Not good enough. That was what I thought about myself. I was never good enough.
When I was growing up I had this chorus inside my head. Particularly, from my teenage years into adulthood.
It was the background noise to everything I ever did or said.
Voices that drowned all other thoughts out and would never give me a break.
You’re not good enough
That was the general gist of what they’d say.
I never felt good enough.
Imposter Syndrome
When I started to have lucky breaks in my television career I kept wondering when I was going to get found out.
That I didn’t know what I was doing. I was more stupid than I was making myself out to be. I was an impostor who didn’t deserve to be there.
I went on to have success three times over.
As a TV actress. A TV reporter and Foreign Correspondent. Then, as a TV documentary producer.
Throughout all these careers, I felt a failure.
I was not feeling good enough. I still have moments, despite all I have achieved, where I feel that now.
Will I ever be good enough?
Why is it that some of us have this hole inside? An emptiness. A feeling of not belonging?
Where does this come from? This emotional loneliness?
The fear of not being good enough? We’re unworthy, unlovable?
Do you know what I mean? Are you never good enough?
It comes from our childhood. When our parents neglected our emotional needs. (They might have looked after you well in all other ways, just not able to cope with your emotions).
In my last post, I talked about emotionally immature parents. This time I am going to talk about narcissistic mothers. Specifically, narcissist mothers and their daughters.
This book by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. inspired me:
Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers
If this sounds like you, then I urge you to read it.
Here, I’ll summarise what it’s about:
As young girls, we look to our mothers as the ones to guide us into womanhood. To help us determine our worth.
But what if our mother is emotionally needy and self-absorbed and can’t give us unconditional love or emotional support?
She may look after our physical needs but abandon us emotionally.
Narcissist mothers
Does your mother have narcissistic tendencies? Some questions to ask yourself are these:
- When you try to discuss life issues with her, does she change the subject, or push it away?
- Does she top your feelings with those of her own?
- Does she act jealous of you?
- Does she compete with you?
- Does she lack empathy for your feelings?
- Does she support only things that make her look good as a mother and ignore those that don’t?
- Have you felt a lack of emotional closeness with her?
- Does she know the real you?
- Does she only do nice things for you when others are able to see, but neglect you at home?
- When something happens (say, you get divorced) does she react in relation to how it will affect her? Not how it makes you feel?
- Is she overly conscious of what others think?
- Does she deny her own feelings?
- Does she blame things on you, rather than be responsible for her own feelings or actions. Tell you ‘you’re too sensitive’, for example?
- Does she hurt easily and carry a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
- Do you feel like you’re a slave to your mother?
- Do you feel responsible for her ailments, sickness, or stress levels?
- Did you take care of her physical needs as a child?
- Is she critical of you?
- Are you shamed by her?
- Does the world revolve around her?
- Does she want to control your choices?
- Is she controlling and flip from being a victim to a martyr and back again?
- Does everything have to be her way as the only way?
- Have you ever wondered if she even likes you or loves you?
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Daughters of narcissist mothers try hard to gain their mother’s love and approval. But, are never able to please her.
It’s all about how something looks to her, not how it makes you feel.
She may be jealous of you.
She never supports healthy expressions of yourself. Especially when they conflict with her own.
If you tell her you don’t like something she’s done, she’ll accuse you of being the ‘sensitive’ one.
She’s unable to empathise. She can’t deal with her own feelings, let alone yours.
She’ll be critical and judgemental.
Or, she may treat you like a friend, not a daughter. Crash through your boundaries, with you having no right to privacy.
The self-absorbed mother has vulnerable self-esteem.
She projects her self-hatred onto her daughter.
She may be doing this by being:
The engulfing mother
The one who dominates and controls. She makes all the decisions over what to wear, how to act, what to say, what to think.
A daughter can’t group up to find her own voice. She is an extension of her mother, not a separate being.
The ignoring mother
She’ll look after your physical needs, clothe you and feed you. But, she won’t be there to provide guidance, emotional support or show you any empathy.
She’ll discount and deny your emotions. Dismissing them with words such as:
You’re too sensitive
She may flip between the two, one minute engulfing, the next controlling. Or, she may be engulfing to one sibling and ignore the other.
Your mother may be:
The flamboyant extrovert
The charismatic woman everyone loves. Who is fun, engaging, entertaining. But none of this with her children.
She might be:
Accomplishment-oriented
What you achieve in life is paramount. Success is about what you do, not who you are.
