you thaw out? Let me know in the Comments below.
If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):
AUSTRALIA:
1800Respect: 0800 737 732 https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au
UK:
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107 http://paladinservice.co.uk
US:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org
Most recently I feel nothing at all. Emotional numbing they call it. 6 years of emotional and physical abuse, 2 young children who witnessed it all. They have been my focus since leaving so I haven’t really processed my own thoughts. I’ve always blocked negative events in my life out, it’s my main coping mechanism. So I now am writing every terrible thing he ever did to me down. I felt empowered when I first left, excited for my daughters to have a better life. Then I felt bad for him. Now I feel nothing.
I know how you feel. I felt numbed too for a while. One of the hardest parts of healing is to allow all those emotions we have suppressed for so long to come out. It feels so painful we often do whatever we can to put the lid back on them, one is to go back to the relationship for one more hit of love (which will never last). We need to be still with them, feel and process them as painful as it is. This is how we start to heal. I hope that when that box opens for you you can get through it and recover okay.