Inner Shame
I recently met a really lovely young transgender man and when we first met his body language revealed insecurity.
I was speaking on a panel as part of a fellowship where I’m mentoring some of the young fellows.
He was one of them.
At the end of our panel discussion, this young man asked lots of questions that all boiled down to shame and fear.
He was afraid of telling his parents and his family who he really was.
Born into a female body, but identifying as male.
He was comfortable with who he was.
But he was very fearful of how other people would respond and react to him.
And this is what I said to him:
Live true to who you are.
Don’t live your life second-guessing what you think others are thinking.
Or worrying about how you think they’ll judge you.
Or how you think they’re going to react to you.
You can’t control that.
The best you can do is let go of all that and just be true to who you really are.
Because if they can see your true, confident, empowered, authentic self shining out from within you then they will accept you for who you are.
And if they don’t, then that’s their problem not yours.
Those people don’t matter. Don’t have them in your life.
I added:
If I was your mother and you came to me and said that this is what makes you happy.
This is who I really am.
Then I would say:
I love you for as you are.
All a mother or father wants is for their child to be true to who they are, comfortable in their skin, happy self-assured and full of self-worth.
It’s so often that we run our lives based on this inner shame and always worrying about and second-guessing what other people are going to think.
And that’s quite often why we people-please because we want to stop people seeing who we really are.
Sometimes we don’t even know that there is shame deep inside us.
But, we feel this gut feeling we don’t belong.
We don’t quite fit in.
Or we have this inner voice that is critical all the time.
Self-loathing and self-hatred
Now that inner voice is the voice of shame.
To block it out we sometimes overeat or drink too much.
We throw ourselves into work or focus on rescuing other people who we think are more damaged than we are.
If we’re fixing them and solving their problems, then we don’t have to realize we need rescuing ourselves.
We don’t have to face our own inner shame.
I told those young fellows to watch Brene Brown’s brilliant TedTalk on vulnerability.
In it, she says something along the lines of:
When you look at other people telling their stories, expressing their shame and revealing their vulnerability, you see them as having courage.
But when you look at your own story and your own vulnerability, you see it as shameful.
You don’t see that as courage.
Own your vulnerability
If you owned that story and weren’t afraid of vulnerability and speaking your truth, others would look to you as courageous.
They’d say:
Wow! That took a lot of courage to reveal that vulnerability and share that.
If we all get in touch with that vulnerable part of us we feel shameful about and face those fears, the world would be a better place.
It’s not as frightening as you think.
All the avoidance techniques we use: overeating, workaholism, going into bad relationships that demand we focus on them and not ourselves.
They’re a distraction technique we use because we don’t want to feel that pain of digging deep.
We distract ourselves lest that shame surface, which terrifies us.
Face that shame. Let it wash up and over you.
Let it come out because if you suppress that shame it’s never going to go away.
It will just eat at you inside.
Find your everyday courage instead, to own your story and face your vulnerability and shame.
Tell yourself those shameful things you feel about yourself are hijacking your sense of self-worth.
If that shame is driving your life you’ll depend your happiness on what other people think of you, what they say to you and how you fear they’ll judge you.
That’s not a way to live.
Tell yourself:
These parts of me aren’t shameful.
They’re part of the sum total of my experiences, the journey I have gone on that’s made me who I am today.
It’s okay to feel sad, lonely, angry.
It’s okay to confront those mistakes that I’ve made.
It doesn’t mean I need to feel shame.
Find the courage to face those shameful feelings and then tell yourself they’re just a story.
A narrative script your inner voice is telling you, but it doesn’t mean it’s true.
I am a good person, a lovable person, a kind person, a great friend.
I have talents and ability.
I have a purpose in this world.
You matter.
Your dreams matter.
But if you live your life always second-guessing what other people are going to think and hiding away in shame, then you’re never going to become that beautiful, unique and incredible person you are meant to be, sharing your amazing message the world needs to hear.
That young trans man has a beautiful message to share with the world about finding everyday courage to become true to who you are.
And that is what he is doing now and I’m so proud of him.
So try this today.
Say to yourself:
There’s nothing to be ashamed of.
And find your everyday courage to go and challenge that script in your head that says that you should worry about what everybody else thinks.
Forget them.
Live your life true to who you are.
And when your light shines out, the people who matter will gravitate to you like moths to a flame.
Those who don’t really care about you, then they don’t matter.
Let them go.
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