Do you remember that punch up between Daniel Cleaver (aka Hugh Grant) and Mr Darcy (aka Colin Firth) in Bridget Jones’s Diary? The first film, so think back. The one where they rumbled from the street into the Italian restaurant. Slammed into the layer cake, smashed through the glass window and back out onto the street again? All to ‘It’s Raining Men’ (hallelujah!)? Cheesy, I know, but bear with me.
Daniel Cleaver (the Alpha a***hole to Mr Darcy’s Beta available man) loses the fight. But it was him that Bridget chose to side with. As she’s holding his head in her arms he implores her: “Come on Bridget, we belong together – you, me, poor little skirt. If I can’t make it with you then I can’t make it with anyone”. And then ‘bing’, a lightbulb goes off in her head. ‘I’m sorry, but that’s just not a good enough offer for me’!
‘BING! BING! BING!’ an imaginary lightbulb exploded in my head too. ‘That’s it!’ I thought … that is the secret to everything. The mantra I needed to learn after leaving a violent man. I live by that mantra to this day. I swear it is the secret to a good relationship, career success and well, everything in my life.
When I was young, I was a bit like Bridget. I appeared confident, but I was insecure inside. I knew how I needed to be, what I needed to say to ‘people please’ and to morph into the person I thought others wanted me to be. When I did that, I found acceptance and approval, so it felt good and I went on trying more of the same.
But the more I based my life on what I did and how I needed to behave, the more I lost my way. I ended up in a relationship that was destructive and it left me with little self-esteem. I felt trapped, with no way out. I was moving from temporary job to job, miserable and unhappy.
When I was honest with myself, I knew in my gut that none of this was true to who I was deep down inside. I based what I was doing and how I was behaving on others’ values and their opinions of me and not my own. I knew I had to realign my life. But how?
I had to START WITH ME. To go back to WHY I am driven to do the things I do and the core values I believe in my gut and in my heart to be true.
Bridget Jones was right! I had to channel her and ask myself: is this person or job good enough for me? Do they or it bring out the best in me and I in them? And if not, are they worth having in my life?
The answer was no. I knew I had to find the courage to walk away from that destructive relationship. It wasn’t easy. There were days I could only get through one hour at a time, let alone one day at a time. But I did, holding tightly onto the Mantra in my darkest days: ‘I’m sorry. That’s just not a good enough offer for me’.
Then I started to weed out any others who were no good for me. Like a friend who was using me as an emotional crutch and sucking me dry. Those who did not bring out the best in me, nor I in them.
I had to learn that I didn’t have to please everyone. It doesn’t matter if someone doesn’t like me, only if the ones that matter to me do. And I reevaluated every aspect of my life – work, habits, relationships. Little by little I turned away from negative and towards the positive.
The beacon that once shone out ‘Victim’ from my forehead burnt out and disappeared. The Bad Boys steered clear of me. They intuitively knew that I knew they ‘weren’t a good enough offer for me’. The men who were good for me now started to come more into my orbit.
I found my gorgeous man and best friend who is also aligned to me. We share the same core values, beliefs and goals. The things I now know are crucial to a lasting, healthy relationship. Three decades later, we’re still going strong.
In work, when I followed what I was passionate in, alongside others whose beliefs were aligned with mine, success in my career also followed.
And that’s how I became Unbeatable. Sounds simple, because it is.
So, if you’re unhappy in a relationship, unsatisfied with your job or have a friendship with someone that is sucking you dry, this is my advice to you. Ask yourself the same simple questions: Is this a good enough offer for me? Is that relationship, job, person bringing out the best in me and I in it or them? If the answer is no, then it’s time to let it go or change it.
You need to realign your life so that everything in it rings true to your authentic self, what you believe in and your core values. Easier said than done. But here’s a few more questions that might help:
- I am ‘in love’ with this person. But do I like them?
My husband and I are different people. I’m more extroverted than he. We have some separate interests and a few separate friends. But where we are completely aligned is our core values. And we really do like each other and each other’s company. We laugh a lot.
Many conflicts between couples arise from differing attitudes towards money, raising children, sex, porn, politics, alcohol & drugs, external friendships, travel, how you spend your spare time … the list goes on. Sharing the same core values goes a long way towards liking each other. Liking each other, over and above love, is crucial to sustaining a long-term relationship.
- When I am with that partner or friend, or doing that job, how does it or they make me feel?
Does being ‘in love’ mean being in pain? Do I walk around on eggshells? Is that person sucking me dry because all I seem to do is give and not receive?
If the answer to any of these is yes, then chances are it’s not a healthy relationship or position to be in.
We only get what we think we deserve, so lift your standards and raise the bar. If we are low in self-esteem, we’ll fall for someone who makes us feel worthless. If we doubt our abilities, we’ll settle for a job that’s less than what we are capable of or doesn’t challenge us.
Start with you. Make everything you do ring true to your authentic self. Align yourself with those in life who share your core values, whether in love or work. Surround yourself with only those who bring out the best in you and you in them.
Apply Bridget Jones’s mantra to everything: I’m sorry but that just isn’t a good enough offer for me. Trust your gut and your instincts on this. Only settle for, or follow, those prospects in love and life that are good enough for you and bring out the best person you can be. I promise it will change your life.
Watch the Bridget Jones’ Diary DVD here.
Read Bridget Jones’ Diary book here.
What in your life is ‘not good enough for you’? I’d love to hear in the Comments below.
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