If you are not successful according to her standards, it will embarrass her. She’ll be angry even.
She may offer you no support, as what you’re achieving takes away from her.
Until you have made it and are a hit in her eyes and she can relish in or show off about your success.
She may be:
Psychosomatic
Using illnesses, aches or pains to gain attention and manipulate others.
If you take care of her, she’s the focus of your attention. If not, she’ll play the victim and guilt trip everyone in the family.
Often Dad will say:
Don’t upset your mother
Lest you bring on one of her migraines or some such ailment.
She could be:
Addicted
Children of alcoholic or drug-using mothers come second to her bottle or pills.
She may be:
Secretly mean
Have a public face and a private self. She pretends to be loving in public, but she’s cruel at home.
Or,
Emotionally needy
All narcissist mothers are, but some especially so.
They’re the ones whose children need to focus on them – to calm them, pander to them or solve Mum’s problems. All whilst denying their own needs and feelings.
She may affect siblings in different ways, albeit she’ll value all for what they do, not who they are.
One may become the Overachiever.
I’ll show you I’m worthy
That’s what she’ll tell herself and keep trying to do just that.
She’ll work hard and keep chasing more and more success to gain her mother’s love. She’s hoping to get the validation she needs to fill the emptiness she has inside.
But, this creates anxiety too, as she senses external validation can just as easily be taken away. She has to keep on accomplishing.
She’s busy, busy, busy, perhaps a workaholic. But, as she never feels good enough, she suffers from Imposter Syndrome.
Another sibling may be the polar opposite – the Underachiever.
The one who gives up. What’s the point? She’s never good enough, she’ll always be a ‘failure’ in Mum’s eyes.
This daughter will go on to self-sabotage. Numbing the pain with addictions – substance abuse, food addictions, and the like. A self-destructive lifestyle.
Narcissistic families are disconnected emotionally. Mum is the centre of the family universe. Dad revolves around her.
He knows he has to take the supporting role. He accepts it as he’s learned it’s easier to take the path of least resistance.
He enables her. It’s an unspoken pact. He focuses on her. He tends to her needs. So, he neglects his daughters’ as well.
Everyone in the family comes second to Mum.
Daughters of narcissist mothers learn to repress their feelings and needs. In favour of hers.
They’re left grappling to work out how to gain her love and approval.
But she will never get it for who she is, only for how she makes mum feel.
[bctt tweet=”When she can’t please her narcissist mother Mum, a child starts to feel there’s a problem within herself. She is unworthy, unlovable. ” username=”vivian_mcgrath”]
A daughter of a narcissist mother doesn’t learn boundaries. She can’t state what she needs in relationships.
She does learn how to hide pain and keep up the pretense and image that everything is okay.
All healthy relationships become skewed from this point on.
As adults, daughters of narcissist mothers become people pleasers.
You think that if you people please, you’ll earn the love and respect you crave.
But, this learning to please others, at the expense of yourself will have a negative impact on future relationships.
So will those inner voices that replay Mum’s voice in your head.
Not good enough
I’m not good enough, you think.
They weaken your confidence and self-esteem.
When you look in the mirror you can’t see yourself. Your reflection is how your mother sees you. You take those internal negative messages with you into adulthood.
This is why daughters of narcissist mothers so often choose partners who can’t meet their emotional needs.
When the first hope of love is there, she will see the warning signs. But, she’ll ignore them. Override her gut feelings.
She’s attracted to what’s familiar to her. In a sense, there’s unfinished business. She’s unconsciously recreating her unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic. It feels right to her.
She feels the narcissistic partner needs her. To nurture and mother him and that makes her feel good.
Her parents abandoned her emotionally as a child and she knows how painful that feels. If she chooses a man she can rescue and control, she thinks: he’s dependent on her, he needs her. He won’t leave her.
He’s safe and predictable too. Like her mum, he can’t be emotionally intimate and vulnerable with her. Someone who can be, she’s not used to. It scares her.
She seeks love and approval from someone who can’t give it to her.
A man like her mother will never fulfil her emotional needs either.
The day I realised my ex would never fulfil mine, was when I knew I had to heal my wounded inner child.
I had to accept maternal narcissistic traits are passed down the generations. My mother had a mother who was unable to fulfil her emotional needs as a child.
She can’t deal with her own emotions. She was never going to cope with mine.
I could see the good things she gave me and there are many. I love her dearly. But, I had to accept and grieve I would never have a healthy mother/daughter relationship with her. At least not on an emotional level.
