I refuse to be a victim. I will not be defined by domestic violence. So when I heard this I thought: ‘Wow!’ Just one word. Wow. That’s how I’d describe this powerful Ted Talk. It hit a nerve with me. It was as though Thordis Elva took the words right out of my mouth. It was as though Thordis Elva was me. I admit it, I cried.
(Trigger warning)
She was just 16 and in love for the first time, when her new boyfriend took her to a school dance in her home country of Iceland. He was Australian exchange student, Tom Stranger. She felt like a grown up. She drank Rum for the first time.
But she drank too much, started throwing up and slipping in and out of consciousness. Tom stepped up as her ‘knight in shining armour’, taking her home. He wrapped his strong arms around her and she felt safe. Until he took her clothes off her and raped her.
To stay sane, she counted the seconds on her alarm clock. ‘I now know that there are 7200 seconds in two hours’ she says. He broke up with her days later and not long after, returned to Australia.
Thordis stayed silent. She had absorbed the attitude: women get raped for a reason. For wearing her skirt too short or for being drunk, as she had been. ‘The shame had to be mine’ she internalised and headed for a nervous breakdown by the age 25.
Tom spent those years in ‘denial and running’. Deep down he knew what he had done was wrong. But ‘I didn’t see my deed for what it is. I convinced myself it was sex, not rape’, he says.
Part of the power of this Ted Talk is that it is a joint one, in which they both tell the remarkable story of what happened next. Thordis wrote Tom a long letter, telling him the impact his rape had had on her. She ended it with the words: ‘I want to find forgiveness’. She explains: ‘I had to find forgiveness, whether he deserved it or not’. ‘This was my way out of suffering. I deserved peace. My era of shame was over’.
Like Thordis, I internalised my own shame too, after my ex was violent towards me. ‘I must have done something to provoke him’ I thought. I believed it when he told me I deserved it. I even went back to him, despite my terror of him, after he almost killed me. Shame goes hand in hand with deep vulnerability and pain. It took me many, many years to recover and heal.
Thordis came to accept the truth about her rape. But only after years of misplaced anger and self-hatred. The only thing that could have stopped it from happening was the man who raped her. She didn’t expect the response from Tom she got.
He posted a long confession, admitting his guilt. Many more years of a kind of mutual therapeutic correspondence followed. Then they agreed to meet. South Africa was in the middle of their two countries. Fitting too, as it had had to face the difficult truth about its own past, to heal its future.
That week Tom says he felt the ‘seismic effects’ of his sexual violence. He owned up to his culpability and accepted he had hurt her. And ‘that I am part of a large and shockingly everyday group of men who’ve been sexually violent towards their partners’. By telling her he had raped her freed them both. ‘The blame transferred from her to me’.
Thordis found her way out of the hatred and anger, to find forgiveness. She found hope after rape. A way to turn her back on the label ‘victim’. ‘Once named a victim, it’s easy to file them away as someone damaged, dishonoured, less than’. Labelling a rapist a monster, inhuman, is fruitless too, she says. ‘How can we understand what it is in human societies that produces violence, if we don’t recognise the humanity of those who commit it? How can we empower survivors if we’re making them feel less than’? Wow. Wow. Wow.
Thordis Elva’s words tore through me. She could be me. She was speaking the same words I’ve come to learn and have been crucial in my own recovery.
I have never got the kind of closure Thordis has (if there will ever be such a thing for her). Most victims will never have the perpetrator owning up to the abuse. My ex has never taken responsibility for his violence. He’s never admitted to me ‘I wrapped my hands around your throat and squeezed. Yes, I tried to kill you’. In fact, I believe that even decades later he is still bitter and blames me. In a way I’m sad for him. But that’s his problem.
Like Thordis, it took me a long time to realise. The only one who could have stopped me from being a victim of domestic violence, was the man who was beating me. And to release me from my overwhelming shame, I had to transfer the blame I had long accepted as mine, back to him, where it belonged.
Thordis describes how she had to become the person she needed when she was younger and I had to do the same. I had to wrap my arms around myself and say: you are worth more than this. This is not okay.
Like her, I too knew I had to forgive him if I was ever to be free. Anger and revenge were negative emotions that were no good for me. I had to see the humanity of the man who committed the violence towards me. Whatever turned him into that kind of man was greater than me. They are his own demons to contend with, I have to let that go.
If he chooses to be like Tom once was, in denial and still running, then that’s his choice. He can remain imprisoned in his silence and defined by violence. But I won’t. I choose to be free. I refuse the label ‘victim’.
When I left with my baby in my arms, I vowed to never say a bad word about my ex to him. I didn’t want my child defined by this toxic relationship. I knew that one day he’d be adult enough to make up his own mind about him. And I was true to my word.
I rewrote my own story too. From victim to survivor to someone who has risen from trauma, but is not defined by it. If I hadn’t done that, I would have remained a victim for the rest of my life. I would have forever been invisibly attached to him.
I agree with Thordis. It is time we stop treating domestic (as well as sexual) violence as a ‘women’s issue’. I only wish there were more men like Tom, who have the balls to stand up and admit what they have done.
And I want to add my voice to hers. I too have the privilege of being able to raise my voice on this subject, where many are unable to or at risk of doing so. So, I too will speak out to be the voice of those who can’t.
I hope to show others there is life after abuse. I hope to be living proof that you can decide how others get to define you. You can turn your back on that ‘victim’ label, despite no admission of guilt from your perpetrator.
I have to be honest though. As I hope my words will help others to heal, this is not without some selfish merit. Up until only recently, it was impossible for me to talk about the time my ex tried to kill me. A PTSD-like flashback would grip me and the tears would erupt immediately. I couldn’t continue. The fear was still there. And it was visceral.
But since writing my manuscript and starting this blog. Since listening to this Ted Talk. I now realise, this doesn’t happen anymore. So, I guess I’m more like Thordis that I first thought.
By owning my story. By taking it back and confronting it. By refusing to be a victim. By speaking out. By saying what happened to me was not okay, but that I was able to forgive him. I am becoming even more of the person I needed when I was young. I am wrapping my arms even tighter around myself and healing even more.
If you need further help or counselling, please refer to the following (or the equivalent in your country):
AUSTRALIA:
1800Respect: 0800 737 732 https://www.1800respect.org.au
Lifeline: 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au
UK:
National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
Paladin National Stalking Advocacy Service 020 3866 4107 http://paladinservice.co.uk
US:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 http://www.thehotline.org
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