When you leave an abusive or narcissistic person, the withdrawal feels as painful as weaning off heroin. It did for me, at least.
What happens is that you’ve been numb for so long. You’ve not been allowed to feel any emotions. If you do you’re told you’re ‘too sensitive’ or what you’re feeling is wrong. Or any emotion you’ve expressed has been twisted to hurt you.
So, you’ve stopped feeling anything long ago. You stopped trusting your gut. You’ve put their needs and pains above your own. You’ve been numb.
Now, you’ve left that abusive relationship, suddenly a flood of emotions pour out at once. I have never sobbed like that before in my life.
I was so overwhelmed by the rawness of them.
I call this thawing out. It happens because now we’re away from them, it’s safe to release our emotions that have been pent up for so long. And as we’re away from the chaos and drama we’re still with ourselves for the first time – we’re not obsessively focussed on them.
As painful as I know they are, you need to feel these emotions. You need to thaw out. To go cold turkey and feel the pain, in order to recover.
Firstly you will feel totally devastated. Utter despair, absolute shock and disbelief.
I felt empty, I barely wanted to get out of bed and face the day. I left physically sick. I couldn’t eat. It’s as if we are going cold-turkey from a chemical addiction.
Psychologically, you are extremely raw and vulnerable. Some people may feel so overwhelmed they even have thoughts of suicide.
You may feel you deserve this. That you are worthless. You are nobody without him. Emotions will rise to the surface that you’ve never felt before and it is incredibly painful. It hurts like hell.
You may still go into denial. You start to convince yourself that he or (she’s) living a happy life without you. They might even be flaunting a new partner on Social Media.
So, you feel the need to prove that you’re having a great time too, because then they might want you back? You might go out drinking, partying, having mindless sex, in huge efforts to convince yourself and him that you are okay.
You even harbour thoughts of going back to them. (Or you may try to replicate your previous relationship with another abusive one).
You may also feel intense jealousy. You become obsessed with finding out who they are with, are they sleeping with anyone? It only adds to your feelings of not being good enough and a failure. Perhaps they were only like that with me?
You may also feel shame. Too often we hide the extent of domestic abuse. We minimise to others and deny to ourselves, just how bad the situation we are in is. There is a deep feeling of embarrassment and shame. Partly, as we believe it is our fault.
When I left, I felt I’d failed in my marriage. I was embarrassed. How could I have got myself into a violent relationship? Why didn’t I walk away sooner? I felt shame that my child had been exposed to his anger. And how other people would look at me.
I even remember one time where two old ladies loudly declared something along the lines of how disgusted they were at how young some mothers were. I felt so ashamed.
I also had moments where I felt guilt. I still believed he needed me and feared what would happen to him after I left. Then when he tried to commit suicide, a psychiatrist even phoned me to tell me he needed to see me. That my leaving him was what had caused it. Thankfully, I was strong enough to know by then that I wasn’t to blame for his actions.
It’s hard enough when we feel guilt of our own. But often they are very good at manipulating other people to believe they are the victim too. That we’re the crazy ones. We also may feel guilt about our children. How they’ve been exposed and affected by the abusive relationship. And we didn’t protect them enough from it.
There were moments when I wanted to run back to him as I felt intense loneliness; the despair in the pit of my stomach when I thought about never seeing him ever again was gut-wrenching. I believed I would never find happiness again, that it was too late for me.
I honestly believed no man would ever love me, particularly when I was only 23 and had another man’s child. I convinced myself that men who would want a girl my age, would want children of their own, not take on a step-child. I was wrong, by the way.
You go through periods where self-doubt creeps in. Particularly, when you start to go back over old texts or emails and analysing them in minute detail. ‘They really did love and need me’, you think. ‘Perhaps I was a bit cold towards them. I exaggerated things, like they say’. You may even convince yourself that it was you who ruined the relationship.
There will be times when anger overwhelms you. How could they have emotionally and/or physically abused me like that? You finally see them for who they really are. How you were used, manipulated, and brainwashed by them. And you’ll feel angry at yourself for being so stupid as to have ignored the warning signs. ‘Why didn’t I just walk away’?