I had to let go and fill the emptiness I felt inside myself.
As long as I saw myself as unworthy and unlovable, I would continue to seek men who treated me as such.
Once you recognise the source of emotional neglect as a child, you can process it and start to heal it.
First by allowing those feelings you’ve denied for so long to come to the surface. Once you’re in an environment that’s safe enough to do so.
I left my Ex and focussed on myself. I got support.
I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt.
When you’ve repressed your feelings for most of your lifetime, letting them out is agony.
Anger, shame, fear – it will pour out. Trauma is difficult to heal from.
Little by little you fill that hole you have inside with self-love.
Learn that the image you have of yourself not being good enough is wrong. It’s a skewed perception.
But, you can change it.
Ask yourself who am I? What are my true values, beliefs and goals? What are my strengths? What am I good at?
Surround yourself with only those who bring out the best in you. Who aligns with the best of who you are.
I am good enough. You are good enough.
Keep saying this until you believe it:
I am good enough. I am worth it.
You are good enough.
If you say it often enough, it will come. So will a partner who treats you as worthy.
And if they don’t you won’t need them anyway. You’ll know you are enough. You always were.
Are you the daughter of a narcissistic mother? How has it affected you in adulthood? Let me know in the comments below.
Recommended reading:
Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
How to heal from distant, rejecting or self-involved parents
Lindsay C. Gibson
I’ll look for it and have a read. I’m glad you’re a survivor too and hope life is great now?
My mother was a narcissist… God just saying that makes it hard for me to swallow I’m just starting to try to come to terms with everything… there is so much to my story and yet it’s nothig really new when you read the stories because they all boil down to her being a narcissistic mother.
Sorry to hear this. This can really impact you as an adult, particularly in relationships. If you haven’t read this book it’s worth doing so.
Thank you so much for this article, it truly blessed me! Thank you for understanding! For years, I have always thought something was unhealthy about my mother’s behavior towards us when we were children. For years, I thought something was wrong with me because I never really wanted to accept the behavior as being a “new normal.” Her narcissism actually intensified and got worse as my brothers and I entered adulthood. She became extremely harsh and critical towards me since I was her only daughter and dared to become independent. For years, I pleaded with relatives to see beyond “that’s just her personality.” Most of my memories of my mom were traumatizing. Even now, as an adult I struggle subconsciously with having children of my own because I never want my kids to experience that toxicity in a mother. Even now, I struggle with explaining to people why I have boundaries with my momma. Therapy literally saved my life and educated me to the fact that my mother’s behavior was/is toxic and that there is actually a name for it…narcissism. I have come a long way in healing and parenting myself into becoming an awesome woman but I still have a long road ahead. It’s tough grieving the death of the relationship with my mother even though she is still alive. Mother’s Day is one of that hardest holidays for me simply because I don’t have those nurturing memories or moments with a loving mom.
I’m sorry to hear this but so glad you have been getting help and support to work through it and break the cycle. Keep working on healing and nurturing yourself as the stronger you get, the easier it will become.
My name is Stacie Ann. I’m 18 years old. After reading this, it is clear to me that my mother is the engulfing mother.
She chooses everything for me. My beliefs in god. I’m too scared to express that I want to go to a different church because of how she will react. She will be so mean and criticize me. I MUST agree with everything she does, if I don’t… then she’ll make it clear how unhappy I make her.
My love life. I was never allowed to date. I’m going to be 19 and even now I’m not allowed to date even though I’m an adult.
I think the only reason I’ve let this part go on is because I’m not attracted to boys my age. I’m attracted to men. This probably because of my father as I have clear daddy issues.
This is who I am. I don’t have anything in common with boys my age.
I can’t force myself too.
My mom kinda knows I feel this way but if we watch a movie or see in public a older man with a younger girl- she is sure to comment on how disgusting it is.
It kills me inside. Because I know one day when I do find a man I love, she will think I’m disgusting.
I’m a very modest girl. Of coarse I like to look cute. However, if I wear a shear t shirt with only a sports bra underneath she comments on how i shouldn’t be wearing it. And it’s like 100 degrees outside and I’m walking dogs.
I feel not allowed to be myself.
I clean a lot. I’m expected to do everything in the home. And if i don’t do it perfectly to her expectations, I’m a failure.
I have pets. They aren’t only my pets. They belong to my whole family. Yet I’m the only one that cleans after them which is fine but she will criticize how she wold do it better or a different way.
