‘To be honest, I knew my ex was probably damaged within weeks of meeting him. The alarm bells were screeching. Could I hear them? Of course! Did I listen to them? No,’ writes VIVIAN MCGRATH.
Source: Why I believe some women are addicted to abusive men | Daily Mail Online
I just finished reading your article in the Daily Mail. I hope it inspires other people in abusive relationships to find the courage and strength to walk away.
How would you deal with abusive people you can’t really walk away from though? Family members for instance?
Hi Damo, thank you for your message. I’m afraid I can’t give expert advice on this, just what I have learnt from experience. I couldn’t have done this without help and support. I would suggest that perhaps this would be a good place to start. I didn’t pay for this either, as in I didn’t go to an expensive counsellor or Psychologist. For years I went to a free and anonymous support group. In my case it was Al-anon (please look it up for more detail). I know that where abuse is involved often addiction can be part of it. The amazing support and what I absorbed and learnt from people there was a very big part of my recovery. I am not sure of the details of your situation, but I do know that there are many support groups for families and I am hoping that one might help you? I hope you can find the support that you need and thank you again.
I have today read the article in the Daily Mail. It resonates totally with me. I married a dashing Royal Marine Major. A second marriage at the age of 35. I have had at least 3 injunctions and started divorce proceedings 3 times and cancelled them three times. He has seen many psychiatrists and has now been on medication for a very long time. He is now 79 and has the beginnings of dementia and I am 73. I have had a successful career but I have never been able to escape him. We live in the same house totally separately and I have to manage everything. I am caught in an impossible situation basically due to financial reasons. Fortunately, I have many friends and keep busy and active. However, if you knew all the details there is no way out and I am not being negative. I wonder how many other women never escape from a lifetime of hell in one way.
Thank you for your message and I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Sadly, I know there are many who say they are trapped due to financial reasons. It’s good to hear you have a strong support network of friends and you can keep active and busy doing things for yourself. I hope they are things that are good for your wellbeing too. I tried to do one nice thing for myself each day when I was very low. Look after yourself, stay strong and keep that support network close so you have positive validation at all times. All the best and thanks again.
I clearly ignored the red flags that were waving wildly when I chose to enter my last r’ship. It ended badly with police, restraining orders, etc….thank God there was no physical abuse but the damage to my psyche and property was enough. It’s been 4 years. In that time he has cleaned up his life, stopped drinking and made a turnaround. So we started seeing each other again. He’s a man who has many strengths and good qualities. However, he suffers severe emotional instability when I express my ambivalence about moving forward. I feel stuck because I want it to work out but I can’t let go of the past that easily. I’m afraid to leave him again. I feel guilty for allowing it to get this far.
Thank you for your comment and joining us here.
I completely understand your uncertainty and don’t blame you for feeling that way. I went back many times and there were periods of sobriety and uncertainty for me.
You have no reason to feel guilty as you are not to blame for any of this. your gut feelings are staying a little alert which is not a bad thing.
Always keep in mind whether the relationship is first and foremost good for you and your well being. Does it bring out the best in you that you can be. And him as well. Stay strong x
I am friends with an 18 – year-old who is in an abusive relationship. She sends me pictures of her bruises but refuses to end the relationship. It’s wearing me out. What is the best way to help her and protect myself emotionally?
That is a very good question Marianne. I would be honest with her and tell her that it upsets you to see her treated this way. That you feel uncomfortable turning a blind eye and pretending it is not happening, as that is condoning the abuse. You love her as a friend and will always be there for her when and if she is ready and needs you, but whilst she is remains in this relationship you need time out. It hurts you too much to sit by and watch this happening. I would also explain that as you aren’t an expert, it is difficult for you to know how to best help her, but please give her some telephone hotline numbers that she can call for anonymous help and support. I’ve listed some here: https://www.vivianmcgrath.com/domestic-violence-resources/ I hope that helps?