It may hit you hard when you realise how much you have lost, including your innocence. Now you wonder who you can trust. Your dreams of a wonderful future together have been shattered. You shut yourself off, you can’t sleep yet you can barely get out of bed. It’s important to seek professional help if you are experiencing any signs of depression. Or if you are suffering from Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder, in which case even little things can trigger you.
Thawing out is crucial to recovering from an abusive relationship. In a sense, it’s like going through the stages of grief when you lose someone you love.
First, there’s denial, then sorrow then anger and so on, until there is an eventual acceptance. And you are grieving. The loss of someone you love and the fantasy of what you thought that relationship might be in your head.
If you have recently left a controlling, emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship, I won’t lie, the next days, weeks and months will be hard. A range of emotions will flood you to the point where, at times, you’ll feel like you’re drowning. It will hurt like hell. And that is when you’ll be at your weakest. That’s when you’ll be tempted to go back to them or straight into someone else’s arms. Whatever you do, please, don’t do that.
Your self-esteem will be at a low point. You are coming out of a relationship where you’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster. This is not the time to look to anyone else to make you feel better. It’s important you stay still with yourself and feel them. Every single emotion, no matter how hard.
There is no easy way of getting around it. It’s going to hurt. And it’s going to hurt a lot. But, I promise you, it’s far better than staying numb.
Getting through this tunnel of pain, this withdrawal, this thawing out phase is the hardest part. But, once you get past that stage, your life will change.
If you work through the pain, instead of trying to numb it by going back to them or into another relationship, you limit the chances of your feelings coming back to haunt you later on.
The pain won’t last forever. Time is your best friend. And the lessons you will learn from this will allow you to grow and become a better person.
Are you going through the pain of withdrawing from an abusive relationship? What is the hardest part? Let me know in the comments below.
If you need professional help, advice or support please see Domestic Violence resources here .
I’m curious about how you left and managed to fade contact with your ex despite having a child with him…The main reason I’m scared to leave my ex entirely is because we have a child together.
It was complicated and a bit too hard to explain here. But ultimately I stopped contact and only dealt through a lawyer, then neutral Third Party. When I stopped fighting he lost interest and visits petered out. He would appear in his life again every now and again, which was hard for my son. Now my son is an adult and has made his own choice regarding this.
Thank you for writing this. I am currently experiencing the aftermath of leaving, and my emotions are all over the place. I’m a wreck and some days it’s hard getting out of bed, but I’m going to trust the process and allow myself to feel everything that I’ve buried deep for months. THANK YOU!!!!
That’s a good way to put it. Trust the process. Feel everything as then you’ll heal. It’s better than suppressing it and numbing yourself. It takes time but know that it is part of healing. You might like to read this post too. Emotional healing: the gift of stillness:
https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-healing-the-gift-of-stillness/ And this one: Emotional wounds are where the light enters you: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-wounds/
I left my husband 2 months ago. I’m scared to admit that I’m still very much in the “numb” phase. Sure I have my moments, but overall I don’t feel much of anything. I found out I was pregnant after I left and that has been another added stressor. Men I’ve had previous relationships within have come back into my life and have honestly caused greater confusion and loneliness because they can’t be what I need. I just feel lost and I know it’s part of the process but it’s daunting. Reading your words has given me hope that all is not lost and life will be restored. Thank you!
I’m so sorry for the delay in responding but I’ve had trouble accessing my site. Sorry too to hear of your struggle. Recovery is hard, it hurts and takes time. You need to heal from within to break the cycle and not fall for the same type over again. Finding a strong sense of self-love, self-worth are key. I hope these posts/videos can help:
Emotional healing: the gift of stillness: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-healing-the-gift-of-stillness/
Emotional wounds are where the light enters you: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-wounds/
Self-worth: why self-esteem and self-love matter: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/self-worth/
I really feel like you are speaking to me. I have and currently am going through this. My ex was mental abusive to me, calling me names and making me feel horrible about myself all the time. I was 8 months pregnant when I found out he had cheated on me. I left him for a while, but I started feeling all these emotions on top of my crazy hormones. And we got back together a few months after the baby was born. I fell for the whole act he put on, of how he’s changed, loves me, wants to be there for the family, and apologized often. It was easier to go back for the support and dream of a future that never came. A few months after we got back together, he got comfortable and started acting the same way. Negative all the time, mean, and emotionally draining. I just left him yesterday, and I feel the freedom that your speaking of, I feel great! But I know from last time, it gets hard, I will start to feel my own feelings, since I can stop focusing on him. It’s going to hurt, I was in the process last time but this time I will be completing it. I want and deserve a better life for myself. I will not let him draw me in, I even worry sometimes about him still because that’s what I’m use to, but I will listen to this video every time I start feeling weak. Because you could do it, I can too. Thank you for making this video.
