I get emails daily from people all over the world. Many of you ask the same question, albeit in different ways.
Why do I still love them?
Why do I feel sorry for them? Sorrier for them than me?
Why do I feel guilty?
This is usually after a narcissist has discarded them and left them in the cold. Dumped them for a new supply.
Or, when either they have found the courage to leave an abusive relationship. Or, are struggling to do so.
Why do I still love someone I know is no good for me and abuses me?
Why do I feel so empty inside? Why do I feel sick to the stomach?
My response to you all is the same.
Codependent
You are codependent.
This is a codependent relationship.
The dictionary definition of codependency is this:
Codependency
Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one with an illness or addiction who requires support.
You may not realize you are codependent. I didn’t.
I thought my ex needed me to rescue him from his demons.
That if I loved him enough I could help him change into the person I had first met.
The one who only appeared now and then, but less so as the years went on. I did everything I could to try to win him back.
The high I had felt at the start had hooked me in. The love-bombing intoxicated me. I craved that high again.
I chased it hard. It became an addiction for me.
Codependency relationship
If only I did this or that, then maybe he’d be okay and our relationship would become the fantasy one I had in my head.
But nothing worked.
He said it was my fault and I believed him in the end.
As my self-esteem plummeted I needed him to tell me he loved me again. My entire happiness and sense of myself by now depended on him.
I fit the dictionary definition of codependency.
I had an excessive emotional and psychological reliance on my ex. Who had his own issues that needed support.
I was codependent.
Or, by my definition: I was addicted to an emotionally unavailable man. Who had his own addictions.
He was unable to be there for me, because he could barely cope with himself.
Codependency behaviour
I was addicted to turning him into the man who could be. The fantasy man I had glimpsed when we first met and with whom I became obsessed with finding again.
Here are the signs of Codependency that describe me in my relationship with my ex. Do you recognise any of these?:
Low self-esteem
I didn’t realise I had low self-esteem as I always thought I was the strong one. But I later realised, behind my confident mask, hid a frightened inner child.
I never felt good enough. According to Dove’s Self Esteem project, 7 out of 10 girls don’t feel they’re good enough. (A study of around 10,000 girls across 13 countries).
When you feel unworthy you are more likely to attract a partner who treats you as such.
People pleasing
I was a classic people pleaser. I was afraid to say no.
I feared others would judge me and what others thought of me.
My low self-esteem meant I had a negative inner critic that would constantly berate me.
I morphed into who I thought would get the most approval from others, depending on who it was or the occasion.
I could be anyone you wanted me to be. I could keep my true opinions to myself and say what I thought you’d want to hear.
As a result, I put my needs last. Those of others’ were more important to me, than mine.
Weak boundaries
I was unable to set strong, healthy boundaries.
As I feared confrontation and my self-esteem was low, I’d let others test them and push them down.
I’d say yes, when I wanted to say no.
My ex tested my boundaries early on. To see what behaviour I would accept.
One day he shoved me hard against a wall and I forgave him and stayed.
I crossed a Rubicon that day.
It was the first sign of violence. I showed him I wouldn’t leave him, despite this abuse. (Not that I was to blame for it, no-one is to blame for abusive behaviour).
But when he tested me early on, I ignored the red flags and warning signs, others would have heeded. It signalled to him I was easy to manipulate.
Boundaries are lines that protect you. Strong ones tell others how you expect them to treat you.
But codependents’ boundary lines become blurred as we feel responsible for others. Even to blame for others’ behaviour.
We put others’ needs above our own.
Reacting, not responding
Codependents react to others, rather than choosing how they respond.
It comes from a deep sense of insecurity and shame.
With a low sense of self-worth your happiness doesn’t come from within. But, depends on the moods and behaviour of others instead.
I’d change my behaviour when my ex was angry, to try to keep the peace. I reacted to colleagues at work.
If they said something I disagreed with, I didn’t stand my ground with assertiveness.
I’d internalise my feelings instead. Or become defensive, feeling threatened.
I’d pretend I agreed with them, even if I vehemently didn’t.
I didn’t stand up to my ex and say his abusive behaviour was unacceptable.
I hid my true feelings. I became numbed to my own emotions and lost all sense of myself.
The need to rescue others
If there was anyone I deemed needy of help, I was like a bee to honey. Honing in to rescue them.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help others. The trouble is, Codependents do this at the expense of themselves.
They also may keep trying to rescue or fix someone that doesn’t want their help.
