Dating rules. I wish I had these when I was young!

When I first clapped eyes on my ex at a party, he was standing on his own in the corner of a room.

He looked up at me with his baby blue eyes and it was love at first sight.

The trouble was it was the wrong kind of love and he was the wrong type of guy. I ended up in an abusive relationship and almost lost my life!

There are so many things I know now that I wish I’d known back then.

A ‘How to Date’ manual or some dating rules would have been nice.

Many of you ask me how I got it so right with the man I’m married to now.

How can you trust again? How do you know a person’s right for you?

So here are my dating rules. My How to Date Guide:

First date rules

1. Never date when you’re lonely

You’ll have an invisible ‘desperate’ sign on your forehead that’s a beacon for those who are out to take advantage of you.

Trust me, Scam Artists, Narcissists and other not-so-nice people can detect someone who is low in self-esteem from miles away. They’ll be onto you like bees to honey.

They’ll mirror you and tell you what they believe you want to hear, such as they’ll never cheat on you or they’re wanting children soon too (which may be exactly what older women dating might want to hear as their body clock is screaming at them).

They’ll take advantage of any weakness they detect and convince you they’re the person you’ve been waiting for. The man or woman of your dreams.

If they hook you in, then their mask will slip and you’ll see a whole different side to them.

Spend some time being still with yourself first. Work on finding self-love and a high sense of self-worth.

If your self worth is low, you’ll attract those who treat you as worthless.

If you feel unlovable, you’ll attract those who won’t love you as you deserve.

Love yourself as much as you want others to love you.

Take time out between relationships to find YOU again.

Never date when lonely!

2. Don’t project onto first dates

Within minutes of meeting my ex I was telling myself ‘He’s the One!’ with a capital ‘O’.

The One I’d been waiting for.

I projected a fantasy image onto him of who I thought he was and how much he would fulfil my dreams.

The problem is this is fantasy blocking out reality. When you do this, you don’t observe who they really are.

Worse, you ignore any warning signs that don’t fit into that ideal you have in your head and have projected onto them.

So, the next of my dating rule is: Don’t project onto anyone who you think and hope they are.

Stay still and watch them as you would a film.

People show you who they are very early on. You just need to be still, listen and observe.

Casual dating rules

The next of my dating rules is this:

3. Don’t ignore any warning signs

When you listen to a person and observe their behavior, any red flags will be there right at the start.

Do they bad mouth their ex on a first date and play the victim?

Do they make excuses, such as forgetting their wallet, to avoid paying their share?

Are they love-bombing you – coming on too hard, fast and familiar too soon?

My ex told me a sob story of past relationships and a difficult past. I immediately felt sorry for him.

It made me overlook some of the red flags he was also revealing to me.

He needs me

Butterflies in your stomach, I now realise, aren’t a sign that this is love. It’s your gut telling you something’s not right.

Our gut instincts are there to protect us. They detect danger before we’re even consciously aware of it.

If your stomach starts churning a little, don’t override it.

Listen to what it’s telling you and don’t minimise anything your instincts say.

Don’t ignore any warning signs that tell you this relationship is not right for you.

4. Don’t go into rescue mode

You don’t want a child for an intimate partner do you?

So, don’t go into rescue mode and slip into a mother or father role.

That’s what I did. I felt sorry for my ex.

When I saw the wounded child inside him, I thought he just needed someone to rescue him.

I’ll make up for all those people who’ve let him down in the past. I’ll love him more than anyone has.

What I didn’t realise was it was like loving a bucket with holes in it.

No matter how much I proved I love him, it was never enough.

No matter how much I changed my behavior to try to make him happy, it was an impossible task.

I was never going to change him.

Worse, the more the fantasy man I had projected onto him slipped away from sight, the more desperate I became trying to find him again.

Dating rule four: if there are any hints that this person needs rescuing or fixing run a mile!

If they’re looking for a mother or father figure, forget it.

Find a real man or women, not a child.

5. Do you like them?

The next of my dating rules sounds obvious, but it wasn’t for me!

I was so in lust with my ex that I ignored the fact we had little in common.

The fact he was so devastatingly handsome overshadowed the gut feelings I had that he wasn’t right for me.

If I’m honest, even very early on, there were things I didn’t like about him.

If you love someone but don’t like them, it’s not a recipe for a lasting relationship.

Common values and beliefs, shared goals are key to that.

First date rules:

Ask yourself the simple question: do I like this person?

6. Do they make you laugh?

When my husband and I started dating, my best friend said to me:

Thank goodness you find each other funny, as no-one else does!

We found this hilarious.

Many years later, our sons didn’t. They thought we were ridiculously juvenile!

Then one of them recently took it back.

He said he loved how much fun we have together and hopes one day he’ll be a part of a team like we are.

Laughter has seen us through incredible adventures, hard times and painful ones.

We still muck around like kids, even at our age.

If we ever have an argument, it doesn’t last long as we end up finding it too hilarious to sustain.

I’m sure when we’re old and in a nursing home, no-one will find us funny there either.

That won’t matter, as long as we do!

Find someone who makes you laugh. Laughter really is the best medicine. It glues us together too.

7. If it’s meant to be it will be

When I first met the man I’m married to now I knew my track record with men wasn’t great. After all, the guy before him almost murdered me!

I made a pact with myself that a) I wasn’t going to be desperate and b) I wasn’t going to chase anyone.

The first night I met him he had the most beautiful, warm smile.

Although I thought he was gorgeous and friendly, I didn’t project onto him this time.

I was able to be still, listen and see him for the man he was showing himself to be.

I didn’t get caught up in some stupid fantasy of him I had in my head. I just stayed in the moment and enjoyed his company.

What I saw was a lovely, well adjusted guy.

My gut didn’t stir. There were no red flags warning me of danger.

It was such a lovely evening, but I was also able to let go and walk away at the end of it.

I was content with having had a great night, even if I never saw him again.

If it’s meant to be it will be. If it’s not then I’m okay without a man.

When first dating, let go. Be still, listen and observe.

Then trust that if it’s meant to be it will be. If not, then you’ve probably dodged a bullet!

7. You are enough

If anything this is the most important of my dating rules: knowing you are enough.

It was only when I realised I was enough with or without a man that I found the right kind of love and the perfect man.

I felt worthy and so I attracted a man who treated me that way.

I knew I was lovable and he loves me, like Mr Darcy, just the way I am.

On a first date, if you sense that you deserve better than the person sitting opposite you do yourself a favour, politely make your excuses and leave.

Don’t lower your standards because you are projecting something they’re not onto them.

Assess them as you would a job you’re going for. Don’t settle for less. Ask:

Do they share the same core values and beliefs I do? Do they bring out the best in me and I in them?

Trust that if you focus on your needs and wellbeing first, the rest will come.

Always know that you are enough. Only ever accept the best for yourself.

Online dating rules

If you would like some more specific online dating rules and how to stay safe, you can find them here.