You do deserve a better life for yourself. Tell yourself this time that although it’s painful and feels like a dark tunnel, you are walking towards the light, that better life for you and your child and freedom. That will feel so great, I can’t begin to describe it. Try to stay strong as if you go back the abuse will get worse. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Thank you for writing this- it was exactly what I was looking to read. I feel intense anger after my recent break-up. It feels like it’s been building up inside me. I found what you wrote so poignant, especially: “when we are away from the chaos and drama, we are still with ourselves.”
The emotions I feel are all over the place: resentment, anger, gratitude and shame.
Technically, we’re “on a break” but I’m pretty certain the relationship was abusive. Toxic at the very least.
I’ve made lists of things he’s done to remind myself that the rage I’m feeling is for a reason.
I’m sorry you went through such a difficult relationship, but I appreciate your sharing your experiences with the world- because it’s shed some light on the path I need to take.
Thank you so much for your kind words Natalie. I know how hard this is, as I’ve been through what you’re going through now. You might also like to check these out:
Emotional healing: the gift of stillness: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-healing-the-gift-of-stillness/
Emotional wounds are where the light enters you: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/emotional-wounds/
I think one of the hardest parts while you are in the early stages of healing, fresh out of the relationship, is having to pretend for most of your day that everything is ok. While you’re at work, when you are in front of your kids, at the grocery store. You want to scream, “I’m not ok! Everything is not ok!” You feel all of that pain, but you need to suppress it because you can’t show it in so many daily situations. I guess it’s like having an injury. You may have broken your foot and it hurts, but you can’t cry in pain at work. Having to go through this hell is hard enough- having to hide it and pretend life is great is harder. I wish we could all go on vacation for a month!
I know that feeling. Have you considered getting help and support via support groups or calling one of the free, anonymous helplines to talk to someone? I joined a support group and it was invaluable having others who knew what I had been through. I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
Hi Vivian, I found this article after searching “Loneliness after leaving an abusive relationship.” The divorce process has been going on for a couple of years, but this is his first weekend where he has taken our kids to stay with him (Friday-Sunday). The loneliness HURTS more than I ever thought it would. it doesn’t help that my mom called me a “hermit.” My social life has revolved around my kids for 7 years (play dates, birthday parties..) as they were always with me. How do I turn this around and find an adult social life? I have some great friends, but they live in distant cities.
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It is hard to get back on your feet. Have you considered joining any support groups? Or going along to Meet Up Groups – there are loads with many different interest groups and age groups. Or volunteering? For example, at an animal shelter that needs dog walkers? The thought of getting out again is harder than once you actually start to get out there. Take the first step and it will get easier.
Wow. You are literally speaking to my soul. I’ve been in an abusive relationship for 7 years and left a year ago and went back somewhat. I’ve left again an involved legal actions this time and I’m so completely done. However, I’m drained and going through so many emotions. I literally just want to cry all day. I’m trying to keep a strong face for my son (with whom I share with the abuser), things are just so hard and unfair at the moment. I know it will get better with time. Your article has made me feel so much better.
I know how painful this is for you. I promise it will get easier with time. Stay strong and look after yourself first.
Thank you for this post. This is exactly what I needed to read today. I am at the very beginning of separating from a very unhealthy and abusive relationship (it’s hard for me to call it abusive, there were really great times). It has only been 5 days and there are legal procedures already in place to stop any communication which brings peace and panic at the same time. I have so many conflicting emotions. Thank you for your post it helps me understand where I am and where I am going with this process.
