Dating too soon? Are you dating when you’re insecure or lonely? Or for the wrong reasons? That’s never going to lead you to happy, fulfilling relationships.
Every day I get comments sent to my Blog or I receive emails. I hear the same story over again. From those who leave abusive relationships and go straight into another relationship – only to find that person is not good for them either.
They wonder why they repeat the pattern of choosing the wrong type of partner.
The simple answer: they’re dating too soon.
Dating too soon
It’s important not to be dating too soon. Not to be dating when lonely. And not to be dating for the wrong reasons.
When you’re in an abusive relationship your emotions are numbed. You suppress your feelings because it’s not safe to have any. You’re walking on eggshells, being careful not to do or say the wrong thing. You’re trying to keep the peace.
An abusive person’s needs and wellbeing always come first and they will ignore yours. If you question this they’ll gaslight or stonewall you. Tell you you’re selfish. You’re also immersed in so much chaos and drama, there’s no room for any feeling.
So, when you come out of that relationship and away from the chaos and drama. When you’re still and it’s safer to feel emotions. Away from verbal abuse for having any. You start to feel again. All those emotions pour out.
It’s terrifying and painful because you’re not used to these feelings.
If you add the abusive person hoovering you, begging you to come back and promising to change. Telling you they love you and need you. It’s easier to go back to them than to feel that pain.
We often just go straight back to them. Even though we know that nice loving side of them is not going to last long and the abuse will return.
It’s still easier to have one more hug to numb the pain. Than go through the agony of leaving that abusive relationship.
Or we go into the arms of somebody else and hope they’re going to be different. We think and believe they’re going to be different but they end up hurting us too.
Dating for the wrong reasons
We’re dating for the wrong reasons. We’re using these people to anesthetise us, to dull the pain we’re feeling from being on our own.
I call it the ‘new boyfriend (or girlfriend) replacement therapy’.
It hurts so much when you’re breaking up with a narcissist. If you don’t go back to them, you’re likely to rebound into another relationship. To anesthetise the pain of losing them. Replace it with the excitement and joy of a brand new relationship again.
This is never going to be a path to happy healthy relationships. You’re dating for the wrong reason. You’re dating too soon.
You need to feel those feelings and process them to heal. Not be numb to them again.
As painful as those feelings are, you need to go through the withdrawal. Feel the anger. The loneliness. The insecurity and fear.
Why? Because you need to look hard at yourself.
We don’t go into these types of abusive relationships in isolation. We repeat the pattern for a reason.
It wasn’t all bad luck or chance that got you there. We also play a role in it.
Somewhere as children are emotional needs weren’t fully met. We have deep seated insecurities. Low self-esteem and also a fear of abandonment.
These unhealthy relationships are what feels familiar to us from childhood. We are replicating dysfunctional patterns to try to conquer them.
If we subconsciously choose someone who we see as damaged and needy, then we can go into the role of their Saviour. We can rescue them. But, it’s a diversion. A smokescreen.
If we can focus on them, then we don’t have to focus on us. Face the fact it is we who are also damaged and insecure. We need fixing ourselves.
The pain we feel when we’re leaving a narcissist or abusive relationship. The pain that hurts so much. This is the pain of our deeply wounded inner child. We need to face it, to heal it.
Going into another relationship before we do this is never going to heal us. You’re just prolonging it, putting it off and not facing yourself.
I know that sounds hard and painful. It is. But it’s also liberating.
When you are dating too soon. When you’re using someone else to numb your pain. You are letting your entire happiness depend on another person.
Your worth is determined only when someone loves you, is having sex with you or paying you attention. That’s a fickle way of maintaining your wellbeing.
Your happiness depends on the mood and behaviour of another person.
Wouldn’t it be more liberating to know that all you need is to be happy within yourself?
If you are then a happy relationship with another person is just a bonus?
[bctt tweet=”Dating too soon? Are you dating when you’re insecure or lonely? Or for the wrong reasons? That’s never going to lead you to happy, fulfilling relationships. ” username=”beingunbeatable”]
Don’t date too soon.
Be still with yourself after leaving a narcissist or abusive relationship. As hard and as painful as it is.
Feel those feelings and identify how they came to be within you as a child. Get support and help if you need to. I’ve listed domestic abuse resources here.
Work on your self-esteem. Put your needs first. Your well-being first and don’t let your happiness depend on other people.
Find happiness within you first. Once you do that you won’t need to depend on others for it. You’ll be whole and secure within yourself.
When you do start dating again, you won’t start attracting these damaged, needy people. Who need you to rescue them. If you do, you’ll know you’re worth more than that if they hurt you.
You’ll start attracting healthier types of relationships. People who are good for you and don’t abuse you.
You’ll have a good chance of finding fulfillment and long term happiness that way.
Don’t date too soon, particularly after an abusive relationship. Don’t date for the wrong reasons. Don’t date when you are lonely.
Take time to be still and just work on yourself. Building self-esteem is key. The rest will follow.
Are you dating too soon? Do you keep choosing the wrong partners? Those who hurt you? Let me know in the comments below.
Trackbacks/Pingbacks