This is not a compassionate type of helping others. Or, magnanimous. It’s a form of control designed to fill a hole inside.
I put my ex’s needs and wellbeing above my own. My need to be needed by him became my obsession.
If I could rescue him from his demons then he’d change into my perfect man.
The need for Control
Codependents have a need to be in control as this makes them feel safe. They need to control those close to them to feel okay.
People-pleasing and rescuing others are in fact, ways to control and manipulate others.
My need to rescue my ex was more about turning him into the man I needed him to be to fulfill my needs.
I wasn’t seeing him for the real man whom he was showing himself to be.
Whilst my ex needed me to rescue him, I could also deny the fact I had my own demons I needed saving from.
I could stay unaware I had low self-esteem and it assuaged my fear of abandonment.
A fear of abandonment is common to Codependents.
If he needed me, he wouldn’t leave me, I rationalized.
Fear of abandonment
In childhood, a Codependent’s emotional needs weren’t met in some way.
They have low self-esteem and grow up with a fear of abandonment. They know how painful this is from childhood.
In a dysfunctional way, they recreate relationships from their childhood. Choose partners who allow them to replicate the one they had say, with a parent.
To try to conquer it.
I subconsciously thought:
If I can change this unemotionally available man into someone who loves and won’t leave me, then I am good enough. I am lovable.
But, this doesn’t happen. We are abandoned emotionally once more. So, we become obsessed with fixing it and controlling a different outcome.
We believe that if we just change our behaviour, our partner will become the person we dream of.
Self-worth depends on others
Codependents sense of self worth is dependent on others. We have a deep seated need for others to like us, to feel good about ourselves.
This is why we people please. And why many of us go from one relationship to the next, to keep alleviating our fear of abandonment.
Being alone and still with ourselves scares us. We feel uncomfortable. (It means we have to face ourselves and our damaged inner child).
We have such low self esteem we can only have validation by someone else outside us.
It’s why we often find it hard to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive.
Obsessiveness
Codependents can turn into obsessive types. Obsessed with controlling others around us.
We need to feel safe and secure. We need others to make us feel good about ourselves.
We can’t find this from within. So we must make others fulfil this need for us.
It becomes exhausting. It’s an addiction. An obsessive search for happiness from a relationship and person you will never find it with.
Or we go over things in our head. Obsessing over what we should or shouldn’t have said. How we can change things.
We minimise someone’s behaviour. Replay tapes over and over to see how we could have made things different.
In a fantasy that lets us deny the painful reality. Our partner is incapable of loving us in a healthy way. We don’t feel good enough within ourselves.
Denial
For a long time I was in denial about being Codependent. I didn’t realise I played a role in my dysfunctional relationship.
It was my abusive ex, I thought.
If I could fix him, then our relationship would be okay. All my problems would go away, we could be happy forever.
Others go from job to job. Or do a ‘geographical’ and move from country to country, forever seeking happiness outside of themselves.
Denying they need fixing themselves.
Codependents spend so long denying their own needs. Subsuming them to the needs of others.
They can’t see they need help and support.
They are in denial of their vulnerability, their low self esteem. Their need for the love and intimacy they didn’t get in childhood.
Fear of vulnerability
Codependents subconsciously choose relationships with those they feel need rescuing. So, they can deny they need this themselves.
Both parties in a codependent relationship fear abandonment. Our need to control them and their need to control us comes from our respective sense of inner shame.
We fear vulnerability, as it means facing and revealing our true selves. If we do this, we fear abandonment will be realised, when others see us for who we are. Flawed.
But, a fear of vulnerability blocks the deep connection needed for true intimacy.
Intimacy requires trust. Trust is forged through shared vulnerability.
Love hurts
Codependent’s equate being in love with being in pain.
We thrive on the chaos and drama, the emotional rollercoaster of a dysfunctional relationship.
We go into denial and adopt a victim mentality. It’s everything and everyone else that’s the problem. Not us.
The only way to cope with the painful reality is to numb ourselves to our feelings. Minimize what’s happening.
We exhaust ourselves trying everything we can to control them and fix things. But nothing works.
That’s because we’re looking through the wrong lens. When we should be turning it on us and facing ourselves.
If you recognize any of the above signs of codependency then I urge you to get help and support.
Love shouldn’t hurt. Your happiness shouldn’t depend on anything or anyone else outside you.
You can take your power back.
Codependent no more
I’ve listed free, anonymous support lines here
I’ve listed self-help books on Codependency that changed my life here
Trackbacks/Pingbacks