Stacey
I am so glad you have find me Stacey. I know how hard this is and how much courage and strength you need now. Try to stay strong. Get help and support and keep walking forward and don’t look back. There is a happier and better life waiting for it if you can just get through this toughest part. If you need help and support to work through this I’ve listed some free and anonymous helplines here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/
This is exactly me right now. 5 days in. And it feels like am drowning inside too. Long road but necessary. It’s time to go
Sorry to hear you are struggling. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. Stay strong.
I left a 10 year marriage and 12 year physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship a little over a year ago. We have officially been divorced since July 1st.
Truth is life is so much better. But, feelings have been triggered by knowing of his new relationship. Which kills me inside. I do not want to be with him. But, I think I am sad because I did love him and part of me still does. I didn’t want to leave. I had to leave. I couldn’t continue to put my life or my kids life in danger. But, the pain of loving him and wanting it to work still hurts. I’ve been practicing self love. I’ve haven’t been in a relationship with anyone. I’ve tried dating, but it’s not for me. As much as I want to let someone else in, I can’t. I guess my journey of recovery continues. Even after a year, I need to withdrawal from him. Feel these damned feeling so I can be ready for the type of love that I know I can give and the type of love I deserve. I’ll continue to thaw…even though the pain hurts.
You should be proud of the huge courage and strength you have found and you have done the right thing. You might find this helpful to explain what you are feeling: Fantasy Bond: when you love the person they’ll become: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/fantasy-bond/
I also have a coaching program that you might benefit from as what you are feeling is similar to women I am working with now. You can find out more here: http://www.vivianmcgrath.com/work-with-me/
I have been in a relationship for 9 years through out it all he constantly made me doubt myself he was so secretive; 1 year ago today I found out he had been cheating on me with some girl throughout our entire relationship along with others he ended up getting his side piece pregnant his mother defended his side piece and he never once stood up for me the baby was born in Dec of 2019 here we are March 2020 & even though I thought I couldn’t leave I’m now ready to cut all ties without saying good bye leaving without a word. My heart is aching & I’ve allowed my heart heartache keep Me here as long as it did because he was my comfort; but I have realized I don’t want this anymore he doesn’t love me even when he says he does he said he was stupid yet he never thought about me during his affairs or how it would damage me. I’ve allowed my pain dictate to stay or leave & I simply can’t anymore. Today I am leaving without him knowing cutting all ties we have no children together. I’m scared but I have to believe I will overcome this within time. Thank you for your post.
You will overcome this in time. Put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. Don’t look back.
Hi,
I was in an abusive relationship with my ex partner up until about 3 weeks ago….I was with him for 2 years.
My ex has emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially abused me. He used to block me when I went to see my family or go out with friends and then unblock me a few days later saying ‘I did this because of your attitude’ This happened every couple of months at the beginning but towards the end it was happening every week.
He hated my family, my friends. He didn’t like my dress sense, he told me that I looked like a lesbian on so many occasions, he hated me wearing make up, he hated me wearing jewellery and he really hated me wearing my hair in a bun because he would say that I looked like a chav.
He gaslighted me and said I would say things to him that were nasty… that I never actually said and when I would start to say I never said that, he would get angry and kick me out and call me a liar.
He always said that I emotionally abused him even though I know I didn’t.
He would tell me how insecure I was and he said this to me from the very beginning and I never even picked up on this being a red flag and he would say to me that he was going to fix me because i needed fixing. How can a person you have just met tell you that you need fixing?
He cheated on me but of course that was my fault. He blamed me for ALL the arguments in our relationship and said it was because I had an attitude problem. He was suicidal and depressed because of me…why did he blame me for everything!!
He would tell me how much he hated me and that he couldn’t stand me and then 5 mins later… he would sayI love you so much and I can’t be without you.
He would shower me with gifts and take me on holidays and then after making me feel good, he would ‘break up’ with me and block me for a couple of days/weeks leaving me feeling worthless and thinking what have I done!! And then come back to me and apologise saying I said something that triggered him and he needed space from me and it was my fault.
I was blocked on all social media, he changed his number multiple times and i didn’t have access to his newest one. He wouldn’t give it to me but never gave me a reason why so he only contacted me through messenger or on no called ID.
There is so much more … I just feel so worthless right now because he broke up with me… I called him out on social media which was the wrong platform to do it on and I feel guilty for it…. a mutual friend told him what I put up and since that he ended things with me and blocked me on everything.
I still feel like its my fault even though I know his behaviour and how he treated me was very wrong. I don’t understand why I am feeling this way and I want him back and I keep waiting for him to call me on private number. This is the longest he hasn’t spoken to me before so I know its real this time. I know I shouldn’t want to feel this way and it makes me feel even worse because I feel wrong for feeling this way. Deep down I do not want to talk to him again so why do I have these feelings of wanting him back….
I’ve sent you a direct email to respond to this.
I can’t describe the emotions I felt reading this. I am 23 and left my abusive relationship almost 1 month ago now, I have an infant and it has been so hard. This article made me sob tears that I’ve needed to let out for days now. I have a hard time crying. Any time I feel any emotions I just find something to distract, which is easy with a baby, but I’ve felt like I’m being buried under anxiety. Everything makes me anxious. And I miss having someone to hold at night. As awful as he was to me, I still loved him, and I tried so hard to make it work., but then he choked me and I had to leave. It’s been so hard to be alone and feel all of these emotions I’ve been bottling up for so long. I wasn’t allowed to cry when we were together because it would make him mad. Even if I cried in the shower, that made him more mad. And now it’s like I CANT cry even when I want to. Does it get better. I’m scared I’m going to be alone for the rest of me life, not that I want to be with anyone any time soon. But I would like to grow old with someone, and I’m scared that will never happen now.
Your story mirrors mine Lilly. My ex strangled me. I left with a one-year-old and I was 22. This is my story here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/i-am-enough/ I suggest you consider my online program which will help you to understand what you are feeling now, why you still love him and crave going back to him even though you know he hurts you. How to deal so you don’t go back or into another abusive relationship. – Start with ME: Survivor to Staying Strong: https://programs.vivianmcgrath.com/p/start-with-me-survivor-to-staying-strong
Stay strong. Put you first. Keep going and never look back. You are young and you can change your life now before it’s too late.
Thank you so much. I left 18 months ago and I have never felt better. I really appreciate what you have shared. We need more people like you. I speak more love and light into your life.
Thank you and that’s great to hear! Stay strong.
The hardest part for me is that I still care about him and his kids but I am done. I am moving through the stages.
It is a painful process, I know.
Thank u 4 this!!! I left my abusive relationship of ten years 6 months ago!!! I was abused in every way he could.now i get the pleasure of receiving text telling me what a great person i am…(haha yea rite).. We have a 5 year old daughter 2gether.so there contact…every week… I cried for the first time yesterday.. In i dont know how many years its been… I found outhe has been hanging out with another woman..and id be lying if i would say it didnt cut deep.. He knows this is the only way he could hurt me since i left..and he succeed. Im very lonely this past week and it crosses my mind to go back every night..but im tring to keep all the pain he has causes me up front so i can fight these erages to go back…if you would have told me ten years ago i would be this beaten down by a man i would have never believed it,but thats what they do…im hanging in there everyday and trying to go through these feeling…STAY STRONG WE CAN DO THIS
i’m planning my breakup with him right now. i think i’ll do it over text because i’ve tried to leave in person and he’ll start sobbing, tugging at my empathy. he is a mean spirited person and he is a energy vampire. i feel so drained around him but at times, full of life. he gives me glimpses of a perfect relationship but then turns around and degrades me. I’m so confused and sometimes I wonder if his feelings are real? maybe he does love me? or maybe he says that to control me and keep me? I don’t want him with anyone else but I can’t keep going through small moments or sadness and days of neglect and sadness. I wish I could be healed already. I have no friends to turn to for support and he has so many friends that would support him when i leave
The glimpses he gives you are the mask he wears. But the mask always slips and you see the real person, the energy vampire, as you call him. We stay as we want that perfect person back but those glimpses will get smaller and further between. Get out now, while you are strong enough, as the longer you stay the harder it will be. It will hurt like hell, but take one day at a time, don’t look back. There is an amazing life full of joy waiting for you.