There’s more to say but this is the jist. I feel not enough and I know it follows me in life with everything.
Not feeling good enough does impact our adult life in many negative ways. I would urge you to consider help and support to build your self-esteem and work through why you feel this way as it is key to everything. You can rewrite the internal script that drives your life and change your future. You are young so it’s the best time to do this. I would suggest working on yourself first, before dating too. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Okay, I’ve always been under the impression that little girls seek out the same person their father is. I worship my father and I agree that my worship of my very sweet but distant father has led me to be attracted to other very distant, usually narcissistic men. I didn’t really believe that was really the cause, though. I never considered my mother being much of the cause but as Im reading this (as I’m trying to get away from my narcissist boyfriend), I realized suddenly how much of a narcissist she is. She’s not grandiose or outrageous about it but I can’t remember a lot of praise but I do remember a lot of putting me down in her gentle way. “It’s probably good that you quit ballet, honey, you never would’ve been a professional.” “Yes, you look good but don’t get a big head about it.” “Well, why would he say that to you? What did you do?” Those things that makes me wonder why I was always upset around her. Everyone else told me I was overreacting, too. Shouldn’t I have wanted some encouragement? Always unimpressed. And it is ALWAYS about her. I was in ICU from a random act of violence and I didn’t want her around because it would’ve been about how upset she was. She held onto that for YEARS. She was upset that she “wasn’t invited to the stabbing.” Her words. My attraction to men who love-bomb me makes more and more sense now. Thank you!!!!
I’m so glad this has been helpful and glad that you can see things for what they are. Self-awareness is an important part of healing.
Thank you for this article! My mother is a narcissist and sociopath. Her abuse and neglect always ensured a miserable childhood. When things started to go well, she would soon thereafter ruin any joy or self-esteem. It became sickeningly predictable. I turned to alcohol, weed, LSD, etc. starting at the very young age of 14. I have recently attributed and connected this horrid abuse to my self-loathing, shame, emptiness, self-doubt, depression, etc. etc. that I struggle with daily. I am fed up with her abuse lingering in my subconscious. Aside from books and articles, I would love some insight on how to love myself and enjoy this life.
I’m so sorry to hear this, Alanna. It takes time to build self-esteem and replace the limiting beliefs with positive ones but it’s possible. Self-awareness is key. Listen to your inner voice and call it out when it is saying negative thoughts about yourself. For example, if you tell yourself ‘you’re so stupid’. Replace it with something like: ‘I said something a bit silly, but that doesn’t mean I am stupid’. Tell yourself positive affirmations every day. I am beautiful, kind, a good friend, funny…I love my body the way it is… whatever you like. Get in the practice of seeing the positive sides of yourself. Do one nice thing for yourself every day too. Self-care is really important. I am about to launch a free video workshop series and live webinar in which I talk a lot about finding our who you really are in your subconscious mind and rewiring it to find your most confident, authentic self. How to embody confidence, overcome fears and create the life you dream of. If you have subscribed to my Blog/website you’ll receive emails in around 2 weeks’ time telling you how to sign up for the free workshop. I think it would be very relevant to you and you’ll learn a lot.
Reading this and can relate to it so much. I don’t feel my mum has ever loved us. She loves to be a victim and always claims that she hates her kids and I honestly don’t know what we’ve done wrong.
Mothers day is always a very awkward day. I have finally realised she will never change and my life will be better without her.
Sadly, sometimes you have to grieve the loss of the mother you never had or will have in the traditional sense or fantasy mother in our heads. Do what is best for you.
Hi
I like your video.
I’m the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I learned to recognize this and I learned to break the patterns of my negative thoughts (for the most part).
At the moment I’m in a relationship with the girl of my dreams. I recognize the effects of a narcissistic mother on my girlfriend. Her self image is so low, she is such a people pleaser and she has pushed her own needs and emotions so far away that she can’t even access them. She feels empty and our relationship is suffering from it.
She still lives at home (with her mom). She’s at this stage where she is convinced the way she thinks about herself is solely due to her character and it has nothing what so ever to do with her upbringing.
How can I make her see that her mom doesn’t always have her best interest at heart. That the emptiness she feels isn’t just part of her but can be changed?
In your video you mention the first step is recognizing it. How do I get her towards this first step?
I’ve tried waiting for her to realize it on her own. I’ve tried dropping subtle hints. I’ve tried questioning some of her mother’s behavior (e.g. the body shaming). But she just justifies everything her mom does and blames the way she’s ‘wired’ for the way she feels about herself/life. I’ve used my own experiences in the hopes she would recognize them. But then she lashes out, starts to defend my mom and blames me for problematizing everything.
I hope you can give me some advise.
Sincerely,
Katie
Katie, I’m sorry for the delayed response but I was unable to access my site. I’m afraid you can’t make her see anything she isn’t ready to see. You can’t change anyone other than you. The only thing you may do is lead by example, showing her what a strong sense of self-worth and boundaries are. Be careful not to fall into the role of her therapist or rescuer as that is what we do when we are codependent. Ask yourself if this relationship is fulfilling your needs? Staying in a relationship in the hope someone will change may mean you wait for a long time. What if she doesn’t change?
Both of my parents are as you describe, my sister is the over schiever, i am the self destructive, in the dynamic. It’s tiring, difficult, the day to day, as I educate myself, becomes a world of isolation in my adulthood. My parents have blamed me, criticized me, insulted me, neglected me, ignored me, and left me to grow up by myself.
I’m so sorry to hear this. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
I’m 34 years old, and a mother of twin boys myself, but tonight I found myself crying because of a Facebook post where my father praised my brother and called him his diamond child. It cut, deep. My mother told me she never really wanted me, that I was fat and that no man would ever want me. That I would still roll down the street like a pig. I’m just like my father’s sister, and my father is ashamed to be seen with me or admit I’m his daughter due to my weight. Currently I’m constantly being told of my sister in law’s 22 kilogram weight loss. I don’t even want to go home for Christmas as I will only have to hear how fat I am again. Nothing I do will ever be enough, I am only good enough when she needs money, as the diamond child won’t help them. Irony, my oldest brother has 2 degrees, I finished high school with 5 distinctions and the diamond child didn’t finish school. We (oldest brother and myself) have steady jobs, diamond child jumps from job to job. Yet he has always been the loved one, the one they brag about. I am coming to the realization that the 2 of us will never be enough, and that it’s not our fault, but it still hurts like hell. How do I fix the damage my own mother inflicted? Blowing my self esteem to smithereens, and me ending up in relationships with men who wasn’t good for me, because I believed I would never get anyone better.
I’m so sorry to hear this Suene as this is so harsh. Become the parent to the child inside you you never had yourself. Nurture that child within and tell her she is lovable and worthy.
Both of my parents are as you describe, my sister is the over achiever, I am the self destructive, in the dynamic. It’s tiring, difficult, the day to day, as I educate myself, becomes a world of isolation in my adulthood. My parents have blamed me, criticized me, insulted me, neglected me, ignored me, and left me to grow up by myself.
Admitting my mom is narcissistic and not wanting to put up with it anymore
has been the breakthrough of my lifetime.
My father died 20 months ago and they had been married 56 years.
Since then I have come to realize she’s without her support system and , therefore, has become unchecked.
Her true self, because of grief and the distillation that comes with age, has surfaced.
Dad must have reined her in daily.
I never wanted to see my mom as a narcissistic.
One time,after some dreadful thing had happened to me, I went to my older sister and cried that our mother wouldn’t even hug me or say she was sorry for my pain.
My sister said,” Mom is the kind of person who would step on your foot and say,
“I’m sorry your foot hurts.””
I understood that but didn’t want to believe.
I love my mother, but it’s time to stop the constant feeling that I’m doing something wrong.
Thanks for your insight 👌
Judy
It’s hard to admit this I know as it then means grieving the mother you’ll never have. It’s important to put your needs first now and don’t feel guilt. You did the best you could.
The question “Does she top your feelings with those of her own?” went straight through my heart! My mother doesn’t top just my feelings, she tops up anything, any comment about anything and I mean anything, because she knows better. Even she doesn’t leave the house for days. I don’t remember when was the last time she read a book or watched some interesting TV . Or went to theater or had a friend for a dinner. But her house is spotless. And if I am staying with her I have to go through ritual of endless cleaning.
I’m so ashamed of her. Angry. And feel like failure because of my anger. It stops me fulfilling my own dreams.
Please don’t feel guilt for how you feel or a failure. You are not. You deserve to be loved by her and if she is stopping you from fulfilling your dreams then you have a choice to put you first for once.
I know that the best thing to do would be to keep distance from her to get a hold of my bearings and try to keep myself sane. However, I still fear that she may no longer love me if I choose to keep my distance. Every time I try to discuss with her or blatantly let her know that I dislike something that she did, she denies it (which adds to my frustration). It pains me that I have to keep doing this because I want to be close to her, but at the same time I can’t always “forgive and forget” when she does something wrong.
This was a relatabel read, by the way; makes me feel less alone in this situation so thanks!
I’m so glad it’s helped. I know the pain you are feeling. Try to stay strong and put your needs first.
Thank you so much for this post! For the longest time, I thought I was alone in this and that everything I was feeling was over exaggerated and made up and that I only had myself to blame in that I was unable to obtain my mother’s approval. I thought that I was hallucinating a different person that was my mother because others had nothing but good things to say about her character and work ethic and she herself always discussed her achievements and hard work. While I thought it annoying that she constantly talked about herself and her achievements/experiences, became dismissive over conversations I tried to start with her, and constantly pointed out my faults, I have always thought that this was simply a characteristic of my culture and that it was how life was. For the longest time, I knew something was wrong and I tried and failed to convey it to her, saying that I am not like her and that this was how I felt, yielding no results when presenting my grievances.
I realize that a lot of the points you have presented in this presents themselves in my mother and I have never been so grateful that this article has given me the words to describe my mother and how I have been feeling because of her.
Thank you again.
Im estranged from my mother and have been for a few years, I finally found peace after a whilwind of a childhood.
I never felt like i belonged anywhere, my mother saw me as an extension of herself that she could control and beat for even the slightest mistake. This went on into my early 20’s where she forced me to buy her ex partners house as she had no where to live, she would come and go as she pleased and never helped with the bills. The final straw was her trying to hurt me as an adult pushing me around the bedroom and through the wardrobe doors. I sold the house and went travelling, for a year and a half we never spoke. Until I had my first child and with in an instant her behaviour started again, she had no care for my child like she did me and he got very badly burnt in her care just as I did as a child. That for me was the end of contact and I never wish to see her again.
This post resonated with me as like other people say, you think it is you and not them, thats how they make you feel about yourself. Almost like you are crazy and that no one would beleive your story if you told them. I also think this has contributed to me going from abusive relationships to another.
My love goes out to all the daughters of these narcissistic women.
I’m so sorry to hear this Rebecca but glad you have seen this for what it is, as sad as that is, and found freedom. Sending love right back to you.
I am grateful for this article, but although my mother fits every descrition above..i feel guilty that im even searching for the words to describe how i feel when im with her. For all my years i have been treated differently from my brothers. Being the only girls i had to giveup things that i enjoyed to make her happy, so she can give to my family even if it displeases me. I learnt from young that this made her happy, so most of my earnings was for her. I guess i was trying to buy her love. (Even now writing this i see how sckrewed this is) All my achievements falls in the shadow of my siblings, i was always confused why couldnt she love and accept me, and all that i did for myself. My mom had been persistent to destroy my 12 year relationship because she sees how peaceful and happy i am with him. Everyday she will tell me that he doesnt want me and for me to sell my house and stay at home with her..and for years i have believed her and most times i inflicted hurt in my relationship because i believed her hurtful words despite he showing me unconditional love.
I am amazed at how much i have learnt from this article..it even hurt a little.
Writing this post is like a confession of its own kind because i have never analyzed my relationship with my mother. I have just accepted her because she is ageable and i dont want to loose her. Maybe its guilt..i really need help..all this seems overwhelming and sad.
Sorry to hear this. You should definitely read: Will I ever be good enough – Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.
Well, this explains A LOT. All this time (59 going on 60 years), I thought it was me.
Thank you so much for making a complex topic easy to understand. It was very healing for me. I related to all of it.
My mom and dad have narcissistic traits. I gave up on their love and acceptance long ago though the loss still hurts very much. Sometimes it feels as if they are dead and I am in mourning.
Spending time with them, having meals cooked for me or receiving gifts from them or seeing them play with my son, it’s like the feelings of home and love are almost within reach yet at the same time they are so far away.
That is when I grieve the hardest. When I get close to what could be if only, if only things were different. If only they let me into their lives in a real way, and if only they wanted to be part of mine. If only we didn’t feel like strangers to each other. If only they thought I was special, not to the world but to them.
If only my brother spoke to me and made eye contact with me and smiled at me. My brother who seems to have cast me aside in an effort to survive the confusing, painful morass of our childhood.
Coping with the pain of a broken family has claimed many years of my life, but it’s not all bad. Facing the pain has helped me heal and grow. And my son will know his